Maybe You Don’t Know What Commitment Entails: The Sacrifices That Come With a Serious Relationship11 min read

All my life I have been single. Friends have often labelled me as shy, afraid of commitment, or just unserious. None of those descriptions has quite felt right. Maybe beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, but I have often ended up being friends with one of the hottest or most intelligent ladies wherever I found myself – be it in a lecture hall or an interview room.

I don’t have a problem talking to beautiful women. I’ve had FWBs relationships. And, I don’t play games or deceive them. In fact, I am often so honest that it becomes the very thing that draws them to me – this raw, unfiltered way I express what I want or don’t want. No sugar-coating, no false promises.

I have always considered myself unready for a committed relationship: I still have unfulfilled desires I want to explore, and I live at my parents’. However, a few months ago, at age 27, I thought maybe I was ready. Maybe I didn’t have to be 100% “prepared” to begin this journey.

That decision led me to ask out one of the most remarkable ladies I know. Thankfully, she said yes. Everything felt perfect – in my heart, she felt like liquid rays of sunshine that blanket my body in the morning, warming every corner of my soul. But, I ended up exiting in about a month.

This wasn’t because she was imperfect or did anything wrong. It was simply because, even though I intellectually understood what commitment entailed, I had never truly felt the weight of it on my shoulders, so I left before I cracked…

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A few days ago, I came across a video on a friend’s WhatsApp status. It showed a woman essentially mocking her boyfriend (and by extension, any man) who asks her not to accept money from other men who are clearly pursuing her romantically.

I felt my heart grow heavy with emotion. My immediate thought was that this woman fundamentally misunderstands what it means to be in a serious or committed relationship. And perhaps, most people don’t truly grasp it either.

So I’m going to attempt to help you understand what commitment really means so that you’ll take the time to truly prepare yourself for it.

Hopefully, this post saves you from heartaches down the line.

So…

What Does It Mean To Be Committed To Someone?

Beyond benevolent feelings and generous gestures, commitment in a relationship is the deliberate decision to limit and restrict oneself to one person. 

Commitment is not merely about the vows exchanged, rings worn, dowry paid, or virginity given. It’s not the first kiss, the changing of social media status, moving in together, or even having children together. While these physical acts, cultural rituals, and life milestones might signal or symbolises one’s willingness to commit or demonstrate commitment, they are not what commitment itself truly is. Rather, commitment is about actively choosing to prioritise one relationship over all others, even when faced with temptations or external pressures – deliberately and firmly rejecting any pleasures and opportunities that could undermine the relationship, and yes, sometimes enduring the challenges and difficulties that come with staying steadfast in that relationship.

Even the linguistic roots of the word “commitment” reveal this truth. Look up the word in any dictionary or thesaurus, and you’ll find it surrounded by weighty terms such as “responsibility,” “obligation,” “duty,” “tie,” “charge,” “liability,” “burden,” “pressure,” and “undertaking.” The Collins dictionary explicitly defines it as “an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action.” These definitions aren’t coincidental – they reflect the fundamental nature of what it means to truly commit.

Commitment isn’t a marriage certificate or sharing of passwords, even though such outward expressions or formal ceremonies makes it crystal clear to everyone that “commitment” is expected.

Think of it this way: A student can go through school, have their matriculation, wear the convocation gown, and even be given a certificate that declares that they are now educated, yet be uneducated. Yes, that student could bribe authorities, pay someone to impersonate them, or cheat their way through school. And, even if they have all the external markers of someone who is educated, when employed, they will not be able to do what an educated person would. And, indeed, on the flip side, someone could be educated without having visited the four walls of a classroom, and also perform exceptionally well if offered a job.

Just like a student needs to be educated and tested on that education before being handed over a certificate that attests to their education which they will further use in the labour market to perhaps build products or render services, so also someone who wants a healthy relationship needs to be committed and tested on that commitment before being married (or whatever other symbolic thing they choose) that attests to their commitment which they will further use in the formal relationship to perhaps raise kids, plan their finances, and basically live the life they both dream of.

So, when someone claims to be in a serious or committed relationship but goes on to have sex with other people, accepts money and gifts from people who are clearly making romantic advances on them, or even maintains intimate emotional connections with others who are pursuing them romantically, they are simply undermining their partner and the relationship. They are being disrespectful, or at least dishonest with their partner. Which is not good, cool, or healthy.

Being committed means limiting oneself to only the things that a partner can give in that role they are playing. If the sex life isn’t satisfying or meeting your needs, then you are choosing to work through that together. If they face financial challenges, you are equally choosing to face those challenges as a team. 

Surely, you can work to improve things – enhance your sexual compatibility, strengthen your financial situation, and grow together – but you are choosing to do so as partners. There is no running to others to satisfy you sexually or accepting gifts from those pursuing you romantically, even if your partner can’t provide the same level of financial support or sexual satisfaction you desire. That is what commitment means.

It is important to understand that even having a boyfriend or girlfriend still requires commitment. If someone justifies sleeping with others or accepting gifts and money from romantic pursuers while having a boyfriend simply because they haven’t gotten a ring or haven’t been proposed to, that person is not committed to their partner.

While some people can decide to have polyamorous relationships or feel comfortable with their partner receiving support from others, those are more of the exception, and should ideally happen with the consent of all parties involved. Such relationships can equally be healthy and fulfilling given honesty, communication, and mutual consent are maintained.

Why Is Commitment Important?

Nevertheless, commitment, in its raw form – the form that actually limits your freedom and forces you to forgo some things – is actually important in building a healthy, deeply fulfilling relationship

As I highlighted earlier, I’ve had FWBs. They were free to have sex with whoever they pleased. It didn’t hurt me one bit. I’ve had friends who I would normally trek under the sun with back from a lecture, get picked up by a flashy vehicle and I would not flinch. “She’s a fine girl after all”, and “She’s not my babe”. But, I have seen guys crushed when their girlfriend stopped to entertain a discussion with a guy who parked close to them.

Why is this?

The difference is commitment. And, not understanding how deep this goes – all the little things that it entails – will leave you cutting your partner a thousand times, leaving them bleeding slowly to death.

Commitment is important because it guarantees the other person that you won’t leave them in search of someone or something bigger, newer, or better. It means you would rather have sex with them no matter how small their penis is or how flat their ass might be. You would listen to them no matter how boring or difficult the conversation gets. You will stick with them no matter how sick or old they become. And so on.

Commitment is not the same as enduring an abusive relationship. Rather, it is learning to stick to an imperfect relationship (and no relationship is perfect). 

Commitment is important because without it, hardly can anything worthwhile be built. You need commitment to understand your partner on a deeper level. You need it to raise the kids. You need it to work as a team – in achieving your goals be it financial, spiritual, or whatever dreams you both share.

Almost everyone can imagine the pain of a mother being left to take care of the baby alone, or of someone deciding to split up and take everything (the money, car, house, etc) that you both worked so hard for. But, not so many people understand that self-esteem, hope, and trust are equally very important things that the wrong actions can destroy, and those too can wreck someone.

Commitment is like the soil of a garden. It helps every good thing in a relationship grow and mature – from trust and love, to wealth and happiness.

Commitment makes everything compound. Every act of choosing your partner builds up over time, just like how small deposits grow into big money in a bank account.

When commitment is compromised, the relationship suffers. The trust breaks, the safety disappears, and everything you built starts falling apart.

And if it is not renewed – through your daily choices and sometimes painful sacrifices – the relationship becomes less fulfilling, toxic, or in some cases it dies completely.

“It is merely the egoism of the man, who wants to bury a woman like a treasure. All attempts at using vows, contracts, and holy ceremonies have failed to bring permanence into the most changeable aspect of changeable human existence, namely love.” – Leopold von Sacher-Masoch

Conclusion: Commitment Is Choosing The Suffering

Isn’t it unsettling that once people break up, they get all bitter and start listing all the imperfections and wrongdoings of the other party?

I can imagine their frustration and pain. Indeed, they did endure a lot. But, to a large extent, that was exactly what they signed up for. Nobody promised them a perfect partner – they chose a human being, flaws and all.

Personally, I look at myself and I don’t see myself being able to provide all that a lady might need (so that she has no need to go look for it elsewhere, and this discourages me from getting into a committed relationship).

I currently don’t have enough money. What happens when she is in serious financial need? Yes, she is now committed and ideally shouldn’t go asking all her toasters for money. But, doesn’t that mean I am causing her to forgo so much? Am I not basically asking her to suffer because of me?

Perhaps she needs help that is pivotal to her career, or money to clear a serious medical bill. Should I still demand strict commitment from her when I can’t meet these needs? When other guys who are clearly interested in her could easily solve these problems?

And what about me? Can I truly overcome the temptation to be with other women? Supposing I get super-rich and powerful, can I resist all these beautiful ladies throwing themselves at me? Let’s be honest – money and power change people.

In the end, commitment requires constantly overcoming strong temptations. And, because most people buckle quite easily in front of Satan (or whatever you want to call these temptations), that’s why the chances of getting hurt in a relationship is almost as high as getting hurt while drunk driving. You’re basically betting everything on someone else’s ability to resist temptation.

The scary part isn’t even the temptations themselves – it’s that we believe in “true love”, and “happily ever afters” ignoring how most people around us are either divorced, cheating, or silently suffering in relationships. It is amusing how we somehow believe we’ll be the exception, that our relationship will be without suffering.

Commitment is choosing the suffering: forgiving the mistakes, repenting from errors, and constantly rekindling the love, trust, and respect that ignited the relationship.

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