How To Overcome  Shyness [And Attract People]10 min read

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Imagine if everyone was shy, keeping to themselves out of fears, cowering in anxiety in their respective homes. No thanks! That’s a sad world. 

Boldness, proactiveness, and socialization have paved the way for the awesome world we live in today. We need social connections to thrive.

if shyness has been holding you back, it’s time to; 

  • recognize it,
  • learn some strategic ways to boost your confidence, and
  • how to forge meaningful connections. 

Understanding Shyness: What Makes Someone Shy?

A shy person is someone who often feels uncomfortable or scared in social situations. They may be nervous, self-conscious, or insecure, which makes it difficult for them to interact with others or express their emotions. This anxiety stems from their concerns about how they will be perceived or treated by others.

However, being shy is not necessarily a negative quality. Some shy individuals possess qualities like modesty, thoughtfulness, and good listening skills. Nonetheless, there are certain limitations associated with shyness, as is the case with most aspects of life.

Shyness is partly influenced by genetic factors that have been inherited. Consequently, it is regarded as a personality trait. Additionally, learned behaviours and life experiences also contribute to a person’s shyness.

“Shyness has a strange element of narcissism, a belief that how we look, how we perform, is truly important to other people.” — André Dubus 

Signs of Being a Shy Individual: How to Identify Yourself 

I was somewhat shy in my early teens. I recall vaguely how I asked my first girlfriend out when I was 15. I recall feeling embarrassed by my silly hints and gestures.

  • While making an effort to express my feelings, I spoke softly and hesitated in my speech. Because I  was concerned about saying something wrong or being judged, leading to a more cautious and measured communication style.
  • My body language gave me away so easily, it was like I had an “I’m shy” sign flashing above my pretty face. I avoided direct eye contact because sustained eye contact felt overwhelming or intimidating. 
  • If you are a shy and observant person, you will often notice a heightened sense of nervousness and discomfort when talking to an outsider, superior, or someone you like. This can manifest as fidgeting, blushing, sweaty palms, or a racing heartbeat. 
  • Sometimes you may seek solitude or stay on the periphery of the social gathering, observing rather than actively participating in conversations or activities. You may show closed-off body language, such as crossed arms, and hunched shoulders. These non-verbal cues can show that you feel uncomfortable or want to keep yourself safe in social situations. 
  • Chances are; you may be less likely to initiate conversations or approach most people. You might wait for the other person to make the first move or for a more comfortable opportunity to engage in conversation.

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Introverts vs. Shy Individuals

To point out: Introvertism and shyness may indeed have overlapping signs but don’t confuse the lack of interest in socializing and the fear of it.

An introvert may skip a party and read a book, but it’s not because they’re afraid of being around people; they just don’t want to deal with people. Whereas, a shy person may want to be with people but is anxious about going to a party, or go but; don’t talk to anyone out of fear, worry, tension, et cetera 

Therefore, depending on the situation, motives, and experiences, shyness can be a temporary feeling that almost everyone experiences at some point, but it can manifest in different ways. 

So let’s quickly talk about that. 

Types of Shyness

Dr. Jonathan Cheek, a psychology professor at Wellesley College in his studies describes the four types of shyness

  1. Shy-Secure: This group is a bit socially anxious. They don’t need much social interaction. They are calm and talk when required.
  1. Shy-Withdrawn: This was where I belonged when I was trying to impress my crush. People here are fearful about talking to others. They are always spooked at being turned down or criticized, and they often feel alone.
  1. Shy-Dependent: This group craves social connection so much that they overcompensate. They are accommodating and rarely prioritize their own needs. It’s difficult for them to build equal relationships if they always put themselves in a subordinate position. 
  1. Shy-Conflicted: This group struggles with the conflict of wanting autonomy and seeking connections. They often experience anxiety before socializing even begins. This type tends to face the most difficulties among the shy types.

Bear this in mind; when shyness gets out of hand, it can seriously mess with your life. Let me show you how. 

“The shell must break before the bird can fly.” — Tennyson 

How Shyness Ruins Your Life: The Dangers and Consequences of Being Too Shy 

Missed Social Opportunities: 

If you’re very shy, you may feel reluctant to participate in social gatherings or events. Consequently, you might miss opportunities to forge new friendships, encounter fascinating individuals, and create pleasant memories.  

Feeling Isolated and Lonely: 

Loneliness kills but it is excessive shyness that digs the grave.

When you feel isolated and disconnected from others, you may find it difficult to initiate conversations or reach out to people, leading to a sense of loneliness, lack of social support, and sometimes to depression and suicide

Limited Career Growth: 

Shyness can hold you back from advancing in your career. For example, you might find it hard to speak up in meetings, share your ideas, or connect with colleagues. And when others are unaware of your skills, it becomes unlikely for you to receive offers or opportunities. 

Self-Doubt and Low Confidence: 

When you’re shy, self-doubt and low self-confidence often tag along for the ride. Constantly fretting about how others see you can plant negative thoughts in your mind, ultimately undermining your belief in your abilities. It’s like a confidence-sucking vortex that needs to be dealt with. 


Shyness can be an obstacle that leads nowhere but a dreary pit of stagnation and short-sightedness.

Picture those moments when shyness held you hostage, preventing you from seizing public speaking gigs, taking on leadership positions, or pursuing social hobbies and passions. The regrets, the pain, the endless self-blame—they all stem from undue shyness. 

Emotional Distress and Anxiety: 

Shyness is a catalyst for stress and anxiety. The fear of judgment and the pressure to perform in social situations can cause you emotional pain and make you feel constantly on edge.

Difficulty in Forming Intimate or Romantic Relationships: 

Relationships are fun and healthy when both parties are figuratively naked. 

When they express their feelings and initiate intimate or romantic moments without shame or fear. 

However, when you are shy, you might hesitate to approach someone you’re interested in or struggle with opening up emotionally, affecting your dating and love life.

The moment shyness starts pulling a ninja move on your daily life, relationships, or overall well-being, consider it a full-blown red alert. Let’s see how to respond to these signs and conquer shyness. 

“The way you overcome shyness is to become so wrapped up in something that you forget to be afraid.” — Lady Bird Johnson 

— Lady Bird Johnson 

How To Stop Being Shy and Quiet 

Overcoming shyness and becoming bold is a process that requires time, practice, and self-reflection. With that said; here are some steps to get you to work. 

Know Why You Are Shy: 

Figure out why you feel shy. Is it because you worry about what others think of you? Or do you feel intimidated about your looks or ability? Knowing the reasons behind your shyness will help you tackle them effectively.

Welcome The Idea Of Rejection: 

Not everyone is going to like you. People have their own ideas and tastes. That’s why not everyone who applies for a job gets called back.

So, don’t be afraid of rejection. It can toughen you up and make you better at dealing with tough stuff.

When you face situations where people don’t accept or reject you, don’t let it bring you down. Take it as a chance to learn and grow as a person.

Learn To Say “No”:

By saying no, you gain control and reduce drama. This also means saying “no” to your internal conflict, and social fears, and meeting new people.

To achieve this:

  • Set boundaries and say no when necessary.
  • Replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Remember your strengths.
  • Begin by expressing opinions in simple situations. Gradually build confidence and be assertive in various settings. 

Don’t Put People on Pedestals:

Often, our assumptions and beliefs hold us back from embarking on clearly easy tasks or engaging with nice and reasonable people. 

So, when interacting with others, remember they are just like you—people with fears, insecurities, and doubts. Also, with dreams, desires, and the longing for bond and affection. 

Improve Your Mindset And Body Language: 

Stand tall, make eye contact, and use confident gestures. This makes you appear more assertive and helps you feel more confident.

To do this; 

Imagine and act out scenarios where you confidently express yourself. This helps you get better in a safe and controlled environment. It reshapes your mindset and trains your subconscious to respond naturally when the time comes. 

Master a skill: 

Becoming an expert in a skill helps you overcome shyness. Experts are confident and bold. By mastering a skill, you gain the confidence to talk about yourself and your experiences. Remembering the challenges you faced along the way boosts your boldness and reduces shyness. 

“Everyone is shy — it is the inborn modesty that makes us able to live in harmony with other creatures and our fellows. Achievement comes not by denying shyness but, occasionally, by setting it aside and letting pride and perspiration come first.”

— Kirkpatrick Sale

Conclusion: Rid Yourself Of Shyness, Be Bold, And Connect With More People

Back in secondary school, I observed that confident boys, or those who were less shy, tended to attract the attention of beautiful girls. Similarly, outgoing girls were seen as more attractive. 

These dynamics continue to exist globally. People who are confident and have a strong mindset can rise on the social ladder and gain more opportunities in society. On the other hand, those lacking these qualities end up at the bottom and face difficulties in getting even the smallest benefits.

To escape this situation, you need to face your socializing fears and become resilient in dealing with potential rejection. If you can develop confidence and assertiveness; you improve your social status. You may face failures while trying to be more confident, but if you keep trying you will succeed. You will be likeable and attractive (at least to some people), and ultimately become a better person.

A mindful self-help writer and photographer

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