A few years ago, before a trip, I went to make my hair. I wanted my usual Ghana weaving style, but with a twist, and I explained exactly what I wanted to the hairdresser. Halfway through, I realised she was doing something else entirely.
I had two options: call it out and maybe have her start over, or let it go so I wouldn’t hurt her feelings. I let it go. I sat there until she finished, paid, and cried all the way home.
In that moment, her feelings mattered more to me than what I wanted, or what I was paying for. From the outside, it probably looked like patience, maybe even understanding. But I wasn’t being kind. I was avoiding the conversation, and the conflict that might come with it, because I was more scared of upsetting her than of walking out with hair I didn’t want.
For most of my life, I’ve been praised for this. My parents, my friends, and the people I’ve worked with have all described me as good and selfless. It earned me approval at home and made me a great employee. But somewhere along the way, it also left me resentful and dissatisfied with myself.
So I started to wonder: when does kindness stop being a freely chosen act of care and become a way of managing other people’s emotions? And when did I move from being a good person to playing a role I was expected to play?
In this blog post, I’ll share what I’ve learned about the line between kindness and people-pleasing, and how I’m learning to say no.
What Causes People-Pleasing?
Growing up, if it came down to my needs or someone else’s, I’d say, “Mine can wait.” I was proud of being the selfless child, and I carried that identity into adulthood. And that was when I started to feel the cost of it. What I didn’t know then was that I was self-silencing: holding back my feelings and needs so I wouldn’t lose the people around me.
With partners, I would often order food I knew they’d like instead of what I actually wanted. I did this just in case they didn’t enjoy their meal and wanted to eat mine. With friends, I would be the one who reached out and put real time into the friendship, even when I was not getting the same back.
It bugged me, but I found myself dreading the uncomfortable conversation and the possible conflict that might come with putting my needs first. And, coming from a family where issues were mostly swept under the carpet until the flask was full – like getting reminded and punished for forgetting my bag in the school bus the previous week simply because I had spilled a cup of water that day – I sort of learned to endure while keeping score, and only expressed myself when I felt the “flask was full”.
In many Nigerian homes, saying no to an elder is considered almost the highest form of disrespect, especially if you’re Yoruba or a woman. You are raised to be agreeable and accommodating, so that saying no often feels unnatural or just plain difficult, leading to what psychologists call unmitigated communion – which is a fancy way to say you take on other people’s problems as your own, struggle to say what you need, and maybe even depend on them for approval.
Many of these expectations come from values worth keeping: respect for elders, family responsibility, and looking out for one another. But they become a problem when they stop you from expressing a real need.
That said, putting others first isn’t always a problem. Sometimes putting someone first is a sign of love, like taking care of a sick parent when you’re the only one who can. In moderation, that is, doing it sometimes and without hurting yourself, it could even improve your sense of well-being and strengthen your relationships.
So, how do you find this healthy balance?
How to Stop People-Pleasing (Without Becoming Unkind)
People always say a strong boundary and a firm no is all it takes. But you also don’t have to be mean or unkind to show that you’ve stopped people-pleasing. Here’s what has been helping me.
Know where each decision is coming from.
Before you say yes, ask yourself: Would I still do this if nobody praised me for it? Am I helping because I care, or because I feel obligated? Am I doing this because I want to, or because I’m scared of what happens if I don’t? Your answers will tell you whether it’s kindness or people-pleasing.
Give yourself a moment before you answer.
My yes usually comes out before I’ve even thought about it. So I’m learning to say, “Let me check and get back to you.” It gives me time to figure out what I actually want. And when the answer is no, it helps to have the words ready. One study found that people felt freer to say no when they were given the exact words to use. So, I arm myself with phrases like “I can’t this time, but thank you for asking” or, “I have a personal policy against that ”. No apologies or long explanation needed.
Reframe guilt as growth.
Most times, we people-please because we feel guilty for setting boundaries, and that’s absolutely normal when you’re just starting. But guilt doesn’t always mean you did something wrong. Sometimes it just means you’re finally breaking that self-silencing and self-abandonment pattern. Sometimes you might find someone outrightly calling you selfish, reminding you of everything they’ve done for you, or acting hurt so you’ll change your mind. That’s often their discomfort with the change, especially if they’re used to you always saying yes. And, perhaps, you should also know that’s emotional blackmail. I crowd out the guilt by reminding myself that I never do things for friends or family with a hidden agenda of cashing it out in the future. I try to keep to promises, but even that does not require jeopardising my wellbeing.
Another thing to remember is that the fallout is usually smaller than we fear, especially if we are dealing with healthy and sensible individuals.
Speak up earlier.
If, like me, you tend to hold things in until the flask is full, practise saying small things as they happen. For me, this is as small as telling my partner, “I’m going to order what I actually want this time.”
Conclusion: You Can Be Kind Without Abandoning Yourself
The point is: every yes you don’t mean is a small no to yourself.
Perhaps you do keep the peace by staying quiet. But what does it cost you?
How much of what you want have you given away so someone else wouldn’t feel uncomfortable? How much resentment have you quietly stored up, waiting for the day it spills over like a full flask?
Kindness only means something when you’re free to say no. So speak up early, while the problem is still small. Let people be disappointed sometimes. They will survive it, and so will you.
Be kind to people. Just don’t forget you’re someone too.
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Below are some other pieces you might like:
- They Call It Selfish, I Call It Self-love
- How To Pursue Personal Goals Without Neglecting Family Expectations
- Tired of Saying Yes to Everything? Here’s How to Say No (Without Guilt)
- Guilty Pleasures: 5 Steps To Overcome The Unnecessary Shame.
- Empathy Vs Compassion: The Dangers of Empathy And Why You Must Develop Compassion To Truly Help People
Abimbola Abe is the co-founder of Launchstack, a marketing and automation agency. She is a writer and thinker passionate about self-development, philosophy, and the way we experience life.
Beyond writing, she trains individuals and businesses on leveraging AI to improve productivity and streamline operations. Through her work, she helps people and brands work smarter, grow faster, and navigate the evolving digital landscape more effectively.
