How to Get a Girlfriend: 10 Steps Guide To Finding The Right Girl22 min read

In my second year at university, I had a crush. It was so strong that I would sometimes blurt out her name without realising it. One day, I mustered the courage to ask for her phone number.

“I wanted to get your phone number.”, I said to her almost inaudibly.

She looked at me funny and replied, “Okay, seems you no longer want it.”. There was an awkward silence, then she left without giving me the number. I never asked again.

In my third year, I was still very nervous around ladies. Thankfully, my “brand new crush” was the one who first asked for my phone number. I gladly gave it to her. 

We would go on to be close friends, but that was where it ended – friendship.

Friendzone!

By my fourth year, I was done with crushing and getting friendzoned. So, I started looking for guidance. This, as funny as it may sound, was the beginning of my personal development journey.

Being insecure about a lot of things – from my looks to my financial capability – most of my questions were centred around exactly what to say, how to look, or where to be in order to get the girl. 

Most of the answers I got were more or less performative and manipulative. That didn’t sit right with my soul. 

Thankfully, I stumbled upon a few great pieces of advice from a few great people that shifted my perspective and approach in a few great ways.

In this piece, I will be taking you on a journey to finding not just a sexual partner, but someone who would experience, improve, and enjoy life with you! 

Who Is A Girlfriend?

You’re most likely not just looking for a friend who’s a girl, nor are you looking for someone to just have sex with. Rather, you’re looking for a lady who is committed to and will be intimate with you. That’s who a girlfriend is.

As such, a girlfriend should not just be anybody – a pretty face and large breasts are not what makes someone a good girlfriend. Heck, even intelligence and talent are not enough. While a girlfriend doesn’t have to be perfect, they need to be compatible with you.

And, compatibility isn’t just about having things in common – say a common religion, educational background, or culture. It’s also about how well you can coexist without problems or conflicts despite your differences – be it in religion, educational background, or culture.

On that note, a girlfriend should be someone who shares similar values (life’s compass), and visions (destination) with you.

Now, that’s not something you should hope to achieve by just whistling at any random girl who walks by. In fact, such an approach may even reduce your chances of meeting the right girl.

The Dating Game Paradox: Why Mastering How To Get Girls Keeps You Single

Generally speaking, there are often 3 main categories of people with 3 different approaches to dating, all leading to (but not necessarily guaranteeing) 3 different results.

These three categories of people are 

• The Naive or Inexperienced.
• The Cynic or Player, and
• The Brave or Wise.

The Naive have an imaginary version of the world in their heads. They take romance novels and Disney cartoons literally. They take people’s word for it and expect true love to find its way to them no matter how ill-prepared they are. Flattery and calculated kind gestures disarm them completely. They also have no clear definition of what they want or don’t want and accept or won’t accept. Hence, they often get used, betrayed, and abused. They are the ones who often turn into cynics.

The Cynics have had many negative experiences because of their past naivety – they have been lied to, cheated on, abused, and perhaps gotten into serious problems (maybe they got infected, blackmailed, or impregnated the wrong person, etc.). They know smiles can be faked, gifts can come with strings attached, and only the people you trust can betray you. Hence, they try very hard to get the most out of every relationship without putting themselves in a precarious position – they stay detached, or better still, have many options available at once. They totally resonate with the ideas in books like The Rational Male, and people like Andrew Tate as they validate and reinforce their ideology. They don’t trust anyone, and care very little about the emotions of others. To them, it is all a game that they must win, or at least, not lose too much in. The only issue is that since relationships are a two-way thing, the more cynical they get, the less likely they are to find a girl whom they can be committed and intimate with.

The Brave or Wise are those who have seen the naivety of the inexperienced, empathise with the pain of the player, but also understand the futility of cynicism. They, despite knowing how dangerous and scary it all is, still decide to trust, connect emotionally, and sacrifice. Unlike the Naive, they don’t just accept people at face value. They often avoid those who are naive because such individuals often have unrealistic expectations and no standards, but rather accommodate those who do not want to play games. They use their discretion and have high standards. And, though this may sound straightforward, it is actually more tasking than the games of the cynic – because it involves a backward approach. It requires trying to understand the other person and taking manageable risks (rather than avoiding it). It is harder because it offers no easy shortcuts, and no clever tricks to gain the upper hand. Instead, it demands vulnerability, communication, healthy boundaries, sacrifice, unconditional love, patience,  and the willingness to walk away if the person happens to be misaligned with your values and vision.

The paradox is simple: If you don’t know the game, you may remain single. However, the better you get at playing the “dating game,” the worse you become at finding real love. Why? Because the very tactics that protect you – like detachment or always having a backup – and bring casual success – like sex and validation – also prevent the vulnerability and stakes needed for lasting and passionate love. It’s a brutal irony: Paradoxically, “winning” the dating game (getting more girls) often means losing at relationships (finding the girl).

I know, I know, it can all be a bit frustrating. It’s like walking a tightrope. But, you can’t just throw your hands in the air and give up. No, you persevere. You struggle. You search. And, it is this process that makes it all the more meaningful.

Now, allow me to show you the exact steps you can take to drastically increase your chances of finding a girlfriend who will be willing to build a healthy and fulfilling relationship with you without resorting to playing games or trying too hard.

10 Steps To Finding A Girlfriend

Finding a girlfriend shouldn’t be a perilous ordeal. It should feel natural and pleasant, like a flower blooming – a process that creates something new and beautiful, with the potential to bear fruit. It should feel like recognising a part of yourself in another person, enhancing your own beauty in a way that becomes inseparable from who you are.

I know I sounded poetic, but you will get it as you read on. Below is a 10 step-by-step guide to finding a girlfriend (whether online or in real life). You can almost consider them the 10 commandments for seeking a girlfriend.

Seek To Truly Know Yourself

You don’t expect to see flies around flowers, nor do you expect bees buzzing over faeces. There is no point trying to find a soulmate if you can’t clearly picture yourself. 

The right girl for you is uniquely right for you. And, the better you know yourself, the better you can attract her – like bees to a flower.

Be honest with yourself. Who are you? Who aren’t you? What can you do? What can’t you do? What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses? What do you like? What do you detest? etcetera.

You must be careful not to let other people’s ideas, views, or judgments affect you. It doesn’t matter if your Mom thinks you’re Einstein, if your grades speak the opposite, then there is no need to delude yourself. On the other hand, if you are confident in your looks and someone says you are ugly or arrogant, then that shouldn’t affect you either.

Be realistic with your evaluations. Figure out what makes you tick, and how you tick.

This is truly a broad subject that I simply cannot do justice to here. Nevertheless, the key point is that you must seek to know yourself like the back of your hands – this covers your personality, beliefs, behaviours as well as your thought patterns and feelings.

This will require a lot of self-awareness and patience. And, perhaps, you may never get to fully know yourself (no one really does). But, it is important to have a good insight into who you are.

“The beauty you see in me is a reflection of you.” – Jalaluddin Rumi

Pursue Personal Growth

Knowing yourself is only the beginning. The real work starts with working on yourself. And, like a blossoming flower attracts bees, the more you bloom the more magnetic you become to the right girl.

This is a lifetime journey, and just like knowing yourself, it encompasses all aspects of your life.

Try to be a competent human that can add to the world around them. Seek to learn a skill (this could be art, music, coding, etc.).  And, if you already have something to offer the world, seek to be better at what you do.

Absorb knowledge like a sponge. Your mind is your greatest asset, so it should be a priority. Besides, intelligence is sexy. Read good books, and follow experts and thought-leaders online. Be curious and passionate about learning and gaining experience.

But, don’t just focus on the inside alone. The outside is also important. Work out, work hard, eat right, groom, wear nice clothes, and try to make everything around you (physical and otherwise) more beautiful.

Remember, it is hard for a sick tree to bear healthy fruits. You can’t be overweight, dirty, and dumb with no accomplishments to your name and expect to date someone as beautiful, hardworking, and accomplished as Ayra Starr.

Sure, gold-diggers might see you blooming and come flocking. But, that is where the next crucial step comes in.

Be Clear and True to Your Values

It is important to clarify, define, and stand by your values whatever they are. When you are not clear on your values, it will be hard to spot what you want (and it will also be easy to get misled).

For instance, if you value beauty over intelligence but deny this fact, you will often find yourself still drawn to beauty (no matter how artificial) while still ignoring truly intelligent people. Heck, you may even begin to confuse or conflate beauty with intelligence (aka, the Halo Effect). 

In other words, your values are not just the things you say, but how you actually feel and act.

The truth is that it is not easy to change your values. Continuing with our earlier example, even if a friend points out that the lady isn’t intelligent, that may still not change your feelings towards her. And, trying to just go for a smart lady may still not work out if she is not beautiful.

However, being aware of what you value, you can better assess the situation and avoid pitfalls. You can say, “Yes, I really do like beautiful ladies, but I would go the extra step of ensuring that they are ALSO intelligent because beauty is not enough for a healthy relationship”.

I know the example may be silly (beauty, as you know, is transient), and one may need to work on their values if they are shallow or unhealthy (say, they still hold patriarchal values). But, the point is that you should be clear on your values and be true to them to avoid regrets and resentments in the future.

Often, the values of toxic people (including the gold-diggers we mentioned earlier) are aligned with the more superficial and transient qualities, so if you can get your values right, it really helps save you from a lot of trouble down the line.

“A highly-developed values system is like a compass. It serves as a guide to point you in the right direction when you are lost.” – Idowu Koyenikan

Live Your Passions

Once you’re clear on your values and are already on your path to developing yourself, then ensure you are not hiding yourself – your passions, interests, or values. Whether you love painting or soccer, show it. Go to the places and events that align with your passions (those are the places you will most likely find girls that align with your values and vision).

Living your passion, living the life you want how you want it is the single most effective way to not just attract those who align with you but to repel those who do not vibe with you.

If you love art then visit an art gallery. Go to an art exhibition. Join Facebook pages dedicated to art. Share memes about art. Have artwork in your room. Bring up art in your conversations.

But, this doesn’t mean you should become an annoying person (who doesn’t listen to advice or follow their whims heedlessly). It simply means you should be 100% yourself, and only try to improve rather than hide from or impress people. 

Be Curious, Listen More Than You Speak

While it is cool to live your passion and shine your light, when you meet someone new, pay more attention to their own lights – their passion and interests.

When they communicate with you, don’t just seek to respond. Rather, try to understand them. What are they really saying?  How are they saying it? Why are they saying it? 

Try to grasp the nuances of who they are. If they say they love music, then you must try to learn what type of music they like. Who their favourite artist is. Why this? What does it remind them of? How does it make them feel? Why do they like that feeling? 

Listen to their stories, and find their hopes and fears. Pay attention to them like a doctor would while operating a heart.

It may seem counterintuitive, but the more you listen to what makes the other person unique and special rather than trying to tell them what makes you unique and special, the more likely they will notice and appreciate what makes you unique and special. 

If you are looking for a secret charm, try active, non-judgmental listening. It is the best compliment you can give someone – the ultimate gift.

Look Beyond The Superficial

Most superficial things come and go. And, even those that last often become mundane as they accumulate or time progresses. 

For instance, beauty is a fleeting feature while money is something that becomes less important the more you have it. So, if you had chosen beauty and money over the heart, you might find yourself in a place where the beauty no longer interests you and the money holds little significance.

Don’t get me wrong. Surely, attractiveness and wealth can serve as good indicators that someone pays attention to things and is hardworking. But you must go the extra mile to see if they are truly beautiful and rich on the inside because it is really what will make you happy or miserable in the long run.

True worth – the one that is permanent and doesn’t decrease in value over time – lies in character

Seek substance beneath the surface. The thing you want is to ensure the core, more impactful things are right.

Respect Her Choices and Journey

You must understand that different people, at different points in their lives make different choices. And, that is what makes us individual. 

Every girl you meet has her own life story. She’s out there doing her thing. Maybe she’s building a business, maybe she’s into art; whatever it is, it’s her path.

If she picks modelling over medical school, that’s her call. It’s not “impractical”; it’s what makes her, her.

I remember meeting a girl who was into the sales of Agrochemicals. Even though I was worried about the toxins and was about launching into telling her to switch to tech, I held myself back. It wasn’t easy, but I tried to listen more than trying to solve her problems. Yes, she complained about how stressful it was and the little money she made from it, but I just tried to listen and only offered my idea rather than downplaying her own choice.

The truth is that ladies are not the weaklings who need saving that movies and fictional stories make them out to be. They are actually stronger and smarter than you think.

Respect her choices. Her past shaped her.

When you respect her journey, you see yours better. Her chasing her dreams might push you to chase yours.

For example, Claudia Sheinbaum chased her dream of being a President while her husband focused on his dream of being a Financial Risk specialist. Despite it seeming like a pipedream, he supported her and today she is the first female president of Mexico.

Understand How Love Works Before Falling in Love

If you want a girlfriend, you need to get what love really is. It’s not just a warm feeling. It’s a powerful emotion that can overwhelm you.

Think of it like alcohol. A little is okay to keep things fun and exciting, but too much and you can lose yourself.

You need to learn to give and receive love to get a girlfriend. This is not the same as making love, I mean really caring about their well-being – like how your parents loved you.

But here’s the warning: Love can blind. When you’re in love it becomes easy to miss huge red flags.

Worst part? Love makes you easy to manipulate. You tend to want to do things for the person you care about just like parents buy gifts and even put their lives on the line for their kids. It’s only natural.

So, what to do?

William Penn once said, “Never marry but for love; but see that thou lovest what is lovely. He that minds a body and not a soul has not the better part of that relationship, and will consequently lack the noblest comfort of a married life.”. Before you start falling head over heels in love, make sure you take a good hard look at this person. Do they really align with your values and vision?

If they don’t then you need to distance yourself till the effect of the alcohol, I mean love, wears off.

Seek Partnership, Not Ownership

Finally, remember a girlfriend isn’t a trophy you win. She’s not some prize for being a nice guy or being the one who pays her bills.

Don’t think she is another one of your assets or employees that should work for you.

A girlfriend is more of a teammate, a partner – a future co-founder of your family. 

Just like you will respect and value a business partner, you should also respect and value a girlfriend. 

And, that is why in the previous steps, the emphasis was not just on her body. But rather her values, ambitions, intelligence, and so on. Things that’ll make you both grow.

Remember, in real partnerships, sometimes you lift her up, sometimes she lifts you. It’s not always 50/50. Some days it’s 80/20, then it flips.

Bottom line: A girlfriend isn’t property. She’s a partner. Don’t try to own her or complete yourself with her. Find someone who shines bright on her own. 

Brace For Rejection, And Ask To Be Your Girlfriend

I can relate, it is not easy to ask a girl to be your girlfriend. They can reject you. And, hell, rejection hurts like crazy.

But, rejection won’t kill you. At worst it will redirect you.

If you’re inexperienced, it can feel like a herculean task. So, I recommend you get some practice. You can begin with small acts, like a compliment, or a kind word. Personally, I started by complimenting sales girls and nicely dressed ladies who I walk across the street. A simple, “Nice hair” is enough. You don’t have to become Shakespeare. You don’t have to complicate things.

The more you do this, the bolder you’ll grow. Then, you can proceed to compliment your crush, ask for their phone number (if you don’t already have it), and eventually ask them out.

A girl who likes you wouldn’t make things difficult for you. And, the earlier you ask for what you want, the earlier you can enjoy it. On the flip side, those who would reject you would still reject you no matter how long you wait, so why remain in limbo?

Handling rejection is a skill that you get better at the more you practice. Personally, one thing that really got me comfortable with rejection was taking up a salesperson’s job. I walked from door to door during my 400 Level in the university selling bottles of honey, and later on Bedsheets. I got so much “No” that it became music to my ears. Okay, actually, it still sucked, but I cared less because it became part of statistics which I knew “Yes”s were a part of.

If what you are offering (in this case a relationship) was right for them, they wouldn’t be saying “No”. Just like my sweet honey was sold to other people who enjoyed it, you are still valuable whether she wants the relationship or not; and the person who would eventually give you that yes will still enjoy you. 

I know I’m beginning to sound creepy, but you get the point. Don’t take rejection personally. It is not you, it is both of you and then the offer.

Conclusion: Date Someone Who You Can Be Yourself Around.

One thing that makes asking a girl to be your girlfriend so anxiety-inducing for a lot of guys is that they tend to skip steps. They skip the part of friendship – of getting to know her better.

They meet a complete stranger and within 24 hours they are asking her out.

Not only is that stupid, it is very dangerous: It opens up the guy to being manipulated, but what happens if she says yes but happens not to be compatible with them?

I think the issue is that many guys put girls on pedestals. They don’t understand that there are also girls searching “How do I get a boyfriend?”. 

You’ve got to understand that the thing you’re seeking is also seeking you. Your job isn’t to run helter-skelter looking for just any girl to say “Yes” to you (make you feel validated or offer some sex).

Your only task is to strive to invest in yourself, know your worth, and date the girl worthy of you. Because, you are also worthy of being chased, loved, and being a boyfriend.

The aim is to build a deeply intimate and meaningful romantic relationship with someone who values and appreciates you.

Date someone you feel you can be yourself around.

Book Recommendations: Best Dating Advice Books

Here are 5 best books on relationships and dating that are not toxic and are highly recommended:

• Models: Attract Women Through Honesty, By Mark Manson
• The 5 Love Languages: The Secret To Love That Lasts, By Gary Chapman
• Getting The Love You Want: A Guide For Couples, By Harville Hendrix
• Hold Me Tight: 7 Conversations For A Lifetime Of Love, By Sue Johnson
• Love Is Not Enough, by Mark Manson

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