Kate: an ebony voluptuous beauty – with flawless melanin-rich skin. She’s smart, gentle, yet fierce like Venus. Often adorned in scarlet apparel, she makes me weak to the knees. The thought of her makes me want to be a better person. She’s out of this world, but that’s only because she’s my imaginary lover – a standard I used to look out for in an eventual soulmate.
It’s probably the equivalent of a lady wishing for a billionaire lover, with a well-chiselled physique, who loves to watch rom-coms with her and cuddle all night.
Either way, when expectations are very high, tending towards fantasy, they set the stage for disappointment. But, is the idea of having a soulmate equally too much, and simply a disappointment waiting to happen?
Who Is A Soul Mate?
While “soulmate” simply refers to someone with whom you share a deep connection, values, and often a romantic bond, many people envision it as a predestined, perfect match who completes them entirely. However, there’s no scientific proof that everyone (or anyone) has a single, perfect partner waiting for them. In fact, “soulmate” isn’t a scientific term. However, the human brain’s capacity for pair bonding provides a biological foundation for forming strong, lasting emotional connections with certain individuals that leave us feeling attachment, euphoria, trust and comfort; convincing us they are our soulmates.
From an objective perspective, what is often considered soulmates are two compatible people who share deep connections, unconditional love, and deep understanding (that come from shared values and dreams), and who are willing to work through their challenges to help each other (and ultimately the relationship) flourish. Nevertheless, some of such great bounds can still get broken – for a plethora of reasons – just like any other relationship can end.
To a large extent, I think the idea of a soulmate is treated much like Religious Texts by Fundamentalists and Purists. While there is (also) a simple definition for them (i.e. a collection of ancient writings), many people often have a dramatically different, deeper, and debatable view of the thing itself (i.e. holy and divine instructions that should dictate all we do and must never be criticised or updated for any reason).
Whilst everyone has the right to believe whatever they want, it is always worth asking, “Is this belief true?”, or “Is this belief helpful?” and if not affirmative, it is always best to let it go (or, at least, modify it).
Does Everybody Have A Soulmate?
Some people meet multiple people within their lifetime whom they consider soulmates – i.e. people who fit (almost) perfectly into their lives and bring them immense joy and happiness. Sometimes, these “Soulmates” are not romantic in nature – i.e. it could be a friend, colleague, mentor, etcetera. These people often leave you thinking, “Wow! I doubt I can ever meet someone like this ever again” (especially if you somehow part ways).
It is worth acknowledging the rarity of finding someone who complements and makes you feel loved to the point you believe it must have been predestined and perfect. The data suggest that not so many people ever get to experience (life-long) bliss in their relationships, but rather are often miserable or dissatisfied. So, it is safe to say not everybody meets their soulmate in the traditional sense, and the question of having a soulmate is highly subjective and hence has little to do with the reality of your relationships.
Nevertheless, it is still interesting to know why – i.e. to know why so few people ever get to meet someone they can call a soulmate.
The answer is not simple: It is most likely a combination of several factors including individual differences and shortcomings; unrealistic expectations, and life’s sheer chaotic nature.
But, of course, that won’t stop you from finding your soulmate, would it?
Get our free eBook on how to live a happy and meaningful life when you input your email now.
How To Find Your Soulmate
Feeling a strong attraction towards someone, at first sight, is not a sure sign of destiny – it’s not the Angels whispering “Perfect”, nor does it mean your stars are aligned. In fact, thinking the first person you zing with is your soulmate is a dangerous mindset that can easily be exploited by manipulative people who can mirror your personality, tell you what you want you hear, and love-bomb you into thinking they are perfect for you (only to leave you feeling confused and hurt once they reveal their true uglier nature).
But don’t panic, doing the following will guide you to your “soulmate” while saving you from manipulators. To find your soulmate…
Start with a realistic expectation of the other person and the relationship
While envisioning our soulmate, we often imagine, “kind,” “fun,” “attractive,” and “adventurous.”. While there’s nothing wrong with desiring these qualities, they’re simply too vague and incomplete to encompass a whole human being. People aren’t consistently “fun” or perpetually “energetic”. “Attraction” can fade, and a “kind” person can get hostile given the situation.
We often imagine a soulmate who fulfils every role: nurturing like a parent, playful like a friend, wise like a mentor, and you name it. Disagreements and even fights rarely cross our mind – we project our relationship into our favourite Disney movie and add extra sparkles.
The truth is, nobody’s perfect, no relationship is conflict-free, and harbouring such expectations is not only unrealistic but also puts immense pressure on the other person, strains the bond, and sets you up for heartbreak. It is a recipe for a rude awakening by a slew of disappointments.
Instead, see and embrace the other person as an individual with their own unique strengths, weaknesses, and quirks, just like you. Recognize that disagreements and challenges are inevitable, but also resolvable.
Shift the focus from solely fulfilling your desires and needs, to building a meaningful relationship.
By starting with a grounded perspective on both the other person and the relationship, you pave the way for a more realistic, fulfilling, and ultimately, sustainable bond.
Be clear on your non-negotiables:
Understanding the intricate workings of your psyche is essential to avoid ending up in misery. You need to have a clear understanding of not just what society tells you is important, but what is important to you. In other words, find out and/or be honest about what brings you joy, and what are your absolute dealbreakers.
You must be clear on your attitudes to, or stance on, subjects like authority, religion, responsibilities, sexual intimacy, money, children, ageing, fidelity and a hundred other things. What is your stance on crucial topics that have the potential to be dealbreakers for you?
For instance, would you consider an abortion in the event of an unexpected pregnancy? Could you tolerate your partner earning money through fraudulent means or engaging in stripping? Are you comfortable with sharing household chores like washing dishes and mopping floors?
Remember that what constitutes a deal breaker to you might mean nothing to others, so it might take some effort to find out and decide for yourself. This clarity comes from deep introspection, self-awareness and honesty.
The only issue is that there are just so many things that can constitute a deal-breaker, and you might not know until you stumble on them. However, it might help to observe other couples (the happy, miserable, as well as divorced) and read books to learn what issues might arise.
Far too many people hop into a relationship like a rookie trader will enter a market with their full portfolio and with no stop-loss. They only rely on hope and have no limits to what they can tolerate. And, like a rookie trader, they often pay dearly for their impulsiveness.
This is why you must be clear on your non-negotiables from the outset.
Identify core values
Back in the olden days, marriage was a rational, cold, and sometimes ruthless business. It had little to do with romance. Age, desires, and even basic human decency were tossed aside in favour of securing the most advantageous socio-economic position. It was all about finding the “best deal,”.
Nowadays, the pendulum has swung wildly in the opposite direction. Many, perhaps in an attempt to escape the loveless unions of the past, rely solely on fleeting emotions and sentiments as their guide. They believe that anyone who makes them feel good must be their “soulmate,” leading to rushed decisions like unprotected sex (on the first date) and marrying (the wrong person) the following week. But this approach is like charging into battle butt-naked, discarding the armour for the sake of feeling lighter.
While you now have the freedom to choose someone you’re attracted to, it doesn’t mean strategic thinking should be thrown out the window. The sweet spot lies in understanding the values that will not only bring short-term happiness but also lead to a thriving relationship in the long run.
So, what are your absolute must-haves in a soulmate? What values are non-negotiable for you in life? Is it honesty? Respect? belief in God? etcetera. Identifying these core values and going for someone who aligns with those will create common ground, allowing both of you to be yourselves while minimizing friction and strengthening the bond.
Lead the ideal life you want to share with your soulmate
While it’s tempting to daydream or even map out the perfect life with your soulmate, living your best life right now is often the wiser move.
What kind of adventures would you love to share with your soulmate? Is it seeing a movie at a cinema, dancing the night away, exploring the world, or saving for a big goal? Start doing those things now. Sure, some activities require a partner – for example, making babies – but don’t put the rest of your life on hold until they appear.
In fact, actively pursuing the life you want to share with your soulmate can attract them to you. When you talk about your passions and goals, it can ignite that burning desire in the right one to want to be a part of your journey.
So, don’t wait for someone to complete your life, start living the life you envision and you might just attract the perfect partner along the way.
“Before you find your soulmate, you must first discover your soul.”
– Charles F. Glassman
Put effort into finding them
Believing that a soulmate will magically land on your lap can lead to a passive approach to love, leading to missed opportunities.
As mentioned above, live the life you want to live with your future soulmate today. But, also keep an eye out for someone sharing the same lifestyle.
Step out of your comfort zone and go to those places you have always wanted to go. Be curious about the people you meet in those places.
You can go on social media or sign up on some dating sites and check out people whose profiles match your realistic expectations as well as values. Some popular social media platforms, like Facebook, even have a dating section embedded within, and as the algorithms/AI learns more about you it can recommend those whose ideals align with yours – sometimes, more than you even realise. It’s creepy and feels lazy, but it is still worth the shot.
Say “Yes” to invitations, go on dates, and don’t be afraid to ask out people you find interesting. It’s always nice talking to interesting people and acting out love.
“The greatest love stories are not those in which love is only spoken, but those in which it is acted upon.”
– Steve Maraboli
Be patient and learn to say NO
The pressure to be in a relationship is real. You’ve probably heard the “just take the leap” advice countless times. Societal pressure intensifies as you get older, and singlehood becomes maddeningly unpleasant. Most of your friends and age mates get married, people look at you weird if you move around with younger people, and the few people who are within your age bracket don’t want to waste time any longer so they demand commitment almost upfront, even before getting to know you well.
Going out to events and the places you enjoy begins to feel a bit awkward as you are seen all alone. Sex also gets harder to come by (unless, of course, you are paying for it, which by the way is illegal in most places, frowned upon by culture, and generally less fulfilling to you).
Yet, finding the right one often requires being patient and saying NO to people who do not align with your expectations and values.
While some people do find a soulmate easily, it takes others quite a while to find that person who they can consider good for them.
Nurture your relationships
Discovering someone who shares your values is a true gift.
However, it’s important to remember that even the things we cherish most are fleeting. They may offer moments of pure bliss, but eventually, they change or move on.
Embrace these fleeting joys without clinging to the illusion of permanence.
The relentless pursuit of an idealized “perfect” partner often fuels dissatisfaction with current relationships. This relentless search overlooks the potential for growth within existing connections and the value of nurturing them.
Instead of chasing a fantasy, focus on improving the not-so-perfect relationships you have.
Perhaps your soulmate isn’t to be found but simply seen. Maybe you’re too distracted or blinded by unrealistic expectations to see the hidden gem.
“Your soulmate will be the stranger you recognise.”
— R. H. Sin
Be open to change
If you already have a partner but fear they are no longer the person you feel in love with, you must understand that circumstances and people change. Even with a deep understanding of yourself and your partner, unexpected events – positive or negative – can trigger shifts in who you fundamentally are.
Life isn’t static. You might encounter major, life-altering events like a miscarriage, chronic disease, parenthood, losing loved ones, career change, or anything else that disrupts the norm. In fact, good things can also alter the norm. These experiences are rarely predictable, and they have the potential to reshape goals, values, and even lifestyles.
So, even though you or your partner might have truly changed, what is required is understanding rather than rejection. It might help to talk things out or go for counselling rather than assuming they are no longer the people you once loved.
Remaining open to change is crucial. Embracing these shifts and adapting together can strengthen the foundation of your relationship, allowing you to weather life’s storms as an anti-fragile unit.
“You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.”
– Sam Keen
Practice gratitude
One study divided participants into groups. One group wrote about daily annoyances, while the other listed things they were grateful for. Interestingly, the gratitude group reported not only increased happiness but also improved relationships. They felt more positive towards their partners and more comfortable discussing relationship concerns.
Research suggests that expressing gratitude towards a partner fosters stronger bonds. Couples who regularly express gratitude experience increased positive feelings and a deeper connection. Studies even indicate that expressing gratitude releases oxytocin – the “love hormone” – which strengthens the bond between individuals.
Expressing appreciation towards your partner can lead to increased happiness, improved communication, and a stronger bond.
Perhaps, practising gratitude can be the secret to rekindling that passion that once made you consider your partner a soulmate. Perhaps, you can rediscover your soulmate in your current relationship by being more grateful.
Seek professional guidance.
Some professionals are beginning to take on the role of matchmakers. These professionals aim to help individuals understand themselves better and then connect them with compatible partners based on thorough assessments.
My own conversation with a therapist – who is a member of the Association For Counseling, Matchmaking & Psychotherapy Of Nigeria (ACMPN) – highlighted the potential of this approach. She shared a success story of a couple she matched, who have reportedly enjoyed a happy marriage (with kids) for several years.
This approach suggests a potential shift towards a more informed and intentional way of committed relationships, focusing on psychological compatibility rather than solely on societal pressures or fleeting emotions.
Who knows, all you need to do to find your soulmate might be to go ask a therapist for help. It might sound ludicrous now but might become the norm in the next 100 years or less.
When Will You Find Your Soulmate?
You’ll find your soulmate when you find yourself – a never-ending journey of self-improvement and discovery. Soulmates, in essence, are extensions of ourselves, so the deeper your intimacy with your own self, the easier it might be to recognize that special one – someone with whom you share interdependency and mutual care, rather than codependency.
Conclusion: Leave Your Imaginary Lover And Find Your Soulmate
Fun fact: I wrote this piece listening to “Imaginary Lover”, by Atlanta Rhythm Section. Here’s a verse from the song;
“Imaginary lovers never disagree
They always care
They’re always there when
You need satisfaction guaranteed
Imaginary lover, imaginary lover
You’re mine all the time
My imaginary lover
You’re mine anytime”
It reminds me of porn and masturbation. It can be comforting and even make you feel good in the short term. But, ultimately such a mindset/approach promotes narcissism and potentially abusive behaviours. It can also lead to dissatisfaction, conflict, and suffering in the long run, as people also have needs and feelings and are not mere dildos you can use to stimulate yourself – physically or emotionally.
If a therapist rewrote the song, it might sound something more like this;
“Soulmates sometimes disagree
They truly care
But they also let you know whenever
They feel hurt or disappointed
Soulmate, soulmate
You are loyal and honest
My soulmate
I cherish you”
Though I’m not sure these lyrics will be a hit like the previous one. Nevertheless, you must let go of your imaginary lover, to find your soulmate.
You know your time is slipping away – and you’re missing the opportunity to create the adventure of a lifetime with someone real (yet imperfect).
***
Did you enjoy this piece or have some questions? Please let us know in the comments section.
Below are some other content you might find interesting;
- [Good & Bad] Reasons to be in a relationship with someone
- How To Know If You Are Ready For A Relationship
- Is It True Nobody Likes You? [10 Tips To Fix That]
- Things to Do Before Getting Back With Your Ex: Tips on How to Talk to Them About It
- Self-rejection: Why You Avoid The People And Things You Love And Want.
I enjoy writing long-form SEO content for self-help and personal development blogs. I can also do simple graphics design and copywriting. I’m an author, coach, logician, introvert, and storyteller. I love simplicity.