Many people (especially women) usually pause to ask their partner “do you love me?”, especially when they are about to have sex (and more especially when it’s the first time). And, in a seemingly mindless way, this question is usually given a positive answer, “yes I love you”.
But one question may linger in your mind, “why did they ask the question?”.
Just a few moments ago, (perhaps) at the bar, they had been talking about their interests and preferences. They told jokes and shared their childhood stories. You already feel this strong connection between you two. You seem to zing with each other.
You may even love the same kind of movies, prefer the same kinds of food, and, most importantly, hate the same celebrity. But here they are, just a few minutes into the kissing and caressing, with blood pumping and the tension rising, and then they stop, to ask “do you love me?”
This question might have taken you aback, especially if you haven’t been with enough people to expect it. The thing is, not even the person asking knows they were going to ask that question at that very moment. They didn’t just land in your apartment at 10 PM by accident; They were invited, and they took their time to decide if it was okay to go. Then they made up their minds.
But now in the heat of the moment, just after their clothes have been flung to the side of the bed, and the main action is about to begin, they pause. For sure, you’re crazy about them. You loved them enough to pull out your credit card and spend some money on that date (or at least, made time to go on the date).
But why are they still questioning the affection? The answer – their soul.
The “soul” here does not refer to an invisible being or silhouette (that floats around when someone dies), but rather a metaphysical perception of oneself.
When someone says, “I lost my finger”, the “I” doesn’t refer to the body, but the thing that possesses the body;
The “I” is the personality that feels pain when ridiculed, insulted, criticized, or betrayed. It is the part that doesn’t eat or drink or feels any physical pain. It is the part that runs around in dreams and imaginations. It is the part that worries about what other people think. It is illusive.
So you see, it’s not just a naked good-looking person in front of you, you also have a metaphysical personality (inside of that body) that wants to be validated.
Yes, they know you love their body, voice, and scent. They know you are attracted to those enough to want to lay with them, but what they don’t know is if you really love them beyond the outer shell.
They want to know if it is just their body you want. They want to confirm if their “soul” is recognized and loved as well. They want to feel seen on a deeper level. They want to be wholly accepted and cherished.
That’s why Rihanna’s song – “Only Girl” – was a hit back then (and is still sung with deep emotion and passion). With her voice pitching and almost hitting the skies, she cries out “Want you to make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world, like I’m the only one that you’ll ever love, like I’m the only one who knows your heart, only girl in the world”
Anyway, the awkward silence soon comes to an end, as soon as you gaze into their fully dilated pupils and utter the magical words “I love you baby”, kiss them on the lips, and takes off their undergarment.
And you would think it is all over until two days later when they ask you again, “do you love me? or did you just say that to have sex with me?”. Of course, you will reassure them that you do.
However, a few weeks later this question would pop up again. and then again. And, in some cases, all it will take to end the relationship is if they find you complimenting another lady.
Don’t get the wrong idea; everyone wants (needs?) validation to some extent. But, she may just be constantly asking you that question because she feels insecure. And, that is not always a bad thing.
How To Validate Your Partner So They Don’t Question Your Love
In a healthy relationship, both partners provide validation to each other. It might be by
- Complimenting their new hair
- Acknowledging that they are smart
- Pointing out the best features of their body
- Reminding them that they are the kindest person you’ve ever seen.
other times it comes in form of your actions. For example
- You can buy them a gift
- Take them to a special place – an art gallery, restaurant, museum, etc.
- Avoid gawking at other ladies (both in the neighbourhood and on social media)
- kiss them often
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Flirts understand this on a deeper level. They can almost instinctively tell when a lady needs validation for her body, or mind, or both. They know when to tell her that she has a brilliant mind and when to tell her that she has a sexy body.
They know when to appreciate her wholly by convincing her of how highly they think of her. They make her see herself (her soul and body) as important. They know when to buy gifts, and love bomb the lady.
No one is immune to compliments. Everyone likes it, if you deliver it just right, at the right time.
Note: this can also work the other way around. The man can be the one falling under the spell of a lady as she spoon-feeds his insecurities with validation. Consider that this validation doesn’t really have to get romantic. I mean, when the question is asked “do you love me?”, it is not always meant in the usual “romantic” sense. There are situations where both parties are well aware that the relationship can’t work or go public (for serious reasons), yet it doesn’t stop the question from being asked. This can only mean that the words matter less, and the emotions behind them are all there are. It implies the person just wants to know that the person they are about to have sex with appreciates them more than their body; probably a way to seek justification for their actions or a final defense mechanism by the mind to make oneself a little more valuable by making it a little harder to get or probably a result of fears (of being dumped, body shamed, or roughly handled during the sex).
In the end, it all boils down to the emotions experienced by the soul, and that is why you must pay attention to it. That’s why you must look beyond the body in your dealings with a sexual partner, no matter the nature of the relationship. You are getting a dual package – a body and soul.
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Things to note about the question “do you love me?”
- Relationships are as emotional as physical (especially when sex is involved).
- People want to have their soul and body appreciated.
- People would pay and beg you to validate and convince them that they are special.
- People can kill you if they find out that you used their body as a means to your gratification and pleasure (note the word “used”, as it implies you lied about them being “special”, which makes them question their self-worth)
- The question (do you love me?) is mostly based on fear.
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In conclusion, people ask the question “do you love me” because they are seeking validation. And, as a good partner, you should aim to validate them to the point they do not need to ask. However, if they keep asking despite your best effort, maybe it is time you have a conversation with them about building their own independent and unshakable self-worth.
I hope this knowledge helps you strengthen the love and connection in your relationships as you make your partner feel validated, special, and safe.
Good luck with the love of your life
Below are other resources you might find useful
- The Perfect Way To Answer The Question “Why Do You Love Me?”
- Things to Do Before Getting Back With Your Ex: Tips on How to Talk to Them About It
- Friends With Benefits: The Truth About Having A Physically Intimate Relationship With A Friend
- Pistanthrophobia: Overcome Your Fear of Trusting Others With These 10 Tips
- 8 Tips To Deal With A Partner Who Lacks Compassion
A Self-Help Writer And Editor Who Keeps It Simple (Yet Elegant)