[Good & Bad] Reasons to be in a relationship with someone16 min read

The trauma was still fresh. I had been having sleep paralysis, lucid dreams, and randomly feeling the urge to cry. However, I had been mostly wearing a smile and looking strong. But, something else was also happening. I was beginning to get addicted to her voice.

She was pretty and petite. Her voice was soothing. Despite having contrary views and values to her, she managed to always steer our conversation to a safe place. She often asked how I felt, and how I was doing. She supported me, and … she was just there for me.

I’ve been single my whole life and have always craved a partner. But, the truth was that it had never been clear why I wanted one. Now, this was someone supporting me emotionally and to my heart, this was it – this was exactly what I needed, and I didn’t have to look any further, because the perfect one is right here.

Enchanted, I would travel for over 6 hrs to go see her, crossing bridges and rivers. There she was. Petit, pretty, and peaceful. Albeit, a bit too calm that evening. Was she shy or afraid? I wasn’t sure. But, she was still as welcoming as usual. 

I hugged her tightly, almost wanting to squeeze her into myself – into the hole in my heart. It felt good. But… was that it? Was that all I wanted? Someone to hug and feel good? Someone to massage my emotions?

What about the distance, finances, misaligned values, and overall incompatibility? What will happen the day I do not want to hug her or she doesn’t want to hug me? Is this even reasonable? Is it sustainable? Is it healthy?

In the end. As I began to heal and come to terms with my reality, that compulsion to hold her fell off. Yeah, she was a good person. And now, I had also gotten her emotionally entangled, only to sever the bond as quickly as it solidified. She was hurt…She was hurt. And, I knew I was a piece of shit.

…

You can unintentionally hurt yourself or someone else badly if you approach a relationship with just your impulses. And, the longer you are ignorant of this, the more suffering you may cause. And, that is why it is important to be clear on your motivation before uttering the magical four-letter words, going for the kiss, or sticking in your phallus.

Why do I want to be in a relationship?

Many people look for a crutch, support, or missing piece instead of a partner to celebrate the vibrant melody of their own life. The result is disappointment and resentment because one day the support gets tired or gets discarded.

Dive deep and find the truth of why you want to be in a relationship. You want a partner who reflects your values, amplifies your joy, and challenges you to grow, rather than an instrument or means for merely escaping loneliness, receiving validation, or fulfilling societal expectations.

Relationships work and are better enjoyed when you’re already complete in yourself. So, It is best to build a fulfilling life filled with connections and activities you enjoy before finding someone to join you. This doesn’t mean your life must be perfect, but rather that you should get into a relationship from a stable state and out of genuine desire rather than impulse or desperation.

“The Buddhists say if you meet somebody and your heart pounds, your hands shake, your knees go weak, that’s not the one. When you meet your ‘soul mate’ you’ll feel calm. No anxiety, no agitation.” – Monica Drake

Growing up, movies and cartoons often portray love as something that sweeps you off your feet and overwhelms you. For a long time, that made me think there was something wrong with me (i.e. that I couldn’t love) because I seldom respond without thinking things through.

It felt like I was being too calculative, and being calculative is usually not associated with love. But love is not supposed to make you reckless nor disrupt your peace and stability. Love is simply an emotion – like anger and sadness – and it is up to you to “think” if it is a good or bad idea to respond or wait till it blows over.

That said, the reason for getting into a relationship (i.e. committing to someone you feel love towards) varies depending on your unique personality and circumstances. So, what constitutes a good or bad reason for getting into a relationship is highly personal. 

Below, we will explore some (not all) good and bad reasons to be in a relationship, but keep in mind that you don’t have to tick all the boxes and that some of these may not be good or bad for you. So, keep your thinking hat on, as we dive in. 

5 Good Reasons To Be In a Relationship with Someone:

As mentioned earlier, what makes one person thrive in a relationship might not be fulfilling for another. However, here are some good reasons to be in a relationship with someone:

Emotional support and intimacy:

Don’t get me wrong, there are times when life will knock you off balance and you will need someone – like the lady I talked about earlier – in your life to help you go through that tough time. There is nothing bad with having emotional support or connecting with someone deeply. 

• Sharing your joys, sorrows, and vulnerabilities with someone who truly understands and cares can be incredibly validating and comforting.
• Feeling deeply connected to another person can provide a sense of security, belonging, and love.
• Physical intimacy (if desired by both partners) can lower stress hormones, boost well-being, and deepen the emotional bond.

All these add colour to life and can help you (see the need to) go further, and do more good in the world. 

Improved physical health:

Being in a loving relationship offers significant physical health benefits. Research indicates that social connections within romantic partnerships positively influence various health aspects. 

• Social connections within romantic relationships are linked to lower body mass index (BMI), improved blood sugar control, and increased cancer survival rates.
• Cardiovascular health benefits include lower mortality rates and reduced risk of ischemic heart disease in individuals with a spouse or partner.
• The release of oxytocin, known as the “bonding hormone,” in loving relationships has anti-anxiety effects and promotes social attunement.

And so much more.

Personal growth and development:

I have a weakness for ladies who inspire me to be better. I’ve found myself often loving and asking out ladies who are more entrepreneurial than ladies who just look pretty. A healthy relationship challenges you to grow as a person, and it often takes a partner who has a clear vision for the future and is upward-bound to inspire this. In such a relationship, you get to navigate conflicts, celebrate successes together, and support each other’s goals, which fosters individual growth and maturity.

• A supportive partner can nudge you to step outside your comfort zone, challenge your perspectives, and push you to grow as an individual far more than any friend or family member can.
• Navigating conflicts constructively and compromising can teach valuable communication and relationship skills that can be transferred to all other aspects of life.
• Celebrating each other’s successes and offering support during challenges can foster both individual and shared growth, preparing you for a future that you will be proud of.

Of course, this will be hard and there will be times you might end up having issues, but these issues will only force you to grow up. 

Shared experiences and adventures:

One thing that sucks about being single (especially if you’re an introvert) is that you seldom explore the world around you. But, with a partner, there is often an added motivation to go visit a new place, see a movie, go to a tourist site, or travel! Besides, it is really nice when you have someone who you can share that with. 

• Having a partner to explore new hobbies, travel alongside, and create memories with can add a unique dimension to life.
• Sharing laughter, excitement, and new experiences can strengthen the bond and create lasting memories.
• Having someone to support your individual passions and hobbies can enrich your life in new ways.

There are many reasons we take pictures and make videos of ourselves. And, one of those reasons is so we can share with family and friends – so they too can partake in what we are experiencing. Having a partner to actually be there with you is such a huge blessing – having someone living that life with you – both in the good and bad times – is reassuring, to say the least. 

Companionship and shared goals:

Kissing and hugging are great, but one way to really bond with someone is by chasing a common goal with them. I’ve seen myself bonding with not just ladies but guys who share a similar vision with me. Sharing life with someone who deeply understands, supports, and respects you can be incredibly enriching. It can offer emotional intimacy, intellectual stimulation, and a sense of shared purpose.

• Having someone to confide in, share daily life with, and simply enjoy spending time with can combat loneliness and add joy to everyday moments.
• Building a life together and setting shared goals can create a sense of purpose and shared meaning.
• Having someone to celebrate successes with and who offers support during challenges can be incredibly motivating and rewarding.

There are a lot of other good reasons to be in a relationship with someone. However, you do not necessarily have to find all these reasons in one person. Besides, you can get a bit of all these from your other relationships (family and friends).

Remember, the trick is to align your reasons for a relationship with your genuine desires and values. Don’t rush into anything that feels inauthentic or purely driven by external pressures. Focus on building a fulfilling life for yourself, and healthy connections will naturally blossom when the time is right.

7 Bad Reasons To Be In a Relationship with Someone:

If there are good reasons to be in a relationship with someone, there are bad reasons too. While seeking connection and companionship are natural desires, entering a relationship for the wrong reasons can lead to disappointment and unhealthy dynamics. Here are some bad reasons to watch out for

Seeking to escape loneliness or receive validation:

On social media, it is not hard to find people making jest of single people and how lonely they must be. I understand loneliness is a thing, however, there are many healthy ways to tackle it, and jumping into a relationship because of it is not one of them.

• Using a relationship solely to combat loneliness can create codependency and prevent you from building fulfilling social connections and self-compassion.
• Seeking validation and self-worth solely from a partner can create an unhealthy dynamic and set the stage for disappointment or manipulation.
• Going into a relationship as a way to avoid loneliness can rob you of the opportunity to know and develop yourself, find your interests and passions, or even take up meaningful projects.

I think that to a large extent, my creativity and productivity have been a result of me trying to find things to do when I am bored or lonely. And, in a counterintuitive way, being creative and productive has actually made me more interesting and attractive to people who come into my life and expel the loneliness. Don’t get it backwards.

External pressures or expectations:

Ah, the pressure and expectations! Having to explain to your aunties and siblings why you are so cute and smart yet single. I can relate. However, I know better than to get into a relationship before I am ready or just to please people. 

• Feeling pressured by societal expectations, friends, or family to be in a relationship can compromise your authenticity and lead to incompatible partnerships.
• Seeking a relationship to “check a box” or fulfil social expectations can hinder genuine connection and personal growth.
• Diving into a relationship that is not right for you because of external pressure or expectations can also get you tangled with someone who misunderstands and brings you pain and misery.

Trying too hard or enduring too much just to be in a relationship with someone, is mostly a bad idea. Why? Because it only gets worse (plus you also miss the opportunity to be with a better partner)

Material benefits or financial security:

I think this mostly applies to the ladies, but also to men to a lesser degree. You know, life can be hard and sometimes we are pushed to make difficult decisions, but some decisions – especially when they may end up affecting the rest of your life – are to be taken more cautiously. 

• Entering a relationship based on financial advantages or material comfort is rarely sustainable and can breed resentment and manipulation.
• Financial independence and responsible planning are crucial for healthy partnerships, not relying on a partner for stability.
• Depending on someone for financial security can kill your dreams and erode your self-worth.

While there is nothing wrong with getting into a relationship with a rich person, seeing them as your check is already a problematic premise. Perhaps, a little more effort and contentment can help.

Fixing yourself or your partner:

It’s very common for intelligent, kind, rich, and good people to be attracted to the opposite of who they are. While it is tempting to think of it as adding a missing piece to make something whole, it is actually more like adding water to fire. In the end, all that will be left is the smoke of disappointment and resentment.

• No one can “fix” another person. Entering a relationship with the expectation of changing someone or expecting them to fix your problems will likely lead to frustration and disappointment.
• Personal growth and responsibility are individual journeys, and expecting a partner to take on that responsibility is unfair and unsustainable.
• Pitty and respect are not the same thing, and sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is to distance yourself from them. Perhaps, in the depths of their suffering, they can start looking upwards and improving themselves.

Fear of being single or missing out:

Back in my University days, there was a lot of hype about being in a relationship. In every direction you turn, a guy and a lady are smiling and walking together. However, the truth is that there isn’t really much you are missing out on. Having (male & female) friends you laugh with and genuinely enjoy their company is no different (if not better). Perhaps the sex? But is that all you’re after? Most times we chase things until we get them, only to realise we do not really know what we want.

• Entering a relationship based on the fear of being alone or missing out on experiences can lead to settling for unhealthy dynamics and incompatible partners.
• Building a fulfilling life as a single individual will ultimately attract healthier connections when the time is right.
• While there are a couple of upsides to being in a relationship, there are also a couple of downsides to it. So, don’t let the hype fool you.

For instance, even if the sex is great, if the person lacks communication skills, or has some toxic characteristics, being in a relationship with them may be far worse than being single.

Avoiding unresolved emotional baggage:

I once heard someone say something like, “The best way to get over someone is to replace them with someone else”. On the surface it seems to make sense – yes, you will now have someone else to think about. But, the issue is that the wounds do not just vanish because you ignore them. The trust issues, anger, fear, and trauma still lingers. This is also true for all other forms of emotional baggage you might be carrying.

• Entering a relationship to avoid dealing with personal issues, past trauma, or emotional baggage can create unhealthy attachments and hinder genuine connection.
• Taking time to heal and address personal challenges independently is crucial before entering a new partnership.
• Unresolved issues often manifest themselves in subtle ways, but can ultimately poison the new relationship and bring about more issues in the long run.

It is often better to take your time to feel your emotions, understand what happened/went wrong in the past, and heal from the past hurt before moving on. 

Seeking to dominate, manipulate or control someone:

This is a bit tricky, but there is a serious difference between wanting to be the best version of yourself so you can be able to provide for whoever you finally end up with, and trying to be very rich and powerful so you can get any girl (or number of girls) you want. Whilst the other focuses on being a blessing to the other person, the other suggests a sort of effort to be able to gratify themselves.

• If you’re seeking a relationship to control or manipulate someone, this is a clear sign of unhealthy and potentially abusive tendencies, which can stem from unhealthy childhood experiences, insecurity, or personality disorder
• This behaviour is neither normal nor healthy (and can stem from Unhealthy interpretations of masculinity or femininity)
• Desiring to control or dominate is often a turn-off to high-value individuals who can actually be of greater service if respected and left to act willingly.

Forget filling voids, seek genuine connections. Be honest, don’t compromise. Build your own life and, love will follow.

Conclusion: Love Wisely

I still remember the tension in the air when she asked me, “Do you think I married my husband just because of Love?”. Then she went on to explain how she had known other guys whom she felt a strong attraction to but saw their red flags and shut down those feelings.

Love is not enough. Feelings are fickle and can change as the story unfolds.

Here’s the thing: it’s not just feelings vs. reason. It’s not about finding the perfect, unchanging person. Rather, it’s about finding someone who lights you up and shares your values. It’s about finding someone who grows with you and sticks around as you navigate life.

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