Why You Haven’t Gotten What You Want:9 min read

It’s far easier to see why others don’t get what they want. In fact, it is often somewhat laughable, like the meme below.

“Yes, I’ve had a crush on you since we met. Couldn’t you tell from the way I have been ignoring you?”

When I first saw this meme, for a while, it was funny, but then it dawned on me that this might be me, you, us.

It’s like seeing a fly bumping its fragile head against the glass while the other half of the window is wide open.

Ever so often, you are like the flies – doing something completely idiotic from the third person’s standpoint.

If you could switch perspectives, you would by now be flying free through the window and into the beautiful, lush vegetation outside.

So, it becomes particularly important to ask…

“Are There Ways I am Being a Complete Moron?”

Have you ever been in a situation where the eventual solution to your head-splitting problem was so simple you felt like beating yourself?

For over a year, I was trying to create dedicated authors pages for writers on our blog, but nothing seemed to work.

I read several blogs, saw several videos, and asked many “experts” but no solution.

Then, one day, I stumbled upon the answer. It was simply a matter of toggling a switch on an SEO plugin I had installed years back.

A single click was the solution – not coding, paying for software, or hiring an expert.

Think about your current greatest desire – from financial freedom to true love,

What if your solution was also that simple?

What if the frustration, expense, and time were all unnecessary?

What If You Just Needed To Take A Step Back?

Resetting is a universal solution. You are told to restart your PC if it is freezing, your phone if the data connection stops working, and your body (by sleeping) if you’re feeling tired.

A simple solution everyone told me while I was pulling my hair, eyes-red, trying to figure out the reason why my website wouldn’t permit me to have an author’s page was to simply deactivate all plugins.

This was guaranteed to work 80% of the time.

Looking back now, indeed, it would have 100% worked for me.

But I refused to do it.

Why?

Because I had so many plugins installed, doing so many things, with so many hours of settings invested.

I didn’t want to unravel all I had built. I didn’t want to reset. I didn’t want to go back to how things were before the struggle.

What if you are doing the same?

What if you are still struggling because you are:

• Listening to friends you had as a kid
• Holding on to the assumptions you had as a teen
• Working with tools you acquired as a student
• Following career paths chosen for you by parents
• Staying in the neighbourhood/town you were born in

What if you’re trapped by the sunk-cost fallacy?

What if you need to take a step back and purge yourself of everything?

Not in the sense of throwing them all away.

But to see how you function without them.

Or, more correctly, see how they make you function.

Perhaps,

• When you go back to that friend, pay attention to how their advice makes you feel or act towards your partner.
• When you see others gifting people, reflect on how your assumptions influence how you feel about celebrations
• When you work with that software, observe how simpler or harder it makes you work
• When you follow that routine, notice if it energises or depletes you
• When you travel out or return to your city, examine if it excites and empowers or depresses and limits you

Like the SEO plugin — which I least suspected affected my ability to create author pages — is it possible that your problem is stemming from somewhere you are not looking?

Indeed.

Past Solutions Could Be Present Problems

Here is the thing: there is no friendly advice, teenage assumptions, or tools of the past that didn’t serve you well. If it didn’t, you wouldn’t have had it till now.

So, no need to start looking out for malicious friends, false assumptions, or bad tools. In fact, often, what you would find is that the many well-intended advice, helpful assumptions, and effective tools create the worst impediments to progress.

You see, even the setting to make the author’s link/page inaccessible in the SEO tool was activated by me years ago for a good reason.

Without that setting, some Search Engine bots might crawl my blog multiple times through the author’s links looking for different contents each time, and might falsely report duplicate content. And since I was the only writer on the blog, there was no need to leave room for such mistakes.

The suggestion made sense and indeed served my blog well…until I stopped being the only contributor, and the author’s link was needed to start working. But I had forgotten.

Now, the question is

In What Ways Have Past Solutions Turned Present Problems?

This is a deeply personal thing to do. It calls for deep, thoughtful reflection.

There comes a time in a person’s life when they ought to sit down and reflect on their lives in general.

Could it be that your beliefs in Santa, Monsters, and Aliens, while they might have gotten you to act right or avoid wandering into the dark or strange places, are now making you a scared and hesitant adult?

Could it be that trying to come first, win the game, or defeat others while they might have gotten you to strive to improve yourself as a kid are now making you a toxic and self-centred adult?

Could it be that the toothbrush, underwear, or towel which might have kept you clean and fresh a few months ago is now becoming a potential hiding spot for germs and viruses?

Could it be that habits, routines, or disciplines that once brought structure are now creating rigid inflexibility?

Could it be that the places that were once giving you peace and a meal are now preventing you from flourishing and yielding fruit?

No, seriously. Reflect.

Think about what hurts you the most – is it your spiritual, physical, intellectual, relational, or emotional well-being that is at stake?

What things that served you in the past might be blocking your exit into a better life now?

What If You Need An External Influence?

On several occasions, I have had to scare or gently knock a fly off the glass before it reverts to find the open window.

Here is the truth: sometimes, we need something or someone to knock us off our moronic paths.

Sometimes, this can come in the form of someone supporting, motivating, or inspiring us, but it can also come in the form of being rejected, mocked, or attacked.

• I didn’t take my studies seriously in my secondary school until I was mocked by a classmate for coming 6th
• I didn’t start my personal development journey until I was rejected by a crush
• I didn’t take my safety and security seriously until I was robbed at gunpoint
• I didn’t start my blog until I was inspired by a book
• I didn’t start my entrepreneurial journey until a friend trusted me with some goods
• I didn’t start my freelancing career until a friend showed me how much they were making

For most of my life, my environment pushed and shaped me. Thankfully, these have mostly been for good. However, there are times when the fly is not scared or gently knocked, so it can find the window but is crushed.

Hoping for random external influences to show you the way is not be the most effective strategy for navigating life, especially if you wish to succeed, fast.

So, what do I reckon? 

Without complicating things, you need:

• A mentor or coach – who has made the mistakes, found the solution, and is living the success
• A therapist – who understands humans in general and your madness specifically
• A Community or Tribe – full of people who care about what you care about, and are hell-bent on making the dream a reality
• A (new) ritual – that reconnects you to your deeper purpose when you lose your way
• A challenge or goal – something that pushes you beyond your current limitations

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” — Unknown 

Conclusion: Embrace The Principle of Optimism In Getting What You Want

The principle of optimism states that anything not forbidden by the laws of physics is possible with enough knowledge.

While life is complicated, convoluted, and incomprehensible, it helps to move with optimism because as large as our ignorance, so too are the opportunities to be enlightened.

You might currently be bumping your head against glass. But, you are no stupid fly, are you?

You can take feedback from the environment.

You can document results from trial and error.

You can read the documentation of others. 

You can iterate instead of just repeat.

You can find your way out. 

You can get what you want.

“The only true test of intelligence is if you get what you want out of life.” — Naval Ravikant

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Did you find this insightful? Please share with friends and family who you think might also like this. Below are some other posts you might like:

1. [What If] You Unconsciously Hate Success?
2. What If Being Wrong Is What’s Right?
3. The Identity Trap: Why Your Success Might Be Holding You Back (And How to Break Free)
4. When Your Dream Fails: 4 Solid Ways to Move Forward 
5. Limiting Beliefs: 10 Tips To Overcome Thoughts That Hold You Back.