10 Lessons To Help You Get Better at Picking and Keeping Good Friends15 min read

I think having great friends all boils down to being a great person yourself. 

I am not the type to promote the law of attraction, but to a large extent, the reality is that you attract what you are. 

And, I am saying this as someone who has attracted all sorts of people into my life as friends – people from different cultural, religious, social, and economic backgrounds. 

So, when I talk about great friends, it is not so much what you might consider good or bad, but rather, the kind of friends I, personally, am proud of. 

If you’re not proud of your friends, they are not great friends (for you). And by extension, you are not a great friend (for them). 

Below are the top 10 lessons I have learned over the years, and I trust they will help you get better at picking good friends:

Authenticity matters more than sociability

Many people associate having a lot of friends with being extroverted or very social. That is not true. 

I am introverted and not very social. In fact, if I am not familiar with the people or don’t enjoy whatever is going on at the moment, you might find me to be rather cold, distant, or likely absent. 

Yet, whenever I am with friends, you would most likely find me talking my breath out and laughing silly. 

The secret lies in being honest, genuine, and unapologetic: If you find yourself trying to appear different whenever you’re around them, they may not be the best friends for you.

Proximity alone doesn’t make good friends.

As a kid, I often played alone. Not because I didn’t like playing with other kids, but because I didn’t like how they played. 

Like most kids, the kids I grew up with were sort of very obsessed with what they can get or get away with. They didn’t like to lose, and would often lie about what happened. 

I also got tired of being constantly blamed when something went wrong – tired of getting punished when a kid got injured, damaged something, or just started crying for no good reason. So, I started playing all by myself most of the time.

I only started regularly playing again with the others after we got our first video game. At least, in video games, no one gets hurt, you are indoors, and when an adult needs your attention, they know where to find you. 

In that way, I sort of began bonding better with the other kids in my life. We got to cooperate in beating levels and winning stages. It was nice. But, it was also shallow.

That is why when we outgrew video games, most of the relationships faded. It was similar to how I changed my entire friend group back then in my junior secondary school simply by changing where I decided to sit in class the next term. It is also akin to how you can switch friends from work by simply moving to a new company.

Great friendships do not rely on proximity alone. Physical distance hardly destroys great friendships. Rather, it is great friendships that remove distance. If the relationship only exists because of the close proximity, it is not deep enough. 

Fellow cult members can still be shitty friends

Around my JSS3, I dabbled into Christianity – not in the sense of just identifying with it, but getting immersed and turning a zealot. 

The friends I made due to the religious affiliation were stronger – it was more or less a cult-like bond. We sat closer together in class. Looked out for each other – be it by sharing notes or putting each other through on difficult subjects – and also planned and executed missions as a team – for instance, organising a fellowship meeting, raising funds, and going for camps. 

Here, we stuck together as a team even when we had differences or didn’t really have similar personal interests. Our relationship was built on the common foundation of our faith – so we often had to repent or adjust our values to align with the faith. 

While the relationships were strong, and driven by something truly deeper, it was never really about the bonding of the individuals. More or less, we just wanted to be friends with Jesus, even if it meant cutting others off. 

And, as time went on, what it meant to be friends with Jesus sort of became a bit complicated – should you wear trousers, should you do X, or avoid Y. And, when a few started abandoning Jesus, so too did we lose them. 

I remember my seatmate telling me, “I want my pound of flesh”, before leaving our seat to go sit with the other “worldly” guys. Our friendship never recovered.

It takes wisdom to understand when someone is your friend because of you, and when they are friendly because of a common course. Great friendships extend beyond courses, and sometimes, can even exist despite divergent courses.

You can’t force friendships, but you can always be friendly 

I also got tired of holding on to the faith. And, with my faith went my friends. 

I got no calls or texts for months.

We had just graduated, so physical interactions with peers were non-existent. 

This was a dark time in my life. In retrospect, I think I got a bit depressed. 

This continued till my first year in the University, where we were mandated to live in the hostel. There I had a couple of roommates who I had no choice but to physically interact with. 

They were sometimes annoying. But, we learned to live at peace; to cooperate, disagree, and move on. We had a common course (make good grades) and close proximity (the room).

With everyone being strangers to each other, and having received the orientation to focus on their Grade Points, I could understand why everyone seemed more self-focused – and even sceptical of a friendship.

But, I learned to smile, work with, and thrive with those who offered a friendly handshake. I learned you can’t force friendships, but it is wise to be as friendly as possible to strangers.

Great friends go out of their way for you

My relationships with my roommates remained impersonal until two out of the rest proved to me that they weren’t only about themselves, but wanted to see me do well. 

The first was when one of the roommates went out of his way to bring past questions and answers to me so we could solve them together and have an edge in our exams – because in Year 1 we all wrote the same exams. 

The second was when another of the roommates went out of his way to mobilise the Man-O-War to demand my money from someone who had refused to pay, and was sort of trying to get away with my money. 

At this point, what it meant to be a friend got redefined in my mind: Friendship wasn’t about proximity or shared interest, nor was it about achieving common goals, but rather about helping the other person, even if it sometimes costs you. 

People who laugh, dine, and wine with you when things are going well may be great company. But, great friends are the ones who would cheer you up, and give you bread and wine when things are going bad.

True friends keep you in check

A true friend won’t take your shit, watch you harm yourself, or let you do something wrong.

I remember one instance when a friend informed me of his interest in learning how to do internet fraud. I blatantly told him that if he did that, I would stop being his friend. He didn’t proceed. 

I can’t recall the number of times my best friend, back then when we were roommates, called me out for not keeping the room clean, simping for a girl, or even just being lazy.

If friends don’t risk conflict with you to ensure what is best for you, then they are not very good friends.

True friends nourish you

A true friend will water you. 

Wisdom, my great friend, keeps sharing ideas about how to make more money and achieve the dream life. It doesn’t matter if I ignore the advice or resources he shared, he keeps sharing more. He wants me to win, as I do him. 

But, this attitude is not unique to him. It is a common theme in all the friends I now have. 

I remember when ChatGPT and other AI tools launched. A lot of my friends started sharing the news and links with me because they believed it would help me as a writer. Shout out to James here. 

I can’t even recall the amount of times I have been sent gigs or links to apply for one. Shout out to Osas here. 

I get updates on scholarship opportunities thanks to Jabin. 

What about the friends who share memes or who I can confide in when I am stuck in a dilemma? Shout out to Elizabeth and Ifeanyi. 

I have been sent airtime, wishes, and even numerous resources – like books and blog posts by so many friends.

Sherry is someone I can discuss career, dreams, and ambitions with; giving me strength when things feel murky.

I have been watered by my friends. And I water my friends. 

I do share tools, ideas, opportunities, advice, resources, and of course, memes with them. I do call them out on their bullshit, and also support them financially when I can. 

And, that is also why I am able to quickly tell those who aren’t real friends – they are the ones who seem to only drain me.

When you really sit down to think of it, fake friends never really do anything for you other than take. But good friends will always look to see you grow.

Good friendships require grace and forgiveness to survive

True friends fight from time to time, but that is no reason to end a good friendship. 

Last year, I deleted a friend’s phone number and blocked them on WhatsApp. 

Why? 

They suggested I didn’t have their best interest at heart. And then went on to say some not-so-nice things to me. 

Of course, it was not true – I did have their best interest at heart, which made me particularly pissed that they could say such things to me. 

“Fuck them!” was my stance. 

But, after talking with another friend about it, I saw how they might have seen things that way. And, after much contemplation, I saw how I might have also been wrong, and acted in a way which was indeed not to their best interest, even if my intents were pure. 

I apologised. They apologised. We reconciled. 

They even sent me a recent picture they took. They look amazing. 

I want to water them more.

True friends multiply what you give

I stumbled upon a quote on Facebook a few days ago. It says, “Remember, water has no effect on fake flowers.“. It resonated with me so I saved it.

And, even though the writer might have his context, and the quote itself is open to interpretation, the first impression I got from it was that “Fake friends can never acknowledge what you do for them. And, they often never reproduce the good you give them, no matter how much you nourish them.” 

When I gifted a friend last year on their birthday, they made sure to double the gift on mine. On my end, when I noticed one of my friends often goes the extra mile to call, I ensured to call and check up on them more often.

Why?

Because, often, friends interact with you the way they wish you interact with them. 

The interactions of a good friend will be warm, respectful, and caring. Great friends are experts at acknowledging and making this blossom into greater intimacy. 

Having a friend who never matches the energy might be a telltale sign they are not really a great friend for you; even if they may be great humans on their own. 

Interaction with good friends feels amazing

I will tell you the kind of friends I love being around and talking to: I love people who I get excited talking to – people who it seems our minds have intercourse when we speak – the kind you would mistake for a lover (whether male or female). 

There is nothing as sweet as sharing ideas only to have someone give a perspective that improves or expands it. There is something endearing about working with someone who is excited about whatever it is you’re working on.

This is exactly why I enjoy, a bit too much, speaking with my friend Linda. We could go from relationships, to digital marketing, and head up to celebrity gist and it would all feel so refreshing. 45 minutes go by, like you were eating ice cream. 

My conversations with my brother, who I can also consider a great friend, is often more tense, as our ideas often tend to sword-fight. But, yes, the bad ideas get to get their limbs chopped off, and victors emerge. Making us both more grounded, and careful, yet lethal in our views. 

I can share the most fringe and weird ideas with Elizabeth. I can be completely honest with Ifeanyi. I am forced to think with Tobechukwu. 

Conversations with Christabel keep me humble and grateful, she can even tell when I am lying to myself.

Belema listens and really gets me. I am bare to her. My inner child feels comfortable around her.

Good friends have your best interest at heart no matter how different your interactions with each might be.

And, you will find these interactions refreshing. 

Conversing with my friends has often helped me find both clarity and hope, which fuels my passion and purpose.

And, what is life – your breath or wealth – if you are not on fire with passion and purpose?

“A life without friends is like a sky without stars” – Kevin Ansbro.

Conclusion: To nurture great friendships, you must be genuine and accept nothing less.

You won’t find great friends in the library, church, or some group. You become a great person, and then great people resonate with you wherever you are. But, more importantly, you help yourselves stay great. 

It is not always easy – it will require chemistry, communication, vulnerability, courtesy, compassion, trust, cooperation, boundaries, compromise, and commitment.

All of which are humongous work to cultivate and practice. 

All of which require you to be genuine, and accept nothing less.

***

“I don’t fake things,” she said. 

“I don’t even know how to do that,” she continued. 

“I am always pouring out my heart to you…telling you the truth even when it hurts,” she paused, trying to hold back tears.

“…even when I know what I am telling you might make you block me, mute me, delete my number,” she paused again. 

Then continued, “but it does not still stop me from sharing my opinion [truth].” 

Great friends are not afraid to be seen as imperfect. And, they would rather lose you than not be themselves – flaws, scars, quirks, and all – around you. 

“I am sorry for the way I reacted…” I apologised.

***

Did you enjoy reading this, or have questions, please let us know in the comments section: 

1. How To Make Friends As A Young Adult?
2. 31 Ways To Strengthen Your Friendships (With Examples)
3. 23 Things Toxic Friends Do, and How To Cut Them Off
4. 5 Ways To Prevent Betrayal From Friends
5. The Value of Honesty In Friendships [10 Ways To Build It]