The Alignment Conundrum: Why Personal Growth Can Feel Like a Lonely Purgatory.8 min read

We often begin our personal development journeys because we feel we need more or lack something. Often, it is the pain of where and how we are that drives us to seek growth.

But what many of us fail to realise is that personal development is not the same as acquiring more, or even success.

In fact, personal development often requires us to shelve and jettison many things we hold or once considered success.

Personal development is about alignment. And if you get it wrong, you could get stuck in an awkward, lonely place.

Why Personal Growth Might Feel Lonely

I saw a reel of a lady, sort of mourning the fact that she’d been having little to no sex since she started focusing on her personal development. Her growth had required her to cut off a lot of the “toxic” guys she used to sleep with.

Now, sure, there are a bunch of “okay” guys she could have sex with—but I suspect she was fixated on getting a great guy. And some people, even when the great guys do show up, freeze and talk themselves out of it. They self-reject.

That mindset creates a gap—a lonely, in-between space.

To make it clearer, consider these scenarios:

You quit smoking or drinking and now want to live healthily. But you find yourself surrounded by people who simply don’t smoke or drink. And when those fitness nerds—the ones serious about their nutrition, workouts, and recovery—show up, you start feeling awkward, like you don’t quite belong with them either.

Or you leave a toxic cult or religious group/belief, and wish more people were liberated. But you find yourself among people who are simply unaffiliated. And when those who are actively anti-cult or deeply committed to making real change in the world show up, you hesitate to connect.

Or maybe you stop partying, stop wasting time gambling or chasing thrills, and feel the need to make the most of your life. But you find yourself now surrounded by people who play it safe and work regular jobs. Then one day, you meet the dream-chasers, the empire-builders—and suddenly, you feel like they’re out of your league.

And on and on.

In simple terms, personal development can feel lonely because it pulls you away from the familiar, only to present you with something that feels strange and sometimes scary. It’s a deeply unsettling place to be. To put it bluntly, it can feel like purgatory. You may even start to wonder if something is wrong with you as you stay starved of both the past and the possible future.

But things don’t have to be like this: You don’t have to stay stuck in that gap. In fact, there is no gap.

How I Escaped the Personal Development Purgatory

When I started my personal development journey, I lost interest in religion, my course of study, and even friends and crushes I had back then. It felt like I had wasted my life up to that point. But what was more disturbing was that I didn’t know how to live the rest of my life.

I had vague ideas of the sort of things I would wish to do, the sort of people I would love to interact with, as well as the causes I would love to promote. But, truth be told, I felt incapable of doing those things, I felt unworthy of those people, and I felt I had not even lived up to the causes I wish to push.

But then I found a different perspective that didn’t necessarily change everything, but got me moving in the right direction instead of staying stuck.

The idea was this: Rather than obsessing about who is toxic or great, what is healthy or unhealthy, or what is good or bad, realise that everything exists in a continuum, and what matters most is the direction.

For instance, the first day I went to the gym to do some workout, I found a lot of guys who were well-built as well as those who were still building. And despite not really having any significant muscle mass myself, and they all not being in the same level, I found that they all accepted each other including me as a bro, giving and receiving free tips and advice on how to do it right and see results.

Of course, there might be those in the gym who might not want to speak to newbies like me. That is fine. The point is that, once you learn to look out for those who share the same trajectory as you, you will find that you are not in fact lonely in that space.

If there are no health and fitness gurus around, you can still associate with those who wish to be healthy, even if they are still struggling to quit the habit.

If there is no one changing the world around you, you can still associate with those who are questioning the status quo, even if they still struggle to be different.

If you can’t find those who are already living their dreams and building empires, you can associate with those tired of escapism or the mundane life they are leading, and are looking to chase their dreams.

And so on.

This is far different from settling. Rather, it is about understanding that growth is a lifelong journey, and those who are on the right track, no matter their current position, are still on the right track.

You don’t need to “arrive” before you belong

You must learn to stop rejecting yourself. The fact that you decided to start going to the gym today doesn’t mean you can’t have a well-chiselled person be your friend, or lover on day one. You don’t have to feel unworthy so that you avoid or push people, things or opportunities away. You have nothing to prove.

“You Have Nothing to Prove”: What Living In Alignment Feels Like

“There is nothing to prove.” – As simple as it sounds, it seems to be one of the hardest things for our minds to fully accept in terms of our growth.

I have had people who love my art back when it was nothing but an embarrassing scribble on a cheap piece of paper. They didn’t need me to prove that I could draw like Da Vinci; they just loved that I can draw. And since improvement is lifelong, they simply loved my art more as the years progressed. This is the same for those who love my writing or any aspect of myself.

Gain or success is only a consequence of being more of yourself; and sometimes, being more of yourself might require you “failing” or letting go of things you once cherished.

Ultimately, you know you have found alignment when you feel at peace with who you are and are quietly driven to become even more of yourself.

This is when:

You feel grateful and delighted simply having a healthy breakfast.

You feel invigorated and thrilled simply sharing your meaningful ideas.

You feel fulfilled and happy simply working on your important projects.

And so on.

This doesn’t mean you won’t feel stressed, scared, or sad sometimes. It just means that you stop forcing things and rather learn to nourish only the things that align with who you’re becoming.

Conclusion: Alignment Is More Important Than Success

Achieving alignment is less talked about than achieving success. Nevertheless, I think it is far more important, not just because it plays to your strengths, but because whatever success it breeds is much more fulfilling and sustainable.

What many people don’t realise is that if you are not in alignment, you could be winning in the eyes of everyone else, heck, even checking off your bucket list, and still feel deeply unfulfilled, empty, and even sad.

You could even push others to achieve goals, win awards, and succeed only for them to despise you for it. From the young man who made his mom proud by studying Law, to the young lady who fulfilled her father’s wishes of marrying the prince, it is all still the same. Perhaps this should be the topic for another piece.

But for now, I leave you with this quote by Alan Watts:

“‘Kindly let me help you or you’ll drown,’ said the monkey… putting the fish… safely up a tree.”

***

Did you find this insightful? Please leave a comment and share with friends and family.

Here are some other content you might like:

1. How To 100% Be Yourself
2. Why You Haven’t Gotten What You Want:
3. Reframing Your Flaws: How Embracing Your Difference Can Make You Extraordinary
4. [What If] You Unconsciously Hate Success?
5. What It Means To Step Up: Living Life To The Fullest