You May Never Date Your Crush, But Here’s How to Land a 10/10 (The Stable Marriage Problem)

There is a mathematical reason most people never marry their crush or soulmate. And that reason is called the Stable Marriage Problem.

Way back in 1962, two mathematicians named David Gale and Lloyd Shapley proved that in any matchmaking scenario, for there to be stability—where participants are not “cheating” or “breaking up”—the participants must compromise.

The idea is simple: For two participants to be together, they must have been the most preferred option from each other’s list of available choices. But since the person at the top of the list tends to be different, there is inevitably going to be a lot of rejection.

Only the person ranked highest by the entire group has a shot at picking their absolute top choice (as they won’t be rejected). Once those top couple matches, everyone else is forced to re-evaluate their options, compromising by choosing the next best person left available. And they continue this pattern until they stumble on someone who is not their top choice, but simply the best option amongst what is left.

But that’s not all.

Subjectivity of Dating Preferences and Why You Should Always Approach First.

The “math” also found that whoever (only) waits to be approached and proposed to is guaranteed to end up with a worse stable partner than they could have had if they had proposed. Why? Because their list of available options is strictly limited to just the people who proposed to them. 

On the flip side, the person who proposes gets the best possible compromise, as they start from the very top of their list and work their way down until the point they are no longer rejected—getting the best compromise.

While it all feels depressing, there is actually a beautiful twist to all of this: You see, we don’t all share one single list of preferences. What you consider a 10/10 (for example, a sense of humour or height) may be entirely different from what the next person considers a 10/10 (for example, creativity or boldness).

Because of this, there is a high probability of stumbling upon someone who sees you as their absolute top choice, while you also see them as your absolute top choice—making you the top couple of your own subjective preferences.

But you have to understand that this does not mean you should just wait for someone to accept you exactly as you are. It simply means you should double down on maxing out who you are—work on your emotional intelligence, career, social skills, and so on. Why? Because elevating your own value will not only improve your life, but it will also force the people you dream about to re-rank you as a top choice.

However, the mathematical strategy doesn’t stop there.

The 37% Rule: How To Pick The Optimal Life Partner

The responsibility of picking a 10/10 can be more complicated than stumbling on the perfect one who also thinks you are the perfect one. In reality, no one can tick all our boxes. So, how do you go about making sure you are not compromising on your already default compromise?

Well, in mathematics, that dilemma is called the Secretary Problem, and several mathematicians over the mid-20th century tackled it. And, thankfully, they found an Optimal Stopping Theory solution called the 37% rule.

The 37% rule states that to get the optimal choice, you should reject the first 37% of options to establish a baseline, then commit to the first subsequent option that surpasses it. So, for instance, if you estimate you will date ten people in your life, you should try getting to know the first 3 with no plans of commitment. And, once you have established a baseline—now having known which amongst them you prefer—then you should endeavour to commit to the next person whom you prefer more than the most preferred among the former 3. 

Failure to do this and you risk missing out on a good choice, or staying stuck waiting for the perfect choice, which might not exist in this imperfect world of ours.

Conclusion: Both Partners Must Love Each Other More Than The Other

Most dating coaches split hairs, arguing whether the woman should love the man more than the man loves the woman, or if it should be the other way around. However, a healthy relationship isn’t a competition. It is about two individuals meeting each other’s unique needs, shifting the focus to how deeply each person values what they build together.

Since both partners value the trust, warmth, support, and other good things that emerge from a committed relationship, it simply calls for humility and care. We must focus more on ensuring our own imperfections don’t sabotage a good thing.

Ultimately, at the end of the day, a healthy, thriving relationship is not one where you find the perfect partner or soulmate, but one in which both partners love each other more than the other. Indeed, it is a logical impossibility, yet a beautiful paradox that can exist.

As Anne Lamott once said, “…a good marriage is one in which each spouse secretly thinks he or she got the better deal, and this is true also of our bosom friendships. You could almost flush with appreciation. What a great scam, to have gotten people of such extreme quality and loyalty to think you are stuck with them. Oh my God. Thank you.”

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