How to Ask Her to Be Your Girlfriend (Without Scaring Her Or Risking Embarrassment)13 min read

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If you don’t ask her, how would you know?

Asking brings clarity. Yet it doesn’t guarantee certainty.

And most times the uncertainty is the scariest part. I mean the anxiety of not knowing what she would say or do. What if she says yes? What if her friends discourage her? What if things get awkward?

This is a common fear, experienced by billions of guys just like you. 

As a teenager, I faced a similar challenge. The thought of asking my crush out was petrifying.  

Sometimes, this fear can mess with your head. (It messed with mine). I was overthinking everything, even my feelings, and that made figuring out what to say and how to say it feels impossible.

However, I  learned, the hard way, that avoiding expressing your feelings to her because you’re shy, nervous or afraid makes it worse. The best way to get over the fear is to just go for it. 

Now, we are left with the question: how?  

I’ll explain, but first, let me explain why.  

Why am I scared of asking her out

Despite the close proximity to her and extended eye contact, I never managed to propose plans to my crush – to grab a bite together at the school canteen or spend some time together.

While the fear of uncertainty played the central role, other motivations were present and deserve a mention…

Fear of not being good enough

My crush, the high-brow student, sat at the front of the class. Her finger would spring up for every question. She was rarely wrong with her answers, and her grades never dipped below a B. This fact earned her a series of honors at the end of the school term.

Me? Let’s just say my academic performance was the polar opposite. That made my self-esteem low. I worried that I wouldn’t measure up to her expectations. And this brought about the next problem. 

Fear of rejection 

I feared she was going to reject me in a heartbeat because I didn’t match up to her.  Her bold personality, impressive records, and intimidating beauty filled my anxiety tank. 

Perhaps, you are just like me on this one. 

Humans are afraid of rejection. 

Rejection is a sting to our desire for connection. 

Sometimes rejection can feel like a reflection of your worth. However, that’s merely an exaggerated fear. 

Fear of making a fool of yourself

As every thought spiralled into imagining the worst; Will she laugh at me? Will she make me feel embarrassed? A tension grew at the thought of becoming a joke to my friends who knew what I was up to.

Just as a modern quote says, “Never underestimate a man’s need to feel respected; his pride swallows more than hunger”.

I didn’t want my friend to make fun of me or for her friends to gossip about me. 

Another type of fear that didn’t happen during my search for love but is worth bringing up…

Fear of Vulnerability 

Entering a romantic relationship opens you up to getting hurt – aka vulnerability.

Vulnerability is the courage to show up and be seen, even when there are no guarantees. The act of embracing uncertainty, risking rejection, and allowing ourselves to be truly seen, flaws and all. 

Fear of Commitment 

The fear of committing to someone, especially someone as impressive as a crush, can be daunting and discouraging. It’s natural to wonder if you are truly ready for such a significant step and if you can handle the responsibilities and expectations that come with it.

Whatever the case; your pathway to authentic connection intersects with your willingness to be honest and open, knowing that it’s through vulnerability that we cultivate meaningful relationships and experiences.

Anyway, fears of any such can make asking a girl out feel like trying to move around a minefield blindfolded. But hey, I’ve been around the block a few times, and I’ve learned how to do it without being anxiety-driven. And I love to show you, hoping it helps you in your conquest for a partner. 

How Do I Ask Her To Be My Girlfriend  

Movies and clips often show us where a guy confidently approaches a girl, talks to her smoothly, gets her number, texts her, meets her, kisses her and the rest is history. 

However, ditch the pressure to match up to those scripted scenes.  

They do not reflect reality.

Scripted activities make things rigid.

Rigidity is anxiety-driven. 

Rather focus on getting to know her authentically. Because, smooth and colourful mostly happen in dreams, not in real life. 

To love and be in a relationship can be challenging, but true connection and respect make them thrive.

To kick start the process… 

Don’t immediately ask her to be your girlfriend.

I believe that before considering asking someone to be your girlfriend, you should already have a strong foundation of friendship with them (or else you risk scaring them). 

Friendship forms the solid ground for love to grow. Because it’s easier for friends to transcend into romantic partners than it is for strangers to form a relationship. 

Funny enough; in many situations, the main contrast between a friend and a boyfriend is the depth of commitment and physical intimacy; otherwise, they’re quite similar.

So do everything as you would in a romantic relationship, but as friends. Go to movies together, take walks, dine out, visit each other’s homes, and so on. Focus on being yourself, relishing the moments, and having a genuine connection, rather than trying to create a perfect performance. 

If done correctly, sometimes you won’t even need to ask her to be your girlfriend; the relationship naturally evolves into romance; that’s if she’s interested in you and understands the dynamics of dating.

If you can’t be friends, what is the chance of becoming lovers? Almost, Zero!

So;  try to be her friend before asking her to be your lover. 

Hint on your interest rather than making assertive inquiries. 

When you’ve become friends with her after a while and are ready to take this forward, avoid asking assertive questions like “What are we?” or “Where is this going?”, because it can make anyone uncomfortable, nervous and unsure. Instead of strengthening your relationship, it might crack the foundation.

A better approach is to imply your feelings indirectly. For example:

  • “I really value our time together, and sometimes I envision a future with you.”
  • “Why bother with dating apps when I have such an amazing friend like you?”
  • “I feel like I don’t need to search for a partner because you already possess the qualities I admire in one.”

This method focuses on hinting at your feelings, emotions and intentions rather than stating them outright, which can help ease any potential tension and cultivate a positive atmosphere for expressing feelings in the future.

As Robert Greene would suggest; “master the art of indirection. Make others pursue you, never force yourself on them. When you act, act effortlessly, as if you could do much more.” 

Stay on the top of her mind 

Making moves on her is not a one-time show and mustn’t always be dates – you can invite her when going for an event or doing something you think she might find interesting. Your (prior) conversations will help you determine what works best. 

Text, call, and show up enough to make an imprint in her mind.

Absence makes us value our relationships more, but that’s only when the value of presence has been established.

Let them know what you’re bringing to the table, your likes, dislikes, temperament, and so on. Get them to know you better and what dating you might feel like.

However, you should still maintain an air of mystery and boundary. Don’t become a people pleaser or a pest. Don’t start pestering her or forget you have a life. Simply try to incorporate her more into your world; and be curious about what’s going on in hers.

Pay attention to her response, gestures, and words 

Pay attention to her reactions. If she’s interested in you, she’ll probably engage and fly with the subtle suggestions. And that will be your cue to intensify your efforts on her until you win her over. However, if not, she might seem hesitant or shoot down the cupid before it spreads its wings. 

At this point, respect her feelings and boundaries. Be prepared, and accept her answer gracefully.

Make Things Official 

Yet, at some point, it’s best to be clear on what you want. 

Ambiguity breeds misunderstandings.

Misunderstanding may then become a blown-out conflict which can be difficult to circumvent. 

Ask her directly if she wants to be your girlfriend. This eliminates uncertainties and prevents false hope.

Only after you’ve gotten a clear “Yes” should you make things official – i.e. address her in public, or introduce her to your friends as your girlfriend.

This approach acknowledges the reality that relationships of any sort are not a do-or-die affair, and require mutual understanding and explicit consent. 

Be straightforward and honest, so that both of you can move forward with clarity and no contempt or disrespect for each other.

It’s essential, however, to be patient and observe her intentions over time. People often need time to process their feelings and thoughts. Transitioning from friendship to romance can involve drill-down consideration and emotional negotiation.

But you can’t (shouldn’t) wait forever for her to make up her mind.

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How Long Should I Wait For A Girl To Make Up Her Mind 

Wait but don’t waste time. 

It’s okay to wait on her (if she isn’t dating someone else, and seems to like you). 

Stick around if you must. Seduction requires patience. 

However, go on with your life. Do the things you did before she came into the picture.  If she comes around, and you are still interested; you can take it up from there. 

If she doesn’t reciprocate, remember that it’s probably not about you. You can’t fully understand what’s going on in her life beyond the fact you asked her to be your girlfriend and she said no. 

Research by Knobloch and Solomon says people feel unsure in relationships for three main reasons: 

  • They’re not sure about their feelings (self-uncertainty).
  • They’re unsure about their partner’s feelings (partner uncertainty), and 
  • They’re unsure about where the relationship is headed (relationship status uncertainty).

And sometimes it’s simply a result of a love dilemma.

However, if I were to suggest how long you should wait for her response, I’d recommend waiting for a few days to a week. Anything beyond that might be an indication that she isn’t enthused about having a romantic relationship with you. Perhaps she just wants to be friends.

How to respond when she says “Let’s just be friends” 

Many stand-up guys will tell her “I am not interested in being just friends” and may wait to see if her feelings change. However, if they don’t, some may choose to unfollow her on social media, lose contact, and eventually ghost her. 

They believe this preserves their dignity, saves time, and presents them as decisive. This approach has some validity.

However, I consider myself not only a stand-up guy but also a thoughtful one. What I suggest you do depends on whether you believe you could maintain a platonic friendship with her.

If you find it difficult to be around her without feeling jealous or resentful, it might be best to move on entirely. But if you think you can handle being just friends, there’s nothing wrong with that. 

The future is uncertain. Her feelings might evolve if she sees what a good friend you are. However, that’s not guaranteed; she may always see you as just a friend.

You can be her friend while also keeping your options open for a compatible romantic partner who reciprocates your feelings fully. Sometimes, things unfold as they are meant to, even if we don’t understand it at first.

Ultimately, you need to decide if you’re capable of being just friends with her and if you can accept that without letting your feelings interfere.

If you’re open to staying friends, you can express it by saying, “Okay, let’s be friends. I’m fine with that,” or something similar. Conversely, if you feel otherwise, you can politely decline while wishing her the best.

Conclusion; Take your shots. 

Alright, back to the saga of me and my crush.

We never officially got together, but little did I know she had a massive crush on me just as I did on her, until the SS2 final party. 

She was asked to pick a guy from the crowd to dance with, and guess what? Yup, she picked me!

Then, when it was snack time, she made sure I got double of everything. And to top it off, she insisted we take pictures after the party. This was the same girl who usually acted like I was invisible or worse, rude whenever she did notice me.

But here’s the punchline: I found out about her crush from her seatmate, who coincidentally had a crush on me too!

Who would’ve thought I’d be such a hot commodity? They’re practically lining up to get toasted by me. 

So, what’s the point of the story, you ask? 

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.

Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith, put yourself out there, and make the move. Even if it means risking rejection, you never know what surprises might come your way.

So, good luck bro!  

I hope you get your girl. 


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