The Courage to Be Wrong: Why Authentic Self-Expression Is Your Path to Freedom and Growth14 min read

I grew up obsessing about being right, good, or saintly because I was trained to dread being wrong, bad, or sinful.

The former attracted accolades and rewards, while the latter brought rebuke and punishment. For example, my parents punished me for fighting, insulting an elder, or disobeying an instruction. School teachers punished me for giving the wrong answers, being late to school, or not dressing correctly. And I believed God got angry and punished me for sinning.

Even after outgrowing and overcoming the fear of punishments from my parents, school teachers, and even God, I realised that the fear of appearing ignorant, imperfect, or making mistakes in life still hamstrung me.

In this blog post, I will share the consequences of these fears and some ideas that helped me overcome (or reduce) them so I could live more freely and grow faster.

How Fear and Inauthenticity Limit You

Fear causes us to hide, pretend, or not act in our power — not to do what we are passionate about and to the best of our abilities.

I still remember being so scared to talk to my first crush at the University. She was bright, beautiful, and busty. She was my fantasy. But I never had the guts to say anything to her. I was afraid it would change how she saw me – I was afraid expressing myself would lead to the worst aftermath. From getting rejected to being insulted, I couldn’t get my mind to stop imagining the worst scenarios.

The same fear kept me from doing things like chatting in WhatsApp groups with many members, dancing in front of people, or posting videos on social media, amongst so many other things. I was trapped in a self-imposed prison of perfectionism, afraid to show any cracks in my carefully constructed image, trying to maintain a flawless facade.

I was always stuck in my head, running a thousand iterations of what others might think of me in their own heads. 

But, all this while I was just an actor, a masked character at best, but in reality a phoney.

And, it wasn’t until a friend recommended the book, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” by Mark Manson, that the futility of the charade was revealed and the walls of that fake perfect self began to crack.

The book showed me, in a rather rude and blatant way, how much of a self-absorbed narcissist I was for living that way. It showed me how caring about what everyone thought and then embellishing myself to be loved or admired was no way to live. It made me understand that authenticity was far more admirable than fake perfection—that vulnerability is in fact, what makes people truly care (at least, the right people).

I was so pumped up with the ideas in the book that I went straight to launch a blog where I started expressing myself – yelling at the world what I thought, felt, and did (with texts). Soon, I started attracting a ton of online friends who actually loved the imperfect me.

And, even though I would love to tell you that I went back, asked out my crush and she accepted me, the truth was that she didn’t. In fact, I would ask out so many more crushes over the years and would keep getting rejected. 

But, all these were good. The rejections, as they say, were redirections. It was better they rejected the real me than for me to keep on putting up a fake performance, secretly wishing things were different. Heck, I started living in that difference.

And, guess what? None of the ladies ever disgraced me. In fact, I am still very good friends with many of them, even if we never dated.

I came to learn that showing up imperfect and even being wrong is okay. Yes, even making mistakes or doing something wrong is fine, as long as it doesn’t pose a risk of ruin and you learn from your mistakes.

Maybe It’s Just Your Environment

I still remember feeling bad for charging 6,000 naira for an artwork. I felt like I was overcharging and that it was not worth it. Yet, the last artwork I did I charged 10 times more, and the smile on their face was priceless.

What changed?

Well, I came to realise that I matter. My work and efforts are worth it. My life didn’t have to revolve around what others thought or approved.

My art didn’t have to be perfect. It just needed to be good, accepted, and appreciated by the people for whom I do it. And, I can always market my art – no matter how imperfect – to those who think it is good, acceptable, and appreciates it.

In fact, most of what we consider right or wrong, good or bad, valuable or worthless is all subjective – based on what we or others think.

Seriously.

I have had clients who sounded like I was reaping them off for charging less than I felt okay with. I have also been in situations where, despite raising my prices to what I considered high enough, clients out of their own magnanimity paid even more because they believed what I did was worth much more to them.

Things like this raise my vibration and make me care less about the opinion of the mockers and naysayers.

But there’s a catch.

Use Feedback to Develop Your Authentic Self

You can’t just go about life doing as you please. Well, you can, but that would just make you a narcissist or proud fool.

You need to take feedback. But you can’t get accurate feedback if you are faking it.

So, what do you do?

You learn to see yourself as an ever-evolving being – look at yourself with the tenderness one looks at a kid being silly, but still be firm in your correction.

For example, I got rejected by many ladies back then for legit reasons. Indeed, I was koboless, didn’t dress well, and was generally inexperienced. And, professionally speaking, I was getting paid very little for my artwork because it wasn’t that good.

These didn’t make me hate myself.

Rather, I took those rejections and small pay – which were a far cry from getting humiliated or doing free work – as an opportunity to learn, develop, and improve myself.

As I got better in all ramifications, it was only natural that I started getting more yeses and higher pay.

In other words, putting your imperfect authentic self into the world invites the necessary feedback that helps you build a less imperfect authentic self. 

The paradox is this: because being wrong publicly sucks, you become right faster by being wrong publicly. The more ways you appear imperfect in public, the more ways you can someday become less imperfect.

“Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.” – Samuel Butler

But, here is the tricky part. You must seek the feedback while avoiding the trap of falling (back) into that cycle of dreading and bending to external dictates (just like I did with my parents, teachers, and God). 

How do you do this?

Find Your True Self: Trust Your Judgment Each Step of The Way

I stumbled upon a Twitter thread by Tim Denning, where he was dissecting Rick Rubin’s philosophy.

Reading the thread, I learned that Rick is a Grammy Award-winning music producer and record executive who has worked with Jay-Z, Kanye West, and Lady Gaga. He claims he doesn’t know anything about making music, despite being rumored to have made over $300M from the industry.

His superpower is simply being able to tell when something, in his case, music, is good enough.

He has great taste and the confidence to call it. So, musicians come to him to help them decide when their work – which they had put in the time and effort into – was good enough.

So, once he nods in affirmation, the musician goes on to put out the work without further fear of what critics or haters might say about it.

They outsourced their confidence to this guy.

But not so many of us have the money to pay Rick. So what do we do instead? 

***

If you’ve seen clips of ultra-famous rap artists being interviewed, you will notice that many of their responses often come off as either badass or overly arrogant.

For example, in a clip, Kanye said that most people live life like it was a test, worrying about right and wrong. But he is not trying to “say the right answer”, he is “just doing what [he] feels”. So he embraces life as it is, because life is no test, and you get only anxiety treating it like one.

In another interview, a lady complained to A$AP Rocky that although she loves his type of music, she feels it isolates women by being crude about them. In response, he pointed out that he also does the same to men by saying things like “I don’t Fuck with you Niggas”, and that he only speaks about his experiences, stating “at the end of the day, I am not here to talk about the difference between bitches and women” . And when the lady inquired if he thought her a bitch or a woman, he simply replied, “I don’t know you well enough to tell”.

Yet in another interview, when Lil’ Wayne was asked about the impact of his music on young people who listen to him, he said, “I am not an example for people on how to live thier lives, and never in my life would I ever set out to be an example for people on how to live their lives. If you need an example on how to live, then you just shouldn’t have been born. Straight up.”

What do all these have in common? They all embody authentic self-expression—the radical alignment of their external expression with their internal reality. They all didn’t care so much about the opinions of others. They all talked about their experiences. They all used “I”.

Whether they smoke, drink, sleep with prostitutes, or even commit murder, they do not care. Heck, they would even sing about it.

Does this mean their actions are right? Far from it. But one thing is clear: it is authentic to who they are, and that is exactly why they have millions of fans across continents. 

Because, whether it is right or wrong, there are several millions of people who resonate and live life like they do.

It is the reason someone like Naira Marley blew up in Nigeria singing about masturbation, internet fraud, and even cultism. You and I may not like it, but it seems to be what many Nigerian youths vibe to.

If these celebrities can live in alignment with all their maladaptive and downright harmful ways, why can’t you be in alignment with your own opinions that are likely far less problematic?

The fact is that you still say and do things that are wrong and stupid. And perhaps being authentic might just give you the feedback you need to improve.

I have found that being open about my stance on different issues has helped me update them to more helpful versions. For example, being vocal about my issues with religion has helped me encounter more feedback about it to the point that I now have a better understanding of the topic.

This has also been true concerning other subjects. Believe it or not, there was a time I thought I couldn’t attract ladies because I didn’t have money, working a job was foolish, going to school was a scam, and there was no point in leaving the country/Nigeria. I now have a more nuanced view on all these – a sort of dialectic.

There is nothing wrong with being wrong. And there is nothing shameful in changing your stance. You can even make decisions and repent of them. 

The real disaster lies in pretending to be something you’re not, in hiding behind a facade of perfection, being swayed here and there by the fickle opinions of the masses that are often as poor as yours, or worse, never changing your mind.

I have come to realise that being right often involves finding out the ways you’re wrong. And though it sucks, that often means risking expressing your ignorant, wrong, or downright bad ideas. And then, be humble and patient enough to consider, critically think, and evaluate the feedback you get.

“The goal is always to get closer to your true self” — Rick Rubin.

Growth Is More Important Than Perfection

When Eminem dropped his album, “The Death of Slim Shady”, a lot of the comments (that I saw on YouTube Music) were by fans who were super grateful to Eminem for taking them on a journey of growth via his discography.

Many of them who vibed with his music when he was still addicted to drugs drew strength in seeing how he sought help and overcame the addiction. And now, are inspired by how he is being a responsible, caring father and grandfather.

His journey, shared publicly, helped millions of people. He publicly shared his story and perspectives from where he was wrong and being a fool to the point where he grew up, leveled up, and stepped up.

“It creeps me out sometimes to think of the person I was. I was a terrible person. I was mean to people.” – Eminem

And even though there were times he was very wrong about certain things and even defended them, he has now been able to, with more wisdom and skill, dissect them as flawed. And, what else can save a foolhardy teen than seeing someone who was worse than them – who had done and seen it all – come back with wisdom to rip apart their ill-informed ideologies?

“Yeah, it’s been a ride. I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one. Now, some of you might still be in that place. If you’re trying to get out, just follow me, I’ll get you there.” – Eminem

This is the power of authentic self-expression—it not only liberates you but can inspire others to grow vicariously through your experience.

Conclusion: Stand in the Light and embrace your metamorphosis

The point is: the worst prison is not external but self-imposed.

Perhaps you do save face by hiding behind a mask. But what do you lose as a result? 

How much of life do you miss out on by prioritising the appearance of perfection over the messy reality of authentic living? 

How much of yourself do you bury or watch atrophy behind the walls of your carefully constructed fake image?

“If I told you that a flower bloomed in a dark room, would you trust it?” – Kendrick Lamar

Like a flower, you can’t bloom in darkness. You must let yourself be seen to grow.

If you want to be right, you must not fear being wrong.

Be yourself, whether right or wrong.

And, hopefully, from there, transformation can come. Just like a butterfly starts out as a caterpillar, embrace your metamorphosis.

Don’t hate yourself for having enjoyed eating the bitter leaves. They were critical for your transformation. Rather, be grateful that you can now sip the sweet nectar.

“Although the butterfly and the caterpillar are completely different, they are one and the same” — Kendrick Lamar 

***

Did you enjoy reading this, or have questions? Please let us know in the comments section: 

1. Are You A People Pleaser? [+ How To Stop Being Too Nice In 3 Simple Steps]
2. How To 100% Be Yourself
3. Gain Confidence In Yourself With These 10 Tips
4. The Habit of Humility: How To Be Humble Without Selling Yourself Short
5. Self-Forgiveness: How to Heal and Move On From Your Mistakes