The Selfishness Paradox: Why You Must Think of More Than Yourself To Get What You Want In Life10 min read

This piece is about what I have come to see as the best way to win in the game of life. Not in the sense of it being the good or moral way to win, but because it is the way that most aligns with our nature as selfish, yet communal creatures.

And, that is exactly why I am starting this piece, talking about what I learned from seeing Den of Thieves 2. Which, as the name suggests, is about a group of people stealing.

Spoiler alert!

Like so many other heist movies, we see a team making plans to rob a vault. But, it was more than the money; their lives were at stake because a really, really dangerous man wanted something from the vault.

But here is the thing: a cop offered to join the team. They knew he was a cop, and he knew the predicament they were in. But he stuck with them, and they let him in.

As the movie progresses, you see this cop guy go the extra mile – coming up with ideas, endangering his own life, and basically playing his part – to see that the heist succeeds. And, they do succeed, and give back the very dangerous man what he wanted.

And even though the cop had begun with the intention of wanting to get the thieves arrested, he realised somewhere in the process that being in the den of thieves was what he really wanted.

As twisted as it all sounds, here is the main idea: We all have our selfish desires, but achieving things that are truly grand or worthwhile often requires the input of more than one individual. Hence, to achieve our selfish desires, we often need to do selfless things. And, even when success comes, the wise can tell that the most important thing was the tribe (not the selfish prize).

The Stag Hunt Dilemma: How Would You Survive The Wilderness of Life?

For better understanding, consider the classic stag hunt dilemma in game theory.

Imagine you’re stuck in the wilderness with one other person. There are a couple of ways you could go about trying to survive:

• You could both decide to go hunt for your food separately – which would result in you both hunting small animals. Let’s say you both get a rabbit each.
• You could decide to go hunt, while the other person remains idle – in which case, you get only a rabbit, and could decide to share or not.
• You could decide to stay idle, while the other person hunts – in which case they also get only a rabbit, and could decide to share it or not. Or,
• You could both team up and hunt larger animals like a Stag or Buffalo, and have a feast for weeks.

This is also true for our daily lives, and comes into play in different aspects. For example:

• You could decide to start your own small business (sole proprietorship), and make enough money to get by. Or, you could decide to team up with one or more people to start a bigger business (a company) and become financially free.
• You could decide to masturbate on your own (giving yourself orgasms). Or you could decide to meet with one or more people to have a great time. Or like in the movie,
• You could decide to break into homes as a burglar, or team up with fellow thieves and rob a vault.

Etcetera. 

In the end, even if our individual, selfish interest is to get what we want, anyone with some sense knows that with a team, we get more achieved.

Think about the best or worst people; they all have a team: Hitler had an army. Jesus had disciples. Elon definitely doesn’t build rockets by himself. And even your job (if you work one) doesn’t have only one employee – there are several staff.

But here is where people miss it. They come to an organisation, relationship, or religion demanding their own rabbits.

• For an organisation, it could mean demanding salaries. This is the reason in the book Rich Dad Poor Dad, the rich dad refused to pay the kids; he wanted them to lose their taste for rabbits. He wanted them to learn how to team up, create a business, and charge customers money (the stag). This is how you get rich.
• For a relationship, it could mean demanding money, sex, attention, respect, power, etc. This is the reason divorce rates are sky-high. People want their selfish interests, instead of looking to see if they can find someone who has the same goals; perhaps someone who wants to have sex, build a business, travel the world, or raise kids with them. This is how you make a happy marriage/relationship.
• For religion, it could mean demanding blessings and wanting to get into eternal bliss (Heaven, Jannah, Havala, Nirvana, etc.). This is the reason we have so many religious people hurting their fellow humans, ignoring their responsibilities, and crossing boundaries instead of looking to bless, love, and if needed, even suffer for their fellow humans. This is how you live godly and bring paradise to earth.

Rewards Are Illusions: If The Tribe Wins, You Win. The Reverse Is Also True

External reward, especially money, is one simple way to measure success, but it is not always the main thing. It is like valuing or praising the grains at the silo, instead of the skilled farmer(s) who made it possible.

If football clubs valued money so much, they wouldn’t spend such ridiculous amounts of money buying and paying footballers like Cristiano Ronaldo. They know the players can help them make the money over and over again, and even do more than money. And so they treat them like royalty.

And, I have been fortunate to be around individuals whose organisations treated like royalty: I am talking about staff who get lodged at luxury hotels for several days, with complimentary services covering WHATEVER they want to eat and more.

Heck, I have been to facilities where staff live like money does not exist – I am talking about free accommodation, internet connection, transportation, medical care, and so on. You want anything, you call, and it is made available instantly.

Other times, you see organisations paying those who are sick, pregnant, or who have retired.

When you experience that for a month or two, the way you see life begins to change. You stop trying to make or get money, and start thinking of how to be part of something bigger.

• You stop thinking of increasing service charges for your friends and start thinking of how you could work together to provide a service to the world.
• You stop thinking of lying to people for sex, and start thinking of how to build a healthy relationship where sex is…just there.
• You stop trying to get blessings, manifest what you want, and stuff like that, and start thinking of how to be more spiritual – i.e. in tune with your higher self, which just means being a better human, not just to yourself but others.

Our selfish, short-sighted desires are often fulfilled when we expand outwards and think beyond the craving, living in a way that transcends us.

Those Who Chase Only Rabbits Die: Selfishness Is The Fastest Way To Not Get What You Truly Need

And, here is the saddest thing: You can literally, gradually starve to death with a full stomach if all you eat is rabbits. I am not even being extra here. You can research more on “Rabbit Starvation” or “Protein Poisoning“.

The thing is:

• Rabbit meat is extremely lean (with only protein and very little fat). But the human body NEEDS fat to properly function – without it, your body can’t absorb certain vitamins and the fuel your body needs.
• If you do not start eating fat, your body will start breaking down its own fat stores. You start losing weight. And when all your body fats are gone, the body starts eating your muscles, and soon your organ tissues.
• Worse, too much protein (which rabbits have in abundance) can overwhelm your liver and kidneys, leading to fatigue, diarrhoea, and eventually death. Yes, you can still slowly die of starvation even when you are technically eating (rabbits).

In your day-to-day life, you may not be eating strictly rabbit for your diet. In fact, you might have never even eaten rabbit before.

But think about it. In what ways have you been stuck chasing and consuming metaphorical rabbits in your life?

• Do you really feel and act like a team member in your organisation, or are you just there for the salary?
• Do you really plan to build a life with your partner, or are you just enjoying the sex or money?
• Do you really believe and strive to be like Jesus/Muhammad/Buddha/etc., or are you just enjoying the community, “spiritual blessings”, or perhaps assurance of paradise/nirvana?

Living this way may not technically starve you to death. 

• People go through life working for money, “loving” for gain, and believing for comfort. But it ultimately denies you the life you would have had if you had approached things a little bit differently.
• Just as the body of someone experiencing rabbit starvation attacks and poisons itself, many people destroy their own self-respect, dignity, peace of mind, sanity, and humanity. 
• And they overwhelm and poison their souls with anger, bitterness, regret, shame, fear, and so on.

This is why we have so many “successful” people who are neither happy, nor satisfied. They feel empty despite achieving their goals. And, on their worst days, they might admit feeling isolated, or worse, like they’ve lost themselves in the process.

Conclusion: To Win In The Game of Life, You Must Think of More Than Yourself

The idea of this piece isn’t to tell you what to do. Who am I to do that? I do not have a job. I am not religious. I am not in a committed relationship. And, the intro of this piece was about carrying out a heist. Definitely not a guide to how to live your life.

The idea of this piece is not about being liked or good. No. It is rather about giving you a reason to be selfish, the smart way. And, if that selfish way would involve you dying for a brother, who am I to resolve the paradoxes of life?

I just hope that after reading this, you lose your taste for rabbits. Or, at least be aware of when you are chasing rabbits just to fill your stomach.

I hope it prompts you to start aiming for that stag with fellow tribe members before you slowly starve to death while stuffing yourself with rabbits.

In the end, everyone has different values, and succeeding means different things to different people. Nevertheless, to win in the game of life, you must think of more than yourself.

“The strength of the wolf is the pack, and the strength of the pack is the wolf.” — Rudyard Kipling

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