Because being an asshole can be such a wonderful way to live, I decided to give my 15 quick and dirty super easy steps on how to be an asshole, because its the best lifestyle ever and I don’t want you missing out
Before it was easy to simply say that an atom is the smallest part of an element and go scot-free, these days, even electrons and protons are not even agreed to be the smallest parts because they are not.
If you try explaining something and use an instance like “these are the smallest units of this organization, just like the atom of every matter they can’t be split any further” most people would just nod their heads and let you finish making your point
however, if someone with this rear ability to be an asshole was there, they would jump right in, cutting you off midway as they point out the fact that an atom isn’t the smallest part of a matter… so nice, right? just clarifying things, not letting the wrong information spread, saving the day
So here, because of how necessary it is to be a condescending insipid asshole, I’ve decided to create a list of to-dos to enable anyone to achieve this goal effortlessly
HOW TO BE AN ASSHOLE
- Always talk about yourself – I mean what can be more important than you (the answer is nothing), you’re the center of the universe, everything revolves around you, the whole universe was created just for you and only YOU, and every other person can kiss your ass.
- Always interrupt people- never ever let anyone finish what they are saying (what sense can they possibly be making), you have to cut them short and make your own all too important point. Your perspective is all that matters, no matter the subject or situation. You should be the only one doing the talking all the fucking time whether you know what you are talking about or not
- Make sure you let them know that you are always right – your words have been tried and tested for centuries and has never failed, not even once, not even slightly has it missed its mark. Always start with words like “I’m 100% sure”, “I have more experience than you”, “you don’t even know half of what I know” and so on. Say that out loud, aren’t you just proud of yourself, so confident and well rounded in everything *chuckles*
- Speak as loud as possible – Everyone must hear what you’re saying, who else should have something more important to listen to other than you, you possess all the wisdom and answer to everything, isn’t it so? Yell at the top of your lungs, it doesn’t matter if your spittle splashes on the face of your sorry-looking audience, you are the boss, no, you are the damn lord
- Never ever apologize – Why should you condescend so low. Never ever apologize to anyone for being or doing wrong, wait, who said you could ever be wrong.
- Abuse and insult everyone at any opportunity you come across, this is important, you have to show your dominance and maintain it. it doesn’t matter their age, age is just a number, you deserve all the respect and they deserve none, not even grannies
- Don’t ever listen to any person’s explanation, why should you?
- If you ever do make a mistake blame it on someone else (this one is very important), never ever admit you are wrong, it is always someone’s fault, if you do run out of victims, always remember you can blame the fucking devil
- Take what does not belong to you, whoever said that the universe doesn’t belong to you deserves 46 lashes of metal wipe to their bare buttocks
- When things get into a dead-lock, don’t hesitate to kill any motherfucker trying to block your path, this world is like grand theft auto, right? you can do anything you please and find a few cop stars to atone for it, isn’t it so?
- Cheat on your partner as often as possible, everyone should consider it a privilege to even know you, right?
- Lie about every single thing, dishonesty is something you should be proud of.
- Always remember to mock people’s religion, yeah, they are lunatics, they don’t know anything, complete set of morons
- Don’t get a job, always demand money from people that are related to you, it’s your right, it’s their duty to feed you until you become a fat fuck, yeah, that’s right, you deserve it all
- And remember to always explore new ways to be a complete dickhead, its always totally worth it
Hope you found this article helpful, it was a pleasure sharing this wisdom with you, lol
A Self-Help Writer And Editor Who Keeps It Simple (Yet Elegant)