How to Grow Up: A Practical 10-Step Guide to Improving Your Character24 min read

Ever wondered why some Clergymen cheat on their partners or launder money while some drug addicts are honest or hardworking?

Well, being great in one aspect of our lives doesn’t mean we will be great in other areas.

Just as Cristiano Ronaldo is a football legend but may suck at singing, so also we all have different character strengths and weaknesses.

It doesn’t matter if you have GOAT, Professor, Reverend or [insert big title] attached to your names, you don’t have everything dialled in.

This is not to take away from your accomplishments. But, rather to help you see there is always room for improvement no matter who you are.

This post will explore the concept of character strengths and how you can improve them to “grow up” as a human.

Character Strengths: The Gauges of Growth

It is common to see the default abilities of video game characters represented in gauges. You may see a character with 80% speed, 30% Power, and 50% Health. While another character may have 40% speed, 90% Power, and 70% Health. 

As a gamer, you know any increase in any of the abilities will give you a huge advantage, so you get intentional about filling them up; though, of course, your style of play and the mission you’re playing will have some influence on your preferences.

So too it is in life.

You must improve your character to grow. That’s how you conquer life’s challenges and attract what truly fulfills and endures.

And, just as in video games, in psychology, there is something called “Character Strengths”. It was first introduced by Martin Seligman and Christopher Peterson. They came up with 24 of these character strengths, which are further divided into six classes – which are Wisdom, Courage, Humanity, Justice, Temperance, and Transcendence.

Let’s briefly explore them:

Wisdom

These qualities help you learn and use knowledge in smart or helpful ways. These characters include:

• Creativity: The ability to generate or recognise new ways of doing things.
• Curiosity: The ability to develop and sustain keen interest in many things; i.e., the tendency to go down rabbit holes.
• Open-mindedness: The ability to consider different (sometimes contradicting) viewpoints.
• Love of learning: The ability to simply enjoy learning new things.
• Perspective: The ability to see things from different angles and recommend helpful advice.

Courage

These qualities help you move through life without compromising or giving up in the face of difficulty or challenges. These characters include:

• Honesty: Tendency to tell the truth and remain authentic.
• Bravery: The ability to face fears and difficulties instead of backing down.
• Persistence: The ability to stick to things until they’re finished or completed.
• Zest: The ability to live life with energy and enthusiasm.

Humanity

These qualities help you care about and connect with others. These characters include:

• Kindness: The ability to do nice things for others (out of pure benevolence).
• Love: The ability to value and nurture close relationships, and also welcome them from others in return.
• Social intelligence: The ability to understand how other people feel and think.

Justice

These qualities help you contribute to a strong community. These characters include::

• Fairness: The inclination to treat everyone the same.
• Leadership: The ability to organise and guide groups to achieve goals.
• Teamwork: The ability to work well with others as a team.

Temperance

These qualities help you avoid going to extremes, spiralling out of control or doing things you may regret. These characters include::

• Forgiveness: The ability to let go of anger towards others.
• Modesty: The ability to resist bragging about your achievements.
• Prudence: The ability to apply caution while making choices and avoiding mistakes.
• Self-regulation: The ability to control your emotions and impulses.

Transcendence

These qualities help you find meaning and purpose in life. These characters include::

• Appreciation of beauty: The ability to notice and enjoy the beauty around you.
• Gratitude: The ability to be thankful for good things and show appreciation.
• Hope: The ability to believe in a positive future and to work towards it.
• Humour: The ability to see the funny side of things and make others laugh.
• Religiousness: The inclination to believe in a higher power or purpose.

The Levels of Growth: Moral and Cognitive Maturity

There are so many ways to measure personal growth. But, let’s consider the work of developmental psychologists like Jean Piaget, Lawrence Kohlberg, and Robert Kegan who have spent years figuring out how we mature morally and cognitively (or we can say, “how our characters improve”). 

Kohlberg, in particular, came up with an interesting model that can help us understand our own growth. According to him, the three main levels of maturation are:

Level 1: Preconventional Morality

At this level, you are all about what feels good at the moment.

You don’t think about the future or consequences. 

Think of a child who would grab and eat as much cake or chocolate as they can have (without thinking if their parents will approve or if it might cause them a running stomach). Or, a kid who would resist taking their meds simply because it tastes bitter (without considering how it may get them feeling better in the near future).

Character at this level is simply either reactive or self-serving.

Level 2: Conventional Morality

At this level, you are mostly concerned about how your actions might bring you gain while avoiding losses. 

Your decisions and behaviours are all about getting rewards or avoiding punishments.

Think of someone who will follow the rules when being supervised, but will cheat – in an exam, game, relationship, etc. – if they believe they won’t get caught. Or, someone who would remain nice to you as long as they have something to gain (think of gold-diggers and fake friends).

You know, you are still self-serving but can think further into the future, which gives you the insight to negotiate, bargain, or trade to get what you want.

Level 3: Postconventional Morality

At this level, you do what is right simply because (you believe) it is right.

You align your actions with your sense of ethics and values.

Imagine someone who will return a lost wallet, even if no one is watching. Or who would turn down sex offered by someone who they think might be vulnerable (perhaps someone who is drunk or hurting/needing a shoulder to cry on).

If you’ve been around enough people, you sure do know that these levels of development are not always correlated with age, neither is it tethered to religious or ideological affiliation.

“You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever” – Germaine Greer

Why You Need To Grow Up: The Value of Improving Your Character Strengths

Without a well-developed character, you’re bound to run into trouble with yourself and others. To clarify, consider this:

• Responding to pleasure and pain alone might work for simple situations, like eating when you’re hungry or avoiding red-hot objects. But it’s unreliable in complex scenarios where your basic instincts often mislead you. For instance, you might need to resist the urge to eat alone to maintain friendships, push through stress to get work done or fight the temptation of alcohol or other addictive substances to, you know, stay conscious.
• And while it’s possible to get by just looking out for gain and minimising losses, it can cost you those invaluable things that can’t be negotiated for, like trust, intimacy, and love. For example, if you only buy someone a gift because you want to sleep with them, that’s not love. Similarly, if you’re only obeying the law (be it of your country or religion) because of rewards or to avoid punishment, you’re not really trustworthy or good. In such cases, if you lose faith or find a loophole in the law, you’ll likely do something bad without hesitation. This, of course, is bad for everyone.

Sadly, most people are stuck at those first two levels, which is pretty much why society is as it is: It is the reason people feel so empty, and sad, and angry, and so on. It is the reason there are so many rapists raping, internet fraudsters scamming, and politicians looting. 

In the absence of threats and fear, most of these people would tear down the very fabric of civilisation and would then turn around to blame it on others.

Indeed, it can be quite hard to see or admit that you need to grow up. Most times, it is the people around you who can point this out to you. 

Perhaps, they may complain about your impulsiveness, dishonesty, uncontrollable anger, or some other poor character. However, for some, it takes getting arrested or some tragic life event to get them to reevaluate their character. Some might even have to be forced into therapy where a professional guides them to see the characters they need to work on.

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”. – Carl Jung

But, don’t think having a great character and high level of maturity will always be fun. 

I once faced a test. I was taking things slow with a new girl. No sex, just honesty, love, kindness, and all other great stuff. But, just as we were about to start getting serious we found out that according to our culture, we are “forbidden” to date or marry. The crazy thing is we are not biologically related and the constitution of the country has no qualms with our relationship.

“Anyway, I can’t stop thinking of you in a sexual way. I still think of sex with you. I am craving you,” I told her. (Level 1 maturity).

“I understand how you feel dear.” she replied. “I wished we could enjoy all of this but it flaunts now like something that’s awful,” (Level 3 maturity).

“Okay, I understand. I think if I give it time the feelings will go away” (Level 3 maturity).

(Level 2 maturity would be agreeing to start having sex secretly).

While Levels 1 & 2 seem like fun paths to take, only Level 3 will save you from heartaches and troubles in the long run.

My Growth Journey: How Improving My Character Changed My Life

A decade ago, I had a lot of shame, worries, insecurities, anger, and so on. I had no friends (save my roommate). I was also terrified of the future. In fact, I didn’t even see myself living past 25.

My thought pattern and character worked against me:

• I didn’t talk to or even greet strangers or elders – I was low on social intelligence. No wonder they didn’t like me. 
• I considered people as either good or bad, right or wrong, or friend or foe – I was not very open minded. No wonder my perspectives were so limited.
• I wasted so much time on movies, social media, and porn – I was low on self-regulation. No wonder I didn’t accomplish anything worthwhile.

I could go on and on. But, my point is that like most people, the default level of my characters was far below optimal (they hamstrung my life). Heck, I hated myself (cue, depression).

It took me reflecting on my character to start improving them.

Today, I have a lot of friends and admirers online. And, in person, I often leave a lasting impression on people. I know this because sometimes they tell me. For example, a few days ago, I visited a friend in her workplace. And after I left, she texted me thanking me for my time. 

On the professional front, I’ve had people recommend me to clients. I pride myself in the fact that a lot of my friends and family trust me not just with sensitive information, but with even their money and kids.

But, beyond all the external experiences, I am to a great extent at peace with myself. I am not consumed with guilt, shame, anger, or any of such unpleasant emotions. I am not haunted by thoughts nor am I anxious or easily triggered. I am also calm and optimistic about the future. 

This is not to say I don’t have my bad days where I feel overwhelmed by negative thoughts, stay up late seeing a movie, or do some other thing I am not particularly proud of. It is just that I am more often in that clear headspace than not. Plus, I am actually making progress in life, no matter how small or slow. At least, I don’t hate myself.

The rest of this piece will help you start your own journey of growth.

How To Grow Up As A Human: 10 Actionable Steps To Improving Your Character

Before we proceed; it is important to understand that growth can be slow and painful. There are no shortcuts and it can’t be outsourced. In fact, it requires being willing to let go of who you currently are, so you can become who you can be. And that is exactly why the first step is to…

Adopt a fluid identity 

If you identify yourself as a “Dog lover”, you might feel self-conflicted about adopting or even petting a cat. This is also applicable to the identity you might adopt in your career, religious, or social life.

While picking an identity can help you perform better in a sphere, sometimes, it can hold you back in others.

The reality is that you are not a fixed entity – you are ever-evolving and dynamic. But, a fixed identity can cause you to resist this natural change. 

Changing (i.e. improving) your character can also suffer if the changes you’re trying to adopt conflict with your current identity.

You might struggle to be fair or forgiving if you see yourself as a gangster. It can be hard to be humble or modest when you see yourself as a genius or celebrity. It can be hard to be open-minded or consider other religious perspectives if you identify as a Christian or Muslim. 

You want to adopt a simple, fluid identity that can grow and evolve for change to start taking place.

For example, “A Human” is a simple identity you can adopt. A human can be wrong and make mistakes, and also be right and do the right things. A human can be loving, forgiving, and kind, and also be apathetic, angry, and violent when need be.

Carry out an honest reflection

Now, here’s where it starts to get tricky. The question here is, “Can you be honest with yourself?”.

Take a second to think about your own behaviour in different aspects of your life. What levels of growth are you currently operating on? How is it affecting you and the people around you?

When you’re making decisions, what often drives you? 

• Is it immediate desires? 
• Do you think solely about what you stand to gain (or can avoid losing)? 
• Or do you have deeply held principles that you abide by?

This is not always an easy exercise, nor are the unravelled facts an easy pill to swallow.

Firstly, it’s easy to lie to yourself, twist interpretations, or justify actions. That’s why it’s crucial to focus on the outcomes. If they consistently lead to bad or undesirable results, something needs to change. 

We also often focus only on the areas things seem to be going on well. But it’s important to realise that maturity varies across different aspects of life and situations. A strength in one area doesn’t mean everything is balanced.

For example, you could easily manage lust but struggle to endure loss. Or, you could have all the characters that help you excel in your career but suck at relationships.

That is why you must regularly examine your thoughts, actions, and motivations across different facets of your life, to avoid sabotaging or betraying yourself.

And, to help you stay on track, you must…

Develop your ethical framework

While most parents can easily teach their kids the value of growing beyond their impulses, they often fail at helping the kids get to the level of doing things based on principles, because most parents are stuck at level 2 (always seeking gains or avoiding losses).

You see, it is very easy to live your whole life on that level 2. In fact, those who do this very well often “excel” in life: If you do your job very well you will get paid, if you don’t commit any crime you won’t get arrested, and, when you are nice to people, they are usually nice in return. 

In fact, entire laws and social unspoken rules are established to protect and promote this level of growth: If you don’t get paid for a job, you can sue the organisation. If you get arrested wrongly, you can plead not guilty in court. And, when people are not nice in return, you are expected to cut them off or in some cases become mean to them.

However, if you really want to grow up, you must move beyond simply seeking rewards or following rules. You have to get to the point where you do things you believe are important and right whether you get rewarded or not (e.g. volunteering for a cause you believe in or making art). Avoid wrong things even if it is not illegal (e.g. not cheating on your partner and not lying). And, stay kind to people even when they seem not to appreciate it (like forgiving a friend who betrayed your trust or not cussing the rude customer care).

You might want to study/read up on and even engage in conversations and debates about what really is right or good (and why) to see the intrinsic values such higher-level characters hold in and of themselves. For instance, you have to keenly understand why honesty should be practised whether it brings you some discomfort or pain, why love should be unconditional, why modesty is important, and so on.

Knowing these can help you develop solid moral and ethical frameworks that are beyond desire for gain or fear of loss.

Seek and implement feedback

As highlighted earlier, it can be quite hard to see what’s right on the tip of your nose (while others can easily spot it). However, most times, people will generally avoid pointing out what they dislike about you, fearing they might hurt or offend you. This is why there are usually outbursts during fights.

Instead of waiting for a fight, try to understand what others are thinking. You can do this by making them feel comfortable talking, listening carefully, and asking questions. You can also ask them to fill out a survey or pay attention to what they hint at.

If you pay attention without getting defensive, you might find that they’ve been subtly complaining about your cowardice or temper. Or maybe it’s your gluttony or refusal to learn and acquire knowledge.

But, don’t expect 100% accurate feedback. Sometimes, it might just be friends projecting their own biases and issues onto you. And other times, you might just have people who want you to dance to their tune. For example, I once had a lady call me stingy, but upon close inspection, I realised she just wanted me to spend more on her. However, I’ve also had people complain about my lack of religiousness, and they were spot on (sometimes, I struggle with nihilism).

Remember, the goal isn’t to please everyone but to gather insights that can help you grow in ways that are in line with your principles. Use your judgement to sift through the feedback and focus on the bits that genuinely resonate with areas you need to improve. 

Find a role model

Just as kids struggle to share and control their impulses except when a parent is there they punish and reward accordingly, so also most adults generally struggle to improve their character strengths by themselves. Hence, they need guidance.

For some people, it is usually enough to have a role model to look up to. Perhaps, there is someone who you appreciate their creative genius and sense of humour and would love to learn from them. 

You can “stalk” them online and maybe even pay to get into their “inner circle”. And, if you’re lucky, such a person can even be physically around to instruct and give invaluable feedback. 

But be careful not to idolise them. Don’t put them on a pedestal or worship them. No one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes from time to time. Think and question before you follow or act. 

Join the right groups

Groups have an outsized impact in shaping an individual’s character. This is why things like family, schools, peers, or places of worship are considered the primary agents of socialisation.

It is hard for a kid who grew up in a ghetto area to have the same character as a kid who grew up in a rich neighbourhood. This is also true for an individual who spent most of their lives within a strict religious environment in contrast to someone who grew up in a more secular environment. 

For most people, their moral compass and consequently character are calibrated by the environment they find themselves (both online and offline). 

That is why you need to be intentional about where you put yourself or allow yourself to dwell. 

But, keep in mind that groups can also easily get political and corrupted. So, always remind yourself of the level of growth you wish to attain so you don’t get corrupted and devolve.

Sometime, growth also mean letting of, or at least distancing yourself from relatioships that poison or don’t nourish you.

Practice doing the right things for their own sake

No amount of talking or philosophising, nor role model or group will make a difference if you don’t decide to do the right things.

Decide what level you want to operate on. Then go on to live like that. 

Do you want to be more loving? then love without conditions. Do you want to be kinder? then do good without expectations. Do you want to be more honest? then don’t lie no matter how small or subtly. Do you want to be more forgiving? then let go of the anger you harbour. etcetera.

Sure, you will fail sometimes. But, that is okay.

Start taking responsibility

It’s pretty common to see folks slip back into lower levels of character when the going gets tough or they don’t get what they want. You know the drill:

When they face threats, they cower in fear. When they’re badly hurt, they refuse to forgive. Or when their family is involved, they become unfair.

At the root of all this is a gross lack of responsibility. They might say things like “It was beyond my abilities,” denying their active role in perpetuating the unfairness. Or “I can’t forgive them because what they did was terrible,” shifting all the blame to the offender. Or “I had no choice but to run away, the situation was too dangerous,” as if they don’t know principles must be tried to be true…

But here’s the thing: growing up means owning your choices and the consequences. It’s recognising that you always have a choice in how you respond, even when you can’t control the situation itself.

Get expert help

There may be aspects of your life where you may find yourself blind to, struggling with, or helpless in.  In situations like that, it is 100% okay to ask for or go in search of help.

For example, if you struggle with seeing and appreciating the good things around you or easily give up on your goals, a personal coach or therapist might help you develop a more positive outlook and build resilience. They can teach you techniques like practising gratitude, setting SMART goals, developing coping mechanisms, and challenging negative thought patterns. 

This is why top teams and performers all have coaches. 

You too can get diverse experts to help you in different areas of your life.

If there is a character you’re looking to improve and you have the means, then by all means get the help you need.

Stick to it

Yes, it is not always easy. And, sometimes you may falter (just like I did), but that is okay. 

Growth is not always a smooth journey. Sometimes it involves two steps forward and one step backward. The important thing is that you don’t give up or deny your role and agency in your life.

In truth, most significant changes take years to crystallise. So give yourself time and grace.

Conclusion: You must let go of who you are, to become who you might be.

Growth requires effort. Growth requires change. Growth requires letting go of a lot of things you cherish. And, sometimes, growth can feel like dying and being reborn.

As we grow, certain parts of us inevitably fade away. Day by day, year by year, as we age and accumulate experiences, bits and pieces of our identity break off and characters evolve.

I, for example, no longer fear or adore the people I used to in the past. My childhood dreams of being an astronaut or a pastor have long since evaporated. The feelings I had for past crushes have all waned. I no longer consider myself special. Indeed, a lot has died in me.

But, that has also birthed so much more within me. New perspectives, stronger character traits, and more mature goals have taken root where old ones withered away.

As Charles Bukowski once said, “You have to die a few times before you can really live.”. 

This whole process of shedding old parts of yourself to make room for growth is uncomfortable but necessary. It’s through these small “deaths” that we truly come alive and evolve into better versions of ourselves.

The question is, can you let go of who you are, to become who you might be?

Recommendations: Books to help you grow as a person.

• 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos, by Jordan B. Peterson
• Beyond Order: 12 More Rules for Life: by Jordan B. Peterson
• Meditations, by Marcus Aurelius
• The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck: A Counterintuitive Approach to a Happy Life, by Mark Manson
• Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, by Daniel Goleman
• The 48 Laws of Power, by Robert Greene
• Laws of Human Nature, by Robert Greene

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Did you enjoy reading this piece, or have questions? Please let us know in the comments section.

Below are some other content you might find interesting.

• What It Means To Grow Up
• 10 Things To Do With Your Life [Before You Die] 
• How To Stop Feeling Like You’re Falling Behind In Life?
• How Not To Waste Your Life:  Making The Most of Youth To Avoid Regrets In Old Age
• Purpose: The Most Important Thing You Can Do With Your Life.