Chronically Single: 10 Reasons You Might Still Be Single [And What You Could Do About It]13 min read

Every New Year, you write down “Get into a relationship” as one of your goals, yet you still find yourself single on every New Year’s Eve. It’s not like you don’t have a social life, go out on dates, or have sex. In fact, you could even find yourself getting in and out of a couple of situationships within each year. Yet, for some reason, you don’t seem to stick in any.  

If that’s you, no need to feel bad. Many people are going through the same thing. And, thankfully, there are many who have gotten out of it. So, there is hope.

However, you need to get real – you must be honest with yourself and brace for some uncomfortable truths.

What It Means To Be Chronically or Perpetually Single:

Do you know anyone who has been single all their life? That person who has never really dated anyone seriously. They’ve been single for as long as you can recall, sometimes dabbling in and out of short-lived relationships (even though they say they want a long and stable relationship). This has been the case since they were 18, 20, 23, 25, and 27+, and at each age, they felt (or said) they were almost ready to get into a relationship, but just like a mirage, that relationship goal keeps receding. And even now, they still claim to see that water on the horizon, but you fear it is yet another mirage. That person can be considered chronically or perpetually single.  

Like panting towards a mirage, a chronically single person might yearn for the joy of a lasting relationship only to find it receding. And, unless they realise the tricks their minds are playing, they will never be satisfied.

Perhaps this person is you. It’s not something to be proud of or ashamed of. It is simply a pattern to be recognised. So that you can do something about it.

But, why? Why is this happening?

Why Am I Still Single?

In most cases, the roots of (your) singlehood are more often in your own head, than in any external factors. Think about it, there are always people who live in the same environment as you, but with far less physical beauty, money, height, or whatever who are nonetheless enjoying happy relationships. Heck, even people in war-torn nations are still dating and even having babies despite the odds. So you have to take responsibility for your part in the pattern.

Let me share my personal experience: Back when I was very religious, I simply would not approach any lady and not agree to a relationship because (I thought) it would mean falling short of my saintly standards!

Even when I let go of such a (religious) mentality, I still struggled because I (felt I) could not be with a lady unless I could take care of all her needs. I kept telling myself I didn’t want to be in a situation where a richer dude would take her from me, and I wanted to provide her with everything she needed – as though anyone I dated was a property that could be stolen or a poppy I needed to cater to.

All this was beside my insistence that she had to be extremely physically attractive – I mean, she had to be the hottest lady around. Period.

The funny thing was that such thinking trapped me in an impossible situation: First, I could never have complete control over a lady’s choice to leave or stay. If money was her priority, there would always be someone richer. Secondly, women aren’t pets that you just take care of; they are complex beings best supported and loved, rather than treated like dependents. And finally, just like money, there would always be someone considered hotter, and in the end, physical beauty fades for us all.

The more I gained perspectives from books and conversations and examined my own thought patterns the more ridiculous I found my way of thinking. The interesting thing was that all these while my “Logical mind” kept spinning good reasons to justify my irrational perspectives, even though they kept me perpetually/chronically single.

Basically, if your values, mindset, or goals aren’t compatible with having a relationship, it might be hard to find or keep one. And that’s why you’re single.

…

If listening to yourself is getting you terrible results, maybe you should stop listening, and start paying attention to someone with great results.

10 Reasons You Are Still Single [And Actions You Could Take]

Here are some possible reasons you are still single, and how you can confront them to break the pattern and find greater peace and satisfaction in a relationship:

Self-Esteem Issues

Just as we hate being treated less than we think ourselves, we also (unconsciously) detest being treated better than we think ourselves. 

If you believe that you do not deserve someone, you may never approach them, or even allow them to connect with you.

Low self-esteem can morph into self-sabotaging behaviours – such as self-rejecting or antagonising the thing/person you desire.

Going for or accepting what you desire can trigger anxieties about rejection or even losing yourself in the relationship. But without taking that risk, genuine connection will remain out of reach.

Maybe you need to work on your self-image, cultivate self-love, master communicating your desires without shame or fear, and learn to better accept/deal with uncertainties. 

Unrealistic Expectations

You don’t have to settle – for someone you don’t find attractive, someone you think is toxic, or someone with some other undesirable trait. But, you also don’t have to cling to an image of the “perfect” partner with a flawless physique, dream career, or spotless past. 

Real people come with quirks and imperfections – that’s what makes them interesting! Yes, the things you admire about them were partly birthed by those flaws.

A rigid checklist and being too judgmental can eliminate all your candidates of love. 

Don’t get stuck on the surface, overlooking potential connections with truly compatible individuals. Rather learn to embrace the beautiful complexity of real people. 

True love thrives on acceptance, not checklists.

You can learn to practise more gratitude and detox your mind from the fake reality TV and social media portray.

Unhealthy Patterns 

Past hurts might have you guarding your heart like a Bank Vault. 

While it is understandable why you do this, you also need to understand that the emotional wall keeps you trapped in the past, locked away from present connections and true intimacy.

This can manifest itself by you (subconsciously) preferring and choosing unavailable partners (because they don’t trigger your internal alarm bells). However, the issue is that they sooner or later drift away. And, this tendency for the type of people you find comforting to drift away can go on to reinforce your defences (because now you think, “Had I let them in, they would have ripped more pieces away as they left. Quick, I need to be even more distant. Perhaps, I need more solitude”).

Done for long enough, solitude can then become a bit too comforting. Soon, you could start feeling like opening up to someone new is just too much hassle and risk.

Facing those past hurts and insecurities is the only way to dismantle your defences and create the connection you crave. It takes courage, but it’s the only way.

Fear of Rejection/Competition

You might be dodging dating due to a crippling fear of being rejected (or even embarrassed). Perhaps you see dating as a competition, or game that you need to win or achieve a high score. 

But, if you have to try so much, to the point of getting petrified about getting rejected, perhaps they’re not the person you should/can connect with. Even though a reasonable amount of tension is expected, the right one should more or less make things easy for you by reciprocating the effort you put into connecting. There should be a shared attraction. It should feel more like the excitement you feel when about to travel to a new place rather than sheer terror when you see a snake.

So, perhaps, you’re going for people who you really don’t vibe with. Or, deep down, you’re struggling with insecurities about your self-worth. You might worry that they won’t choose you if they see the real you. But here’s the truth: the right person will embrace you, flaws and all.

Learn to be vulnerable and embrace rejection. If someone rejects you, consider it a good thing – they just saved you from wasting your time and are asking you to go find someone who really connects with you (someone you’re going to be truly happy with).

Circumstances/situations

Maybe your family or culture dictates who you can date, limiting your options.  Or perhaps you’re still healing from a breakup, loss, or trauma.  Even your location could be playing a role – a small town with few prospects, a big city with overwhelming choices, or a recent move disrupting your social circle.

These circumstances or situations can be tough to overcome.

And, the solution could be to give yourself some more time, while directly confronting these external factors when necessary. In the cases outlined above, it could mean going out to meet new people, getting a therapist, or standing up to your family.

Lack of Self-Awareness

Maybe you’re clueless about how you come across. Perhaps you’re oblivious to how your behaviour turns people off. Or perhaps you’re stuck in denial, refusing to acknowledge how your way of thinking is hamstringing your love life.

There can’t be change if you don’t become aware of the problems. So, cultivate self-awareness.

After self-awareness comes the work; Work on yourself – refine your social skills, hit the gym, let go of your need to control everything, and put yourself out there more.

Identity Issues

Maybe you’re hiding your sexual orientation, fearing judgement or even struggling with your own internal conflicts. 

But living a lie about who you are hinders genuine connection. 

The path to intimacy starts with embracing your true self. Perhaps you find yourself somewhere on the LGBTQ+ spectrum.  

Staying in the closet traps your heart and blocks the love you deserve. 

The solution is obvious: come out of the closet and step into the light.

It’s scary, yes, especially if you live in a country like Nigeria. And, perhaps, you might have to leave the country; but, you must come to terms with your sexual identity if you’re ever going to find solace in a relationship.

Ego issues 

“Alpha male” and the endless yapping about “Feminism” all reeks of insecurity and pushes partners away. Objectifying and disrespecting women, or being antagonistic and hateful of men only creates a wall against intimacy.

The truth is, both toxic masculinity and toxic feminism stem from the same place – a fragile ego needing validation through putting the other sex down. This hostility creates emotional roadblocks, preventing real connection.

Break free from the “us vs. them” mentality.

You may have good points no matter the camp you belong to, but, ultimately, you want to pause and ask yourself if fighting is what you really want.

It’s understandable if all these stem from past experiences or a desire for self-protection, but you’ve got to understand that generalisation is childish and harmful behaviour. 

Simply embody all the qualities you want in a partner – for instance, honesty, respect and a growth mindset – and watch as possibilities for intimacy blossom.

Fear of Commitment

Does commitment scare you? Maybe you say you want a serious relationship, but a part of you recoils from the idea of sticking with one imperfect person. You feel it takes the freedom to do whatever you want, whenever you want.

Maybe you often find yourself in a cycle of casual flings, often sabotaging things yourself before they get real.  The degree of vulnerability, emotional entanglement, and responsibility associated with commitment doesn’t sit well with you.

The truth is, until you confront these fears, you’ll stay stuck in a self-perpetuated cycle. You’ll keep attracting people who don’t want something serious (who leave by themselves) or you will eject others before things get serious.

Is endless freedom truly fulfilling, or are you just using it as a shield? What is it you fear so much? Is it not being satisfied, or praised by others, or what?

Getting honest about your motivations, values, and goals is the first step to opening yourself up to real, lasting love.

Priorities

Maybe dating isn’t your top priority right now. You’re busy crushing career goals, lost in hobbies, or simply focused on yourself. There’s nothing wrong with that. 

However, the truth is, relationships require effort. If you feel a relationship will distract you or get in the way of your goals, then, you will keep pushing it to the side.

If finding love keeps getting pushed to the back, it’ll take a backseat in your life.

If you really want a relationship, then consider making it a real priority, not just a passing thought. Plan, reach out, maintain connections, and invest time and energy. Do it well.

This might mean rearranging your schedule or pushing some other goal to the back. 

True intimacy takes investment, so decide if you’re ready to make space for it in your life.

Conclusion: Find Someone Who Is Committed To A Common Cause

It’s impossible to find a perfect person unless you manage to delude yourself (into believing an imperfect person is perfect). But, it is possible to find a perfect one – someone who shares a common cause. Someone willing to give their all – someone ready to ride and die for that cause.

This cause is deeply personal and spiritual: A product of your values and goals. It encompasses all that makes your life worth living and how you intend to live it. Discovering this cause, and finding someone who shares them is critical to dealing with being chronically single.

Despite the pressure, you don’t have to rush this. 

Worse than being single is getting into a committed relationship with someone whose cause is different from yours. They may distract, drain, and derail you.

But if you find someone committed to a common cause, all your efforts will feel like planting seeds, and even your sacrifices will leave you smiling, like a soldier who jumped on a grenade, knowing they have given their comrades a chance to keep fighting!

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