It usually happens whenever I’m tired.
When exhausted and in dire need of sleep, when my muscles are weak and my brain threatens to short down. I discover that I am most irritable – I am most irrational.
Maybe it is because of my heightened awareness of my frailty. When you have a mind that is wide awake and a drowsy body, you begin to notice the incongruities in life.
You begin to realize that although your mind is boundless, free, and powerful, it is trapped inside a feeble body.
In those moments of extreme weakness, I hear my heart palpitate gently. I hear my breath flowing through my nostrils – filling my lungs.
In moments like this, I can taste my saliva and feel the charges on my skin.
My mind wanders afar off. It thinks about all the places I dream of going to. All the things I wish I’ve done. But I do not regret it – it is simply a longing for more of life. At least, I still have time, don’t I?
But then the strangest of things happen.
Someone walks into the next room – the toilet room. He begins to pee and defecate. And this torments me.
In my sensitive state, I couldn’t help but imagine the disgustingness’ being expelled from his body. And I can’t help but also envision those in mine.
Sometimes I get so disgusted I feel like dragging my tired body out of the room – but I’m too tired. I lay there, tormented.
I vow to get a sound-proof door. A sound-proof house. I wish it stops soon – the sound of pissing and pooping. And soon it ceases.
I wrestle with the thoughts for a little and soon expel the hatred I have for my body.
Later the next morning I find myself in the toilet.
I seat there in that white citrine, and I’m disheartened.
To think that all the nice things I ate all got turned into these smelly lumps of feces dejects me.
I try not to think about it much, and soon I’m done with it. But no matter how many wipes and waters I employ, I still feel dirty.
And that is why I always take my bath immediately after using the toilet.
I make sure to use plenty of soap, and water.
I scrub my crouch meticulously and repeatedly and pour water on it.
In the same vein, I take out the time to brush my teeth.
I pay extra care to it.
Nothing disgusts me more than having a rotting tooth.
I use a hard brush so that I can scrub till I am satisfied almost all germs are gone – along with some gum and blood. I grin in front of a mirror and rinse my mouth multiple times – making sure no fluoride gets into my system.
Then, I rub some cream on my body.
And put on some clean clothes.
Perfume would be great if I’m stepping out.
Truly, I feel refreshed.
I feel godlike – clean and bold.
At least, for the next few hours – before I start sweating and smelling again.
This is the state I’ve found myself in.
Decaying till death.
I am constantly disgusted by my kind.
I’m disgusted by the farts, the smell of period blood, the vomits, the smell of sweat, the thought of giving birth, everything…it all disgusts me.
And I know I’m over 20 years, and should have come to terms with anality, but I’m not.
It shames me even that I’m naturally drawn to female orifices. Maybe it’s part of the reason I’ve been single all this while.
It is no surprise then that the virgins of heaven are said to have saliva as sweet as honey, and do not urinate or defecate. I wonder if this has some similarities with the golden mansions also promised in heaven.
I do not love my nature.
I rather fanaticize about living in my mind.
Unfettered, limitless, and ageless. Not a body that constantly decays and tries to kill itself.
The problem with being humans – being alive and conscious of it – is that we have an immortal mind trapped inside a mortal body.
This is why death is so painful.
You know fully well that if their bodies were strong, their personality would have remained.
The old man still has zeal and dreams to pursue. Grandma is still as loving as ever. They smile and are very happy people.
But, they have this terrible lower back pain.
They complain of dizziness.
They complain of neck pain.
Their teeth are falling off.
Their eyes are dimming
Their skins are wrinkling
Their bones are now fickle and the muscles can no longer hold them upright
Senility strangles them right in front of your eyes,
Their bodies betray them
Soon, their heart stops, their lungs collapse, and it is game over.
Now, you’re next.
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