Never Criticise Their Appearance: What To Do When You Don’t Like Their Looks

A few months ago, conversations erupted on social media after a Nigerian lady died due to complications from a failed Brazilian butt lift (BBL) surgery. Some people argued a woman has the right to improve her looks, some called the surgery vain and reckless, while others turned it into a moral issue, either attacking men for being shallow or women for being manipulative.

Usually, I ignore such conversations. However, I was captivated by the story of a lady by the username Miriam Ogbonna (@miriamogb).   She narrated her experience with a man who had told her that she fit everything he wanted in a woman, but lacked the curves he liked. She said he offered to pay for her to get a BBL to resolve his displeasure. However, what came to her mind was that this must be the man her “village people” had sent to destroy her life. In her words, “Imagine trying to coerce me into going under the knife to fit into your ‘aesthetic.’ CRAZY FELLOW. I know he might see this… and this is me telling you again that you are a MAD MAN.”

Some might say what the man did was coercion disguised as help, a lack of respect for her boundaries, or that a healthy relationship does not require you to change yourself. While I mostly comprehend what they mean, I think such takes neglect the reality that humans often prefer and respond to what they see. And, simply antagonising the man’s gesture is one way to scare people away from ever suggesting improvement for someone they genuinely care about — afraid of being branded a “MAD (WO)MAN”.

In this piece, we will explore how to actually navigate that sensitive situation so you can know exactly what to do when you don’t like how someone looks.

Why Does Offering to Help Someone With Their Appearance Often Backfire?

Aesthetics are not all about vanity or manipulation. It can improve how people feel about themselves and pave the way for opportunities. The Halo Effect is a well-studied psychological phenomenon that explains how this plays out, and it is something not to be taken lightly.

I have friends who want to close the gap in their teeth, correct a receding hairline, or gain a few inches. Some, if they could afford it, would consider adding to their breasts or backside — risks be damned. Even my late grandmother wore dentures, the artificial teeth. 

There is really nothing strange about people wanting to improve their “aesthetics” or being encouraged to. If your hair were unkempt, a good friend should say something. If you were gaining excess weight, a good friend might suggest you look at your diet. If you had a condition that left you bald, you might actually start wearing a wig.

So why do comments on looks sometimes get frowned at? 

Well, I think the issue lies in the dynamics of the relationship with the person, as well as the reason behind the comment.

Generally, the opinions of strangers on our looks are considered rude and offensive. And, any suggestion that comes from a place of disgust, distance, or dismissal is also hurtful or disrespectful. Which, when you think about it, is the reason Miriam called the man a madman sent by her village people.

But, again, there are internal issues. Someone who doesn’t accept themselves might wrongly assume a cosmetic surgery would fix the issue. It doesn’t always work. For example, some people go for a simple nose job, then come back for their lips, then their eyes, then their breasts — each time more aggressive than the last, until some surgeons actually advise them to stop. Though they sometimes simply switch doctors.

The point is, acceptance is key. If you haven’t known and accepted yourself and others for who they are, any improvement on the outside might be problematic. Humans are by nature imperfect, and that imperfection is often what makes us unique (not ugly). To try to fix all imperfections is an expensive way to be miserable.

The person with the long hair may not have a cute face. The one with the cute face may not be that tall. And the tall one may not be funny. This isn’t an argument against seeking improvement — even the purely aesthetic kind. It’s an argument that all improvement should come from a place of acceptance, not rejection.

Knowing Someone Better Changes How You See Their Flaws

It’s a strange thing, but the people you care most about are often the ones whose flaws you least notice. Not because you don’t see them — but because they don’t register as flaws to you. My brother is cross-eyed, but I seldom think about it – I don’t even see it most times. However, strangers, especially ones who seem to lack manners, notice and obsess about it, sometimes making snide remarks.

All that to say — before you suggest an improvement, it’s worth asking whether you actually know this person well enough to offer it. Because the closer you get, the less you may feel the need to.

So, unless someone raises something themselves, chances are they’ve already settled it internally. For example, many people who are disabled, crippled, or in a wheelchair report a good or excellent quality of life. How is that possible? Shouldn’t they be whinning and crying about their condition all day? Well, they don’t. In fact, think about their disability far less than we imagine. And it’s only in rare moments, when something is genuinely inaccessible, that the limitation surfaces. The rest of the time, they’ve made peace with it.

Self-Acceptance Determines Whether Someone Can Accept Your Support

My sister once told me about a friend of hers. This friend was the whole package – she had the body, the mind, the heart. And she was in a relationship. But she had a terrible accident that left a huge scar right across her face. Her boyfriend at the time didn’t think much of it. However, my sister’s friend ended the relationship herself. I suspect it’s because she couldn’t accept herself at that point — and so she thought of herself as unworthy of his love or worried he might be sticking around due to pity. It took years to come around and out of that thinking. Thankfully, she is now happily married.

What she experienced is not unique to her. Studies show that people with low self-worth unconsciously sabotage relationships that feel “too good” for them. In other words, people can only receive acceptance to the degree they have accepted themselves. 

We don’t accept people as they are — they allow us to accept them as they are, else they push us away. And in the same vein, we only allow people to accept us to the extent we’ve accepted ourselves, else we hide and try to change.

And “The curious paradox…”, as Carl Rogers put it, “is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” That is where real change begins — not in correction, but in acceptance.

People can go through the most dramatic changes, holding your hand — even something as gruelling as a full-body tattoo removal — when they feel fully accepted first.

The secret is acceptance. An unconditional love of who that person is, even if they are paraplegic, can’t speak good English, are very skinny or fat, etc. From that place, even the most difficult conversations become possible, and change sprouts.

How Do You Suggest Someone Fix Their Appearance, or Looks Without Offending Them?

A few years ago, I met someone who looked cute and had an interesting personality. But I also noticed that they had a chipped tooth. I could tell they were self-conscious about it because they always held back their smile, seldom letting it fully show. As we got closer, and the conversation about the chipped tooth came up, I got to better know how they felt about it, how much they wanted to fix it. And, though I didn’t have issues with the tooth and was even noticing it less, I showed support. They eventually went to the dentist and got the tooth filled, and I can tell you the change was visible — not just in how freely they smiled but also how they felt. In fact, that “aesthetic” was arguably instrumental to their career growth in the media industry.

Research shows that people are far more likely to make changes when they voice the desire themselves rather than being told to. So, before offering suggestions or help, 

See if they are already aware. Ask: “If there was something about yourself you’d love to change or improve, what would it be?” or “What’s one thing that, if it were different, would make you feel more confident?” Questions like these open up the other person to share without feeling confrontational or embarrassed. Most people who are vulnerable with you will be willing to bring it up themselves. If they don’t consider something a flaw, let them be.

Point back to something they’ve already said. If someone regularly makes comments or jokes about how skinny they are, their hairline or something else — you can reflect that back: “You’ve mentioned that a few times. Do you intend to do anything about it?” Then shut up and listen..

Support the change they are already attempting. If they signed up for a gym and stopped going, or are saving up for a cosmetic procedure, offer to be their accountability partner, recommend a programme, or contribute financially if you can.

And if they show no desire to change, aren’t complaining about it, and aren’t making any attempts — leave it alone. If it is genuinely unbearable for you, like the man who couldn’t deal with a woman who wasn’t as curvy as he’d like, then go find someone better suited to what you want. Trying to reshape someone rarely works and often backfires badly.

One more thing from personal experience is that being clear about what you want upfront ensures that what you don’t want doesn’t enter the conversation. For example, if you prefer tall, muscular men for dating, then let that be known amongst your friends. That way, your friends won’t try to link you up with someone who doesn’t match those specs. That way, you also don’t find yourself wishing the skinny dude would start eating more protein and going to the gym.

Conclusion: Sometimes, a Small Change Is Actually a Big Change.

Unsolicited feedback, advice, or help is often frowned at – especially if it is about someone’s look.

Although not particularly about the body, there is a scene in Arcane that came to mind. In that scene, Jinx was introducing herself to a cop as the “criminal” they’ve all been looking for, and the cop, looking at her, said, “You expect me to believe Jinx, the master criminal, wears pants like that?” Jinx, taken aback, responded, “What’s wrong with my pants?” Most viewers burst into laughter. You could tell Jinx was genuinely thrown. The feedback was unsolicited, unexpected, and implied that something was wrong with her pants. And honestly, I noticed the funny outfit too — but as I got to know the character, it faded into the background, until it was pointed out again by the cop.

Later in the series, we see Jinx in an alternate dimension where she was never radicalised. In that dimension, she was just Powder — a smart, sweet little girl who loves building contraptions and can’t hurt a butterfly. And in that version, nobody was commenting on her pants. Because sometimes, a small change is actually a big change. 

What might seem like a minor adjustment — say, someone’s pants — might require an overhaul of who they essentially are. Then how much more their butt, tooth, or some other body part. 

Think about these things next time you catch yourself wishing you, or someone else, were just a little different from the way they are currently.

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Below are some other pieces you might also like: 

• Unconditional Love: How To Love Someone’s Soul
• How To Be More Respectful To People [Even When You Don’t Like Them]
• 60 Big And Small Things To Be Grateful For Every Day [Even When Things Are Tough]
• Is It True Nobody Likes You? [10 Tips To Fix That]
• Self-rejection: Why You Avoid The People And Things You Love And Want.