The Art of Sharing Sensitive Stories: Talking About Hard Topics Without Hurting Anyone14 min read

When someone tells you something personal there is an unspoken expectation for you to keep it private. But, more than that, there is an internal tendency to resist mentioning anything related to the topic especially if the person is around, so that you might as well avoid such topics altogether. 

Well, you run into a problem when a lot of people share a lot of things with you: you become unable to speak about anything important, deep, or meaningful because most of the time, those important, deep, and meaningful things are what gets shared behind closed doors.

Let me explain: I have friends who have told me how they

• got raped. 
• lost a loved one.
• grew up without a father. 
• had an extra year in school.
• suffer from a serious illness.
• accidentally got pregnant.

I could go on and on.

But guess what, none of those stories above is me telling you what one friend told me. For each, there have been at least two friends who experienced it.

The point is if I keep avoiding talking about topics altogether simply because a friend had shared a related, sensitive, or difficult personal story with me, then I will never get to talk about important, deep, and meaningful things. So, fuck that.

“The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say.” – Anaïs Nin

Why You Shouldn’t Feel Guilty or Conflicted Speaking Hard Truths (Even if You Know Someone With The Experience)

You see, every word we speak is laden with meaning. It is the stories of people captured in syllables. It’s events that have happened over and over again. And the experiences of my friends, no matter how unique they might seem (to them or even me), are ubiquitous to humanity. This is also true for my experiences, your experiences, or the experiences of anyone really…

The other night I woke up from a dream only to realise I was still in a dream. I felt trapped. I screamed and struggled but felt stuck. I was afraid I was stuck in dreamland forever because I was fully aware I was dreaming –  it was vivid – yet I couldn’t wake up. After what felt like half an hour, I managed to break through to reality. When I googled what had just happened, one word summarised it, “False Awakening”. There are literally thousands of blogs discussing it at length.

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Similarly, to say the word “excruciating” is not just a reference to the pain Jesus Christ endured when battered and nailed to a cross, but the pain thousands of people (both guilty and innocent) have felt or might feel when being battered and nailed to a cross. Every word conjures up the universe.

Divorce, jackpot, cancer, beauty, or any other topic does not belong to any one person. And if you have a large network, you probably know more than one person who lives or has lived through one or more of those.

The point is: it is not possible to write impactful content or speak helpful truths without drawing from those sensitive, often hidden thoughts, events, and experiences. It is exploring the nuances of those experiences that help people understand and hopefully heal from or improve on them.

But this doesn’t mean privacy has to be compromised.

As much as I like to be nuanced, I try to remain respectful of everyone who has had such experiences. And, unless it is a good experience (or I have permission), I often don’t refer to any specific individual.

In fact, what I have learned is that even if there was a topic which no one I knew personally had shared with me, there are chances that they might be experiencing it secretly, and that there are definitely countless people out there for whom that is their living experience. As such, I always try to be respectful and compassionate in my writing. 

But sometimes, compassion might also mean calling them out – even if my friends fall within the umbrella. For example, if I say “Drunk driving is reckless and irresponsible”, I am not referring to that one friend who did that, but every human who is alive, and would be.

In simple terms, my approach to writing has been: “Fuck all my friends, I love you all” – which essentially means: “I respect you individually, but I also need to speak about larger truths.”

Why We Must Talk About Sensitive Topics

As I have highlighted, when we speak, we yank at people’s personal experiences; and it is easy to forget this. However, keeping in mind that this could also be the experience of someone you know can help you be more sensitive.

For instance, prior to having a friend who worked as a customer care representative and had to deal with hundreds of angry customers who harassed, insulted, and cursed her over the phone, I was not as sensitive to the topic of “You need to call and give the company a piece of your mind”. But because I have spoken with this friend and heard them express the pain of enduring such abuse all day while getting paid little, I know better than to speak rudely to a customer care representative or to even endorse the act.

Now, imagine how much more talking about topics like abortion, infertility, racism, war experiences, domestic violence, suicide attempts, child abuse, and so on could better improve our decisions and attitudes.

“It’s the storyteller who makes us what we are, who creates history. The storyteller creates the memory that the survivors must have – otherwise their surviving would have no meaning.” – Chinua Achebe

How To Talk About Sensitive Topics and Share Sensitive Stories

Like I’ve demonstrated in this piece, with over two thousand words, you can talk about sensitive topics, albeit sensitively if you

Speak to the Universal, Not the Individual

Don’t call names. Don’t say “My friend Sarah who got raped…”. Like, I don’t even know why I have to explain this, but that will get Sarah very, very infuriated. However, Sarah might be cool, or even happy if you say something like “Sexual assault is very barbaric and it is scary and unsettling the number of perpetrators that roam free…”. Now Sarah knows I feel her pain.

Your goal is to tackle the issue, not expose individuals. With proper research, empathy, and a good idea, you could even transform that personal pain (that was shared with you) into a collective medicine (to heal those who have been affected) and bring attention to the issue (so fewer people suffer in the future).

If you noticed, in the beginning of this piece, I didn’t start name-dropping the friends who had lost their parents or had an extra year in school. They may even read this and think, “Oh wow, David even knows more people who have experienced this. Maybe I should read to the end to see what lessons David has for me from listening, reading, and pondering on this topic. I am so glad I know David because he really takes whatever I tell him seriously and thinks of creative ways to help not just me, but others who might be having the same struggle”.

Pardon me for thinking very highly of myself, it is just that that is what I expect a reasonable person to think. However, if for some reason, they confront me and start badgering me about even mentioning the word “Pregnant” or “Illness” then I know they have bigger issues.

Moving on…

Elevate Personal Stories to Collective Wisdom

Your friend’s specific story is not the point. The human experience is. If a friend had shared their suicide attempt with you, you don’t have to narrate their story with everyone (unless they expressly gave consent). You can talk about circumstances that lead people to attempt it, drawing some nuances from the experience shared with you in combination with other stories and ideas out there. 

For example, you may say something like, “Many people who attempt suicide don’t do it because they are broke, scared, or don’t have anything going on. Most of them do it because they, for some reason, cease to find life itself worth living. They may party hard, play video games, and have a lot of sex in an attempt to feel something, yet feel numb and empty. And that is why it is hard to make sense of it when a good, seemingly happy friend ends up hanging from the ceiling fan…”. 

It is possible that the friend who shared the experience had talked about how they started drinking or having sex with random people. But, in the paragraph above, it wasn’t presented as a thing only they experience, but rather a common experience of many people going through thesame struggle. It was depersonalised, and the story has been used to shed light on the problem. 

From there, you can go on to discuss the landscape of mental health, the systemic challenges, the societal stigmas and so on. 

Make it much larger than just that snippet they shared. If you only reveal their secrets, what you are doing is gossiping, and that is insensitive.

Approach with Compassion and Broader Context

There are even instances where you can highlight a sensitive experience someone shared, but with compassion and broader context and that will still be okay.

For example, you could say, “A friend of mine back in secondary school got pregnant. She was barely 17, and her parents, like many African parents, were very religious. She has on multiple occasions been ruthlessly flogged for not coming to church early, so imagine the dread that befell her when she realised she was pregnant, and she wasn’t even sure who the father was. To her, it was either the foetus or her life. She chose her life.”

As you can see, this story was detailed, but no names were dropped, there was plenty of context, and the empathy was overflowing. 

When discussing sensitive topics, don’t just share a personal anecdote, explore the complex social, economic, and personal factors that shape such decisions. Show nuance. Show humanity.

Make It Clear You’re Not Targeting Anyone

Other times, it is important to go the extra mile to explain that the story you shared is not necessarily about that individual, but rather about how it is the common lived experience of many people.

For example, you could say, “I once had a friend in the University. He was handsome, smart, and hardworking. But, he was also the first child among 7. So, when their parents died leaving no inheritance, and not even a place to rest their heads at night, this friend started working multiple menial jobs. However, when his younger sister was diagnosed with a Chronic Kidney Disease, this friend, unable to bear the thought of losing her, ventured into online fraud. But, this story isn’t about him or even a justification of his actions. It is rather about how extreme poverty, lack of jobs, and poor social structure are driving more and more of our intelligent, able-bodied youths into illicit activities that they never dreamed of while growing up. From hookup girls to organ traffickers, it is indeed a scary reality of the country today”

A personal and sensitive story like this when shared shifts the focus from the person (and the messiness of their lives) to the mess itself. 

Get Their Consent Before Sharing Their Story

While discussing sensitive topics, there are instances where you might want to have a real face behind the stories. A face that helps add more meaning and power to the message. But, of course, it should come with consent.

For instance, if a friend had shared a story of how they got incarcerated and couldn’t get a job after getting out of prison, you could, with their consent, share that story. The key is highlighting how that friend might have made a mistake or could have been any one of us, but unlike the rest suffered the brunt of stigma.

Imagine presenting it like this: “Many people who make mistakes find themselves trapped in a cycle of punishment that extends far beyond their initial sentence. Mr Peter experienced this first hand. After he got out of prison for a crime he is now repented of, no one agreed to hire him despite being highly skilled. Hunger and desperation set in as he was left to grovel for bread – the very circumstances that initially pushed him to rob a grocery store. Thankfully, Mr Peter got hired by company A, and has ever since then gotten promotions and now lives comfortably with his family. What I find troubling is that the system seems to push people like Mr Peter to repeat their mistakes.”

Notice how the story isn’t just about one individual, but about a broader social issue. The personal narrative becomes a peephole for seeing the systemic challenges. 

Having the face of that friend behind the story would not only empower that friend but might also move others who are suffering or still promoting the stigma to rethink.

“Stories are memory aids, instruction manuals and moral compasses.” – Aleks Krotoski

Conclusion: The way the story is told matters far more than the event

We think we own our stories, but often they own us. This is particularly true for the events that happen to us. When I was robbed, as much as it sucked to lose my phone, I took it as a lesson that whatever I have, no matter how valuable I consider it, I can still do without it. By viewing the incident as a story about me not really owning anything, it became liberating.

But, it is still possible to consider that story as a lesson in the need to be heartless towards your fellow humans, or perhaps even take forcefully from others (because you didn’t deserve what happened to you).

The point is that events themselves are void of meaning – like stars exploding or black holes collapsing in the darkness of space. It is the stories we tell about them that shape our feelings, our actions, and our very understanding of existence.

So no matter what has happened, no matter how sensitive you can still tell the story in a way that brings awe, empowerment, and hope to people. And, if a bad story already exists, perhaps, you can rewrite it, with care and love.

“When we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write a brave new ending.” – Brené Brown 

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Did you enjoy this piece, or do you have some questions? Please let us know in the comments section.

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