What It Means To Grow Up12 min read

“Grow Up” is part of our everyday language, though often thrown around by people who are displeased by the behaviour of another. But what does it mean to grow up? 

The question almost sounds silly. Everyone already knows growth is simply an increase in size, complexity, or overall maturity. And, everyone expects it to be synonymous with the increase in age. 

However, many people, all through their lives, don’t feel like they’ve truly grown up; rather, they are in constant doubt, confused, and sometimes overwhelmed by life’s complexities and demands. And, that is because the growth of an individual is not always correlated with or caused by their age.

Hmm…

Well, in this piece, we are going to attempt to demystify what it means to grow up; and hopefully, it helps you start your journey.

Are You Grown-Up Yet?

Just as a child driving on the highway is dangerous, when people who are not yet grown up are tasked with adult responsibilities, it often leads to disaster. From failed relationships to financial ruin, the consequences of not fully understanding what growth is and how to go about it can be dire.

Of course, what it means to grow up can be largely subjective, multifaceted, and often dependent on the values of the individuals as well as context.

For a certain person, in a certain circumstance, growing up could be moving away from home to live alone. For another, it might be being able to pray for longer hours. 

In the Bible, Paul the Apostle was particularly frustrated by the Christians in Corinth, because despite his years of teaching, they seem not to be growing up. He called them “Babies”, and urged them to grow up (1 Corinthians 3:2-6). To Paul, growing up meant progressing from needing “milk” (elementary teachings) to being able to digest “solid food” (more advanced spiritual truths).

Traditionally, grown-up men are expected to become breadwinners, while grown-up women are expected to become caregivers, amongst other family expectations.

But, even more perplexing, there are instances where what one person considers growth can be considered degeneration by another. For instance, while amassing great wealth can be seen as growth to some people, giving away immense wealth to charitable causes can be seen as growth to another.

Surely, there are aspects of your life where you’ve seen improvement, and there are prolly aspects of your life that you’ve seen decline. Say, you now read and write better, but also now suck more at making friends and trusting people.

Hmmm…

About this issue of growth, many people and cultures have something to say. Let’s explore some.

Perspectives on Growing Up

There are many brilliant, helpful, and even pragmatic definitions of what growing up means. For instance, Jordan Peterson argues that growing up is about being able to value something other than (and perhaps more than) oneself. He argues that people don’t truly grow up until they get married and have kids. 

Why? 

Well, he believes that this often forces them to see their partner as equally important and their kids as more important than themselves. To him, a lot of what entails growing up is the ability to make greater, better sacrifices.

Generally speaking, many people agree that growing up is about accepting responsibilities, making and owning up to decisions, as well as being able to handle the ups and downs that come in life gracefully.

However, what it means to grow up still varies significantly across cultures. For instance, in many Eastern cultures, growing up might be more closely tied to fulfilling familial duties. While in some Indigenous cultures, rites of passage mark the transition to adulthood – here, growth is about how connected one is to community and nature rather than individual achievements.

But, perhaps, growth is not a milestone or destination. Perhaps, growth is an aggregation of all the aspects you’ve grown in, and how important they are to you. 

Like a tree that grows deeper roots and higher branches, increasing in width as well as complexities, growth may not just be one thing, but rather a constantly evolving mode of being.

What does that mean?

Consider this: A 5-year-old acting like a 2-year-old is not grown up. A 15-year-old acting like a 5-year-old is not grown up. A 30-year-old acting like a 15-year-old is not grown up. A 50-year-old acting like a 30-year-old is not grown up. A 90-year-old acting like a 50-year-old is not grown up.

In other words, more is demanded, the bar goes up, and one needs to be in step with, or above the status quo to be considered grown-up at any point in time.

Perhaps, it is the reason there is always that urge (or perhaps someone or a system) nudging us to grow up despite how much growth we’ve already had.

Hence, the constant tension, self-doubt, and drive.

Rethinking What It Means To Grow Up

Despite the complexities, we all have a sense of what growing up looks like across different stages of life.

For a teenager, growing up might mean taking their academics seriously rather than playing video games or aimlessly scrolling on social media. For a young adult, it might mean picking a career path and getting into a serious relationship rather than always partying or increasing body counts. And, perhaps, for an adult, it would mean raising kids and taking care of aged parents rather than… well, being promiscuous or arguing over insignificant differences they have with their parents or partners.

In recent years, the term “adulting” has gained popularity, often used humorously to describe doing the mundane tasks often associated with adult life. Many young adults find these responsibilities daunting, complaining they’re too numerous, boring, or stressful. They simply don’t want to do it.

But, does that make them kids?

Interestingly, these traditional markers of adulthood are being delayed, redefined, or even circumvented in modern times. Many young adults remain financially dependent on their parents longer, postpone marriage or parenthood, and sometimes avoid traditional jobs because of their rigid structures and time commitments, to do work more aligned with their passions (i.e. work that feels like play to them).

Nevertheless, these young adults have grown in ways many of their parents never did. From higher academic achievement, building personal brands, cultivating higher emotional intelligence, to simply impacting more lives through their chosen career paths.

While all these external statuses or achievements can be ambiguous markers of growth, all forms of fulfilling growth are often personally meaningful and inspirational to the next generation. 

In the book “The Denial of Death,” Ernest Becker introduces the concept of an “immortality project” – which is essentially something we invest significant time and energy into because we want it to outlast us. It’s similar to how a tree nourishes and lets go of its fruit, to ensure new trees take root and also grow while it may have died.

Indeed, we engage in this process repeatedly as we outgrow each life stage: The knowledge gained in school outlasts our time there. We hope our children will outlive us. And, we aspire for our legacy to outshine our own achievements.

Yet, there is something at the core of it all…

Character: The Core of Growing Up

Think about it. We part ways with our hair regularly. People do lose their legs and arms and are still okay. With life support, one can technically be alive without a torso. And, even losing one’s memories doesn’t erase who they are. Technically speaking, you can be transferred to another body. So, who are you? 

What is that aspect of you that truly experiences growth?

One word comes to mind: “Character” – an embodiment of values, beliefs, behaviours, etc. that makes you who you uniquely are as an individual. 

And, it is the evolution of this character that drives what is on a fundamental level considered growth. 

In simple terms, growing up means improving your character. It’s why we might look at a teenager and say they’re acting mature beyond their years, or conversely, why we might describe an adult as childish.

But there’s more to it than just personal development. Just as physical growth is geared towards transmitting genes, the development of our character often serves to transmit values.

This transmission isn’t always a conscious choice. Like the passing on of genetic material, it’s a process we’re internally and unconsciously driven to pursue. It’s as if our very nature compels us to grow and share the essence of who we are.

Consider this: if our character lives on through those who adopt our values aren’t we, in a sense, reincarnating? Perhaps we are the reincarnation of others. And, our lives and the things we do are truly larger than ourselves.

Why Growing Up Can Be Hard

Growing up – improving our character – can be incredibly challenging. Our characters are often a mixture of contradictory traits, so growth also involves “unlearning” unhelpful behaviours and beliefs. Moreover, experiences like trauma and adversity can sometimes stunt or even reverse growth.

To truly grow up, we might have to challenge ingrained prejudices, admit we were wrong about certain things, and perhaps let go of harmful coping mechanisms. In this sense, growth isn’t always about accumulating knowledge or experiences, but sometimes about chipping away layers to reveal a better, more refined self.

This process can be painful and slow. Many people lack the self-awareness necessary to embark on this journey, consequently remaining childlike in character throughout their lives.

For me, it took months of isolation to realise how little I had grown in character. The boredom and lack of distraction forced me to see the childish character inside of me, trapped in a growing body.

At that time, I struggled to express my feelings, felt awfully inferior, lacked social and marketable skills, internalised a lot of anger, and was often afraid or willfully blind to what the future might hold. I relied on my parents for every need, blamed girls for not wanting to date me, and even blamed God for making me this way. It was all childish and, in retrospect, pathetic.

But after about six months of sitting with my boredom, reading dozens of self-help books, journaling, meditating, and actually practising what I learned, I began to heal from my religious trauma, undo some of my childhood conditioning, become more attuned to my emotions, discover my passions, and develop essential social and marketable skills.

I started to feel like I had better control over my life and became more hopeful about the future. Others sensed this change too. People, both male and female, became more open to friendships, and some even started coming to me for advice. I knew then that I had grown significantly.

Since that transformative period, I’ve made “growing up” a part of my personal mantra.

I am not looking to become perfect. That is impossible. I am only looking to be less childish, less terrible. Growing up is a life-long adventure that I happily embrace. 

Conclusion: Cultivating Our Character Is Our Legacy to Humanity

In an interview, Kanye West was asked about his hoped-for legacy. His response was surprisingly humble: “To be forgotten.” When pressed, he elaborated, “There is ego in memory. Who designed the sidewalk? Who designed the water fountain? Who designed the stop sign? These things are so ubiquitous that the person who designed them is forgotten. If it’s a good idea, it’s a God idea.”

This perspective is profound in its simplicity and depth. If growing up is about improving our character, and leaving behind something that outlasts us is a marker of maturity, then perhaps the ultimate goal of growth is birthing others who embody our values in such a way that it is no longer associated with us.

Consider the enduring values we cherish: kindness, meekness, bravery, honesty, hard work. These qualities have been part of humanity for centuries, passed down through generations. In a sense, our ancestors still live and find expression through us as we embody these timeless values.

We often hear about how plants and animals evolve, adapting to better survive in their environments. But have you ever considered that our increasing civility and moral development as humans might also be a form of species-wide growth?

We homo sapiens haven’t just evolved in physical attributes but in character as well. Perhaps, improving that character – to be less unconscious and beastly in our behaviours unlike other animals – constitutes what true growth entails for us, and indeed humanity.

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Did you enjoy this piece? Please drop your thoughts and questions in the comments section. 

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