Sex For The Right Reasons: This Is Why I Want To Make Love To You14 min read

We all embody experiences. When we interact with others we create even more experiences. From the way we look and communicate to the way we move and make love, there is a ripple of gestures and feelings that can generate delight or displeasure. And, at the extremes of these experiences, there is love and hate. 

But what is most confusing is that some actions (sometimes executed exactly the same way) can generate varying experiences. A good example is sex (which this post is about). 

For a long time, I was confused as to why misogynists (which are people who “hate” or “dislike” women) seemed to have sex with more ladies. How can someone hate ladies yet can’t seem to do without them? And how is it that the ladies enjoy every moment with them, up until they are asked to leave or find out this person doesn’t value them?

It took me a while to understand that these men are misogynists not because they beat up or avoid women (though that can be the case sometimes), but mostly because they conceptualise women as lesser beings — often as objects for sexual gratification. And, it is when the women realise this that the pain – ick, regret, resentment, shame, and even trauma – sets in.

Indeed, despite sex being something beautiful and innocent in itself, whenever people have sex for the wrong reasons, the experience sooner or later turns poisonous or sour for both parties. And, that is why, we need to discuss this:

But, I Want To Have Sex

Picture this: A rich man at a party having a drink, and a poor man at a bar getting drunk. Even though they may be having the same drink, it is likely the case that their motivations and experiences are worlds apart. The rich man might leave a bit tipsy, but generally feeling good about the music, all the amazing people they got to meet, as well as the discussions they shared while the poor drunk man may leave feeling guilty and ashamed, disgusted by the smell of beer, and perhaps appaled by the vomit that has drenched them. This too is the same with sex.

You can have someone having sex with their partner, giving and receiving pleasure because they love and care for each other. So that after sex, they go to bed feeling loved and grateful for their partner, reminiscing all that was said as they kissed and frolicked. And, you could have someone else who had sex with a lecturer, giving and receiving pleasure because they want to pass a course. After which they go back to their hostel feeling used, ashamed, and pained as they recall the hurtful things the lecturer said as he invaded them.

While these are somewhat extreme ends of the spectrum, the question is, how would you like sex to be for you? And, the answer to that is largely based on the reason you are engaging in it.

Wrong Reasons To Have Sex

Because, you see, a lot of people have sex for the wrong (not necessarily “bad”) reasons. For example, they may have sex to

• gain favour,
• prove a point,
• put themselves to sleep,
• distract themselves from thinking,
• get their partner to stop complaining,
• get someone to commit to them,
• dominate the other person,
• get over someone else,
• drown insecurities,
• avoid boredom,

etcetera.

And, guess what, all these “wrong” reasons have two major things in common: They all revolve around “Avoiding” negative circumstances and using another human as a “Means” to an “End”.

Needless to say, trying to use sex as a means to avoid your “very real” problems doesn’t always end well. Oftentimes, it leads to bigger issues down the line – if not physically, then at least psychologically.

For person A who initiates sex for these wrong reasons, it might leave a sour, and sometimes bitter taste. It is not uncommon to find such a person crying, cussing, and even trying to destroy the person they had sex with – because they feel used, discarded, or not (well) rewarded for the “trade” they made with their bodies (whether consciously or unconsciously). This behaviour and response, to a large extent, signals immaturity as well as underlying “wound” or unresolved trauma.

And, in cases where person B was unaware the sex was initiated for the wrong reasons, what might follow might be a feeling of regret or shame — and may lament using words like “used”, “invaded”, “deceived”, or “disrespected”. This, of course, can scar them emotionally and psychologically. So, it makes sense that some people prefer giving things time — time to know the other person better — before consenting to sex.

In simple terms, sex for the wrong reasons is often characterised by 

• Transactional sexuality: One, or both parties are essentially used as a tool for personal satisfaction. This is blatant in the case of paying sex workers.
• Lopsided power dynamics: In this situation, one person’s needs mostly or completely override the other’s. An extreme of this will be rape (even in marriage).
• Performance or obligation: Here sex is not had to build intimacy or connection but for duty purposes. This can be seen in unhappy committed relationships where there are a lot of unresolved issues being buried with the “love making”.
• Minimal emotional investment or concern for a partner’s experience: Here, one or both parties may be solely focused on pursuing mere physical release without care for the other party. This can be seen in cases where sex is had for sports, like during one-night stands.

Right Reasons To Have Sex

But, people also have sex for the right (but not necessarily “good”) reasons. For example, they may have sex to

• affirm trust,
• build deeper intimacy,
• express genuine affection,
• experience shared pleasure,
• reassure each other of shared love,
• experiment and try out shared fantasies,

etcetera.

Just like the wrong reasons, the right reasons have two major things in common: They all revolve around “Approaching” positive circumstances and treating other humans as an “End” in themselves.

For person A who initiates sex for these right reasons, sex often feels sublime, expressive, and transformative (especially when the sex leads to genuine, deeper connection and mutual satisfaction). They may feel seen, understood, deeply cherished, and grateful – because they were given the invitation and consent to participate in a mutually enjoyable experience. It takes a lot of growth, healing, and vulnerability to be this person.

And for person B who consented, the story is equally beautiful. Having approached the encounter with genuine care, and seeing that person A also feels the same way,  what follows might be a deep sense of emotional safety and unparalleled trust. Heck, it could even heal and empower both parties emotionally and psychologically.

In simple terms, sex for the right reasons is often characterised by

• Mutual energy: Here both partners co-create the intimate experiences. This can be seen in a polyamorous relationship where all parties discuss, understand, and respect boundaries, desires, and emotional needs.
• Balanced power dynamics: Here the opinions and needs of both persons are honoured. This can be observed in a friends-with-benefits arrangement where communication is transparent, both parties have equal agency, and neither feels pressured or obligated before, during, or after the sex.
• Genuine, deep connection: You can tell because emotions are deep and raw, and there is no faking or forcing. This can be seen in a long-term marriage where partners use sexual intimacy as a form of emotional support, healing, and mutual understanding even during challenging life transitions.
• Profound emotional investment and sincere care for a partner’s experience: Here sex is not approached as a race of who climaxes first. In fact, there might be no climax, but rather a deep emotional satisfaction for both parties. This can be seen in a committed queer relationship where partners prioritise consent, continuously check in with each other’s comfort, and view the sexual connection as a holistic, evolving form of communication.

“You can’t force sex to do the work of love or love to do the work of sex.” -Mary McCarthy.

How to Know You are having sex for the right reasons

But things aren’t always obvious or clear-cut. You could be with someone who seems smart and kind, only to get sexual with them and realise how immature and wounded they actually are. Or maybe it’s you—unaware of just how much immaturity or pain you’re carrying. There are also times when sex is about libido, or even the desire to have a child.

So, it’s not always easy to know if sex is being asked for—or given—for the right reasons. Thankfully, I have stumbled upon a few helpful rules of thumb — so that the next time you get naked with someone, you’ll know it’s for the right reasons:

Examine Your Own Emotional Landscape

Before considering sexual intimacy, take a deep, honest look at your motivations. Are you seeking sex to fill an emotional void, escape loneliness, or prove something to yourself? 

If you’re using sex as a balm to soothe the pain of unresolved personal issues – whether that’s low self-esteem, recent heartbreak, or unprocessed trauma – you might want to pause and reflect. The right reasons for sex stem from a place of wholeness, not emptiness or pain.

Assess the Genuine Connection

While we all have physical attributes that we are attracted to, it is important to (not ignore, but) look beyond this; because sex is more than a physical act. As we’ve explored in this piece, it is almost impossible to have sex with someone without the experience, delightful or not, robbing off on you.

So, ask yourself, “Do I respect this person?”, “Can we have genuine conversations that extend beyond what we are going to do in bed?”, or “Do I love and care about this person – can I sacrifice and openly stand by them during tough times?”. The right reasons for sex involve seeing the other person as an End in themselves, not just a Means to physical gratification or emotional validation.

Check Your Libido’s True Source

Libido, or sex drive, can be influenced by many factors—stress, hormonal changes, substances ingested, emotional needs, and more. That’s why it’s crucial not to act impulsively in the heat of the moment. Taking the time to pause allows you to differentiate between an authentic sexual connection and a fleeting urge.

Are you having sex because you genuinely want to share an intimate experience with this person? Or is it because it’s convenient, available, feels expected, or you feel obligated? The right reasons for sex are rarely about fear of missing opportunities, avoiding conflict, or trying not to offend someone. 

Evaluate Mutual Intentions

Honesty and transparency are key. You might want to have a conversation about what you both want from this sexual encounter. You want to ensure you’re on the same page – that there are no undisclosed expectations that might leave a sour aftertaste if not met.

What does the sex mean to both parties? Are you both seeking the same type of connection? What are the limits of the encounter – perhaps, they do not want penetrative sex but are okay with oral sex. Are there any potential emotional complications (would it change things?)? The right reasons for sex involve transparency, mutual understanding, and aligned intentions.

Consider Long-Term Implications

You also want to think about how this sexual encounter might impact your emotional well-being as well as other aspects of your life. For example, while sex with your boss or superior might seem harmless at first, it can lead to biases and skewed decision-making moving forward, which may have far-reaching unintended consequences.

If you’re without contraceptives, have you considered the risk of STDs or pregnancy? What does it mean for your cultural or religious background? The right reasons for sex often have a lot of self-awareness and intentionality towards it, not whims and short-sighted gains.

Trust Your Intuitive Wisdom

You’ve got to learn to trust your intuition. Sometimes, when you feel something is off, even if you can’t immediately articulate why, there may be something truly off. So, when you feel something is not just right, don’t hesitate to pause or even take back consent. Yes, consent can be withdrawn at any time, even after it has been given (heck, even if they are your lover or spouse, consent can still be withdrawn temporarily).

The right reasons for sex come with a sense of comfort, excitement, and genuine desire – not anxiety, pressure, or internal conflict. It doesn’t feel like a Black Friday deal about to vanish forever. Trust your guts, so you don’t end up in the gutter…Pardon me, I couldn’t help it 😉

Conclusion:  I want to make love to you because I want us to both experience each other and create better experiences.

In my life, I have had to turn down sex a couple of times, not because I hate sex or the people offering it, but because I didn’t feel a genuine connection. I am not demisexual, but there have been instances where I pushed myself to go ahead, only to struggle to hold an erection, ending things awkwardly. So, I learned to turn down sex whenever the vibe is absent. I know some people go ahead and take drugs at points like this, but I think it is good to listen to your mind, body, and soul.

Talking about souls, I don’t necessarily believe in the existence of an ethereal part of humans. I don’t believe souls, energies, or spirits interact or bond when we have sex. Yet, I am very aware that we psychologically and somewhat physiologically bond with those we have sex with; plus STDs, babies, and blackmail are real (which is an even more compelling reason for me to be careful of who I do anything with).

But, just like the allegory of the rich man and the poor man having drinks, I believe sex constitutes an important part of what makes relationships great, fun, meaningful, enjoyable, and intimate. Yet, they’re not the main attraction, and offering it as all you’ve got might actually attract only “drunkards”. Truly internally “rich” persons might feel somewhat insulted if you suggested that “drinks” were all they came for or needed. Still, they’d appreciate a quality “drink”.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that, like a nice glass of wine at a party full of people you love, respect, and admire, sex can help make your romantic relationships feel more alive, more bonded, and more celebratory—it fuels the spark, and should never be allowed to dry up. Consider that Jesus had to turn water into wine, just to keep the party going 😉

So, baby, if you’re wondering why I want to make love to you, it is because I want us to both experience each other and create better experiences.

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Did you enjoy this piece, or do you have some questions? Please let us know in the comments section.

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4. Porn and- Masturbation: The Truth About Your Secret Guilty Pleasure
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