It is common knowledge that many people (especially women) usually pause to ask their partner “do you love me?”, especially when they are about to have sex (and especially when its the first time), and in a seemingly mindless way, this question is usually given a positive answer of “yes I love you” – which in most cases isn’t true; at least, not in the intended sense. Which then begs the question, why did they ask the question?
Just a few moments ago, at the bar, they had been talking about their interests and preferences. Making jokes and telling stories of their childhood. And although it’s been barely a week since they first met, they have this strong connection already. They seem to zing with each other. For a start, they love the same kind of movies, prefer the same kinds of food, and, most importantly, hate the same celebrity. But here they are, just a few minutes into the kissing and caressing, with blood pumping and the tension rising, she stops him midway to ask “do you love me?”
As expected, this question usually takes most people aback. Especially those who haven’t been with enough people to expect it. The thing is, not even the people asking knows that they are going to ask that question that very moment, because they didn’t just land in the person’s apartment at 10 PM by accident; it was intentional, they were invited, they knew what was going to happen, they took their time at the bar to decide if it was okay to go, and they made up their minds, but now in the heat of the moment, just after their top has been flung to the side of the bed, and the main action is about to begin, they pause.
For sure, the partner is crazy about them. There cared so much about them to pull out their credit card and spend good money on that date (or at least, made time to go on the date). But why are they still questioning the affection?
The answer – their soul.
The “soul” here does not refer to an invisible being or silhouette (that floats around when someone dies), but rather a metaphysical perception of oneself. When someone says, I lost my finger, you would realize that the “I” doesn’t refer to the body, as that would imply that the finger is still them, but rather their perception of themselves, the personality that feels that it just lost a finger (not itself); Thus, the “I” is the personality that feels pain when ridiculed, insulted, criticized or betrayed. It is the part that doesn’t eat or drink or feels any physical pain, but rather suffers an emotional one. It is the part that runs around in dreams and imaginations. It is the part that worries what other people think.
So now, it’s not just a naked good-looking person in front of you, you also have a metaphysical personality (inside of that body) that wants to be validated. Yes, they know you love their body, voice, and scent. They know you are attracted to those, but what they don’t know is if you really love them besides those things.
They want to know if it is just their body you want. they want to know if their “soul” is recognized and loved as well. They want to feel a little special. They want to be wholly accepted and cherished.
You can now see why Rihanna’s song “Only Girl” was a hit back then (and is still sang with deep emotion and passion). With her voice pitching and almost hitting the skies, she cries out
“Want you to make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world
like I’m the only one that you’ll ever love
like I’m the only one who knows your heart
only girl in the world”
Anyway, this 2 seconds of universal stillness soon comes to an end, as one gazes into their fully dilated pupils (full of strong emotions) and utter the magical words “I love you baby”, kisses them on the lips and takes off their pants.
And you would think it is all over until two days later when they catch their partner eyeing someone else, followed by outbursts which keep happening whenever they so much as over-compliments another person (where the limits are entirely based on how jealous the person can get).
Then, few weeks into the relationship, we have a someone who is anxiously looking to get the passcode to their partner’s phone (now obviously not feeling like “the only girl in the world”, Heck! She isn’t even feeling like the only girl in the street)
Don’t get the wrong idea; it’s not that every relationship ends disastrously or even ends at all, the thing is, every relationship suffers from validation to some extent.
If it was all about sex, then people could have just stayed satisfied with the abundant brothels and hookup websites, and if it was all about support and encouragement, then people would have been satisfied with their friends alone (of the opposite or same gender), but as we know it, that is not the case; People want someone who can both validate their body and soul as well. They want to feel and know that someone appreciates both their soul and body (even though they may not be able to say or relate it properly to their indifferent partner – which usually forces the indifferent partner to yell the question: “what do you want from me?” as they grow irritated by the constant solicitation for attention and validation).
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This is why, the womanizers (aka playboys) are considered liars, and this is the secret to their success too. Playboys know too well what the ladies want (and the same goes for the experienced ladies who just want sex and not a serious relationship – for reasons best known to them).
Rewind to a few moments ago; stop at the moment when the question was asked – “do you love me?”; what do you think the answer of a playboy would have been. In fact, rewind to the moment at the bar; what do you think the conversation would have been about?
There is this thing about these guys (that can even seduce married women). There is a reason for their high success rates with women. These young men are keen on understanding what the other party wants. They tune their minds to understand when a girl needs validation for her body, or mind, or both.
They know when to tell her that she has a brilliant mind and when to tell her that she has a sexy body. They know when to appreciate her wholly by convincing her of how highly they think of her. They make her see herself (her soul and body) as important. This is how they manage to get women paying to have them around, and not the other way around (you must have heard of sugar mummies, right?).
Note: this is can also work the other way around. The man can be the one falling under the spell of a lady as she spoon-feeds his insecurities with validation.
Consider that this validation doesn’t really have to get romantic. I mean, when the question is asked “do you love me?”, it is not always meant in the usual “romantic” sense. There are situations where both parties are well aware that the relationship can’t work or go public (for serious reasons), yet it doesn’t stop the question from being asked. Which can only mean that the words matter less, and the emotions behind it are all there is.
It implies the person just want to know that the person they are about to have sex with appreciates them more than their body; probably a way to seek justification for their actions or a final defense mechanism by the mind to make oneself a little more valuable by making it a little harder to get or probably a result of fears (of being dumped, body shamed, or roughly handled during the sex)
In the end, it all boils down to the emotions experienced by the soul, and that is why you must pay attention to it. That’s why you must look beyond the body in your dealings with a sexual partner, no matter the nature of the relationship. You are getting a dual package – a body and soul.
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Things to note about the question “do you love me?”
- Relationships are as emotional as physical (especially when sex is involved).
- People want to have their soul and body appreciated.
- People would pay and beg you to validate and convince them that they are special.
- People can kill you if they find out that you used their body as a means to your gratification and pleasure (note the word “used”, as it implies you lied about them being “special”, which makes them question their self-worth as they consider themselves dispensable, just like trash)
- The question (do you love me?) is mostly based on fear.
In conclusion, it is left to you to choose what to do with this knowledge. Would you be the one that preys on people’s vulnerabilities (by telling them what they want to hear) or the one who strengthens the love and connection in your relationships by making your partner feel validated, special and safe?
The choice is up to you
And oh! One more thing. It is wise to seek validation from within: Let it come from your efforts and genuine self-love and you would be surprised how invulnerable you would become to manipulation and lies…