When the Struggles Come: What To Do When Life Doesn’t Go as Planned In Your 20s6 min read

I graduated from secondary school at age 15. I had my first girlfriend that same year. But it ended when she moved to another state. My mother and siblings left soon after. I stayed behind to rewrite WAEC. Then my father left too.

Suddenly, I was alone.

Those days felt like walking through a fog with every step uncertain and every day utterly quiet.

Now I’m almost 30 years old. And somehow, it feels like I’m 15 again.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s all some cosmic joke, if perhaps my stars are misaligned. It is hard not to think this way, especially when the crisis becomes a pattern.

By the start of 2025, I had hoped to own a camera, set up a home studio, and start photography projects. Maybe even launch a podcast. I saw it clearly in my mind: a steady income, peace of mind, the freedom to create. And a girlfriend, maybe, to share it all with.

Most of them didn’t happen. And the few that did, didn’t go the way I hoped.

Most of my money went to medical bills. I left my apartment after the landlord displayed so many dishonest attributes. I had to move back to my parents’. Even the gigs dried up, leaving my WhatsApp inbox a chamber of silence for months.

I’ve been tired in ways pep talks alone can’t fix.

And perhaps, you are as well.

The Silent Struggles of Your 20s 

A friend named Ada (not their real name) turned 30 this April. She said she felt unprepared. She was still broke. Still single. Still, in her words, “ugly”. She isn’t ugly, I can debate that. 

But I can relate. Most of the time, it seems our birthdays hold up a mirror that reveals not just what is, but what might be missing.

Another friend named Ugo (not their real name) has been building something from scratch. He thought he’d be stable by now, maybe starting a family. But nothing has landed. It’s like life keeps telling him, “wait,” without saying for how long.

A childhood friend named Kennedy (not their real name) contemplated taking their life at 28. He didn’t explain much, but I heard more from his long silence over the phone. 

Maybe your story isn’t about isolation, sickness, loneliness, penury, or suicide. Maybe for you, it’s abuse, societal unrest, or that gnawing fear that you’re running out of time.

As children, people told us our 20s would be our prime: full of beauty, clarity, and everything falling into place. Some even advised us against overindulging – enjoying it so much that we make mistakes. But for many of us, our 20s seem to be the most confusing and painful time of our lives. 

Job stresses us out of our minds, yet we are constantly broke. We love and care, yet we are betrayed and single. We learn skills and come up with ideas, but nothing clicks. We doubt everything. We question ourselves. We wonder if success and happiness are actually meant for us. We thought we’d have it all figured out by now. But many of us are stuck between who we are and who we hoped to be.

And who do we blame?

Is it bad luck? Is it a lack of knowledge? Or is it something else?

We blame Society for the pressure to achieve certain things at a certain age, the government for making basics feel like luxuries, the school system for never teaching us how to live, and religion for promising us miracles we still haven’t seen.

Maybe they are all to blame. Maybe none of them is to be blamed.

Either way, one thing’s clear: Life, for many of us, is messy and didn’t go as planned in our 20s. 

Coping When Life Doesn’t Go as Planned In Your 20s

On May 1st, I hit a wall.

I couldn’t pretend anymore. I couldn’t keep bottling it up. So I sent voice notes to two friends. Not for advice. Good lord, I’d had enough of “God is in control” and “keep grinding.”

I don’t have a thing against religion or hard work. I am not bitter. 

But I am old enough now to tell that those phrases – in their many forms – often sweep real pain under a spiritual or motivational rug.

My friends knew better, too. 

“Life is hard,” David said. “And Nigeria is harder.”

He reminded me. Crying isn’t a weakness. Breaking down under pressure isn’t failure. Especially when you’re building something meaningful that’s tied to your purpose or a future version of yourself (dream).

David went on to say, “Maybe, a good life is about struggling upwards.”

When life goes south, what we need are people – family, friends, lovers, colleagues, community, anyone – who truly care.

It’s not more advice we need. Not another strategy or hack. We just need someone to remind us: getting through hard times doesn’t take brilliance or perfection. It takes enduring the struggle till it passes.

The people who survive the worst things aren’t always the strongest. Rather, it is the ones who can bend without losing sight. Break without letting go. Cry without losing faith. Scream without setting themselves on fire. It is the ones who refuse to disappear. The ones that hold their ground when everything crumbles. The ones that can rebuild. The ones who, despite the troubles of day and tears of night, still do the small things:

• Eat right
• Sleep well
• Move their bodies
• Keep their space clean
• Keep working on their dreams.
• Refuse to abuse substances to numb the pain
• Prioritise their well-being over pleasure and thrills

The people who keep putting one foot in front of the other. Resting when they are tired, instead of quitting.

Conclusion: Focus On The Light

You’re not crazy for being tired.

You’re not stupid for feeling confused.

You’re not silly for feeling behind.

The truth is, not every action gives you the result you hoped for. Not every effort leads to a big win. What matters is that you showed up. You did what you could. You chose what felt right.

And, maybe, it is time to remind yourself of the things that are still there.

You still have your youth: The free time after work. The moments you’re eating. The nights you rest on your bed. The times you hang out with friends. These are the things that are truly invaluable. And, perhaps, the most heartbreaking thing is failing to enjoy these things while worrying about the future.

Remember, the mind easily focuses on the negatives. So, maybe, be more intentional in finding the good, seizing the opportunities, and enjoying the present. 

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