How To Pursue Personal Goals Without Neglecting Family Expectations12 min read

I am the firstborn of my parents. It’s a tough position to be. Sometimes it feels like I’m carrying a 660 lbs barbell on my shoulder. If you’re the oldest too, you probably get it.

First off, there is a set of rules burned into your mind, into who you are. These rules come with big expectations. This creates voices in your head always saying things like:

“There is no room for mistakes.”

“Be the responsible one.”

“Lead by example, always.”

“Be the family’s pride and joy.”

“Your siblings are your responsibility.”

“Sacrifice your desires for family needs.”

“Family reputation rests on your shoulders.”

You feel like you’re tasked to always rush in to save the day.  

All these lead to immense pressure that can overwhelm you if you don’t learn to balance your family’s hopes and your goals.

In this piece, we will attempt to find practical and actionable ways to maintain a balance between your goals and family expectations without losing yourself.

Oldest Child Syndrome: Cultural Expectations vs. Self-Care 

The “oldest child syndrome” is an informal term that describes common traits or behaviours often seen in the oldest child. These traits are influenced by the expectations and demands placed upon the eldest child in the family. 

In my culture (Igbo), the eldest son is given the title “Di okpara,” which translates to “the Lord first son.” This firstborn son is typically expected to assume leadership responsibilities. His role includes offering guidance and support to his brothers and sisters. He’s seen as a kind of hero figure, stepping into the father’s position when the father is not present.

The eldest daughter, called “Ada,” also carries a weight of her own. Traditionally she serves as a connection between her younger siblings, her parents, and the world beyond the family. 

These roles for both the eldest son and eldest daughter influence how they behave and develop responsible and reliable characteristics they develop.

The upside is that being in such a position, you grow strong and learn how to be a leader. The downside? Sometimes you try so hard to do everything for everyone else that you forget about yourself. You get worried, and stressed, and neglect your own needs. 

Always putting your family’s expectations first might seem right, but if you’re worn out, you can’t be there for them in the best way. It’s a cycle: you try to help everyone, get exhausted, and end up even more stressed and unhelpful.

The High Cost of Trying To Live Up To Family’s Expectations

Often, families place high expectations on their children, causing them to sacrifice their own goals and dreams to meet other people’s expectations, such as choosing a partner or lifestyle that aligns with family interests over personal choice. 

As an older child, you may find yourself always needing to sacrifice to meet expectations. But what are you really sacrificing and at what cost? And is the price you’re paying worth it?

For instance, in pursuit of living up to expectations, my life was regimented during my university years, a never-ending cycle of lectures, and libraries. Everything revolved around textbooks and test scores as if my worth could be measured solely by my GPA.

I’d neglected the small joys that make life special—like hanging out with friends, and the excitement of finding doing things together. I treated most people as extras in my academic story, except my friend Edwin.

I quit dancing and avoided extracurricular activities. I stayed emotionally distant, missing growth from vulnerability and relationships, because I thought romance was a luxury I couldn’t afford. 

Yes, I graduated with a Second Class Upper and did youth service. But it felt hollow. I had few meaningful memories, no close friends to celebrate with, and felt I’d missed the point of this life stage.

Like me, in a quest to live up to the expectation of the first child, you may end up sacrificing the very experiences that shape you into well-rounded, empathetic adults. 

Often, it’s a near-death experience or burnout that serves as a wake-up call, forcing us to confront an uncomfortable truth: chasing expectations and achievements that don’t mean anything to you is often a mask for deeper fears and insecurities. Fears your parents or those around you won’t accept your authentic self or appreciate you.

Making a difference and pleasing your parents are good and noble, but not at the cost of personal growth and happiness. 

The challenge is finding the balance between pursuing your goals, honouring their sacrifices, and enjoying the journey.  After all, isn’t a life well-lived the ultimate way to make your parents, and (or at least) yourself, truly proud?

How To Balance Family Expectation and Your Goals As the Oldest Child.

As we gain a clearer understanding of ourselves, we attempt to chart a new course. But breaking away from our family’s hopes and expectations can be tough and also compensated for. 

To start off:

Look into the mirror

Parents’ desires were the key to navigating this complex world as kids. Because we barely knew who we were, how things worked, or where we fit in. They (our parents) mostly educated us on these things, so, as kids, we took these expectations as part of our reality.

And, though their wishes often stemmed from love and a desire to see us succeed, they are not always what’s best for us. 

Furthermore, though unconsciously, parents want to live vicariously through their children, hence, they push us to fulfil the dreams they couldn’t.  

Your Mission: Self-reflect. Know yourself. Filter out the voices in your head until only your own voice remains. Look into the mirror until all you can see is the real you (unencumbered by the expectations of family).

Your task:

• Write about your thoughts, feelings, experiences, and unique views on life. Use the phone, laptop or social media as a digital journal if traditional methods feel tedious.

• Focus on patterns and desires, not likes or comments.

• Connect with your tribe living your inspired life for insights.

• Explore your curiosity, interests and passions outside your comfort zone.

As you reflect and engage, you’ll discover and evaluate your core values. 

Use the insights you find to guide your decisions and personal growth.

Talk openly and honestly with your family members 

My family environment didn’t exactly discourage open communication. Dad was often absent, and we feared approaching him. With Mom, we struggled to find the right way to connect. 

However, as time passed, my siblings and I discovered our parents were more open-minded than we initially thought. This realisation made discussing choices easier, though honest conversations about desires and goals remain challenging due to our differing views on life.

Generational differences and cultural expectations often create barriers. Parents naturally try to pass on their knowledge and perspectives. 

For instance:

• They might have specific timelines in mind for major life events, like marriage or starting a family.
• Their idea of a successful career might lean towards traditional jobs, such as banking or government work. In contrast, you might be drawn to more dynamic fields like tech startups or digital marketing.
• Your comfort with sharing personal experiences on social media might clash with their preference for more private, face-to-face interactions.

Your task:

• Begin with lighter topics, such as daily routines or fashion preferences, to establish a comfortable dialogue.
• Gradually introduce modern concepts, maybe the opportunities in fields like digital writing or marketing.
• Demonstrate how your goals align with family values. For example, explain how a career in digital writing allows you to help others, resonating with your family’s emphasis on service to humanity.

Be patient: Changing how others think takes time.

Slowly become independent from your family

Just as parents stop carrying babies once they learn to walk, you should also learn to gradually become independent. This involves letting go of traits like being overly dependent, perfectionist, and always eager to please parents—traits that come from being the initial focus of attention.

As you grow, it’s important to stop carrying all your family’s hopes and dreams. Find a balance between helping your family and following your own dreams. 

To gain independence:

• Make small decisions like choosing study subjects or planning meals.

• Take on home responsibilities like buying little essentials for the house. 
• Voice opinions on family matters, starting with easy topics, like living away for higher education, if appropriate.
• Find ways to earn your own money. Perhaps, pursue internships or part-time work to earn some money in your name. 

The Goal: Show your growth capacity while respecting your parent’s feelings. Progress may be slow, but these small steps lead to trust and independence. 

Set financial boundaries

Money can wreak havoc on family ties. Even the closest sibling or parent-child relationships can be strained by financial anxiety.

For instance; your siblings might look to you for financial help and your parents might constantly ask for money, believing it’s a child’s duty to care for ageing parents. 

However, these expectations clash violently with today’s harsh realities: skyrocketing unemployment, economic rollercoasters, and high cost of living. Meeting these demands isn’t just challenging—it’s like surfing on a turbulent ocean. It’s especially brutal if you’re just starting out with empty pockets, or if your finances are already stretched thin. In this economic circus, just keeping your head above water can feel like a Herculean task, let alone playing the family superhero.

Your task:

• Be transparent about your financial situation. A simple statement like, “I have my own financial goals and obligations,” can set clear boundaries.
• Share financial knowledge respectfully by offering to help create budgets or savings plans.
• Encourage self-sufficiency by providing resources for job searching or skill development.
• Offer support that doesn’t involve direct financial aid, such as career advice or networking opportunities.
• Give in chunks, not all at once. Support specific aspects of their finances occasionally. This reduces the overall burden while still providing meaningful help. E.g.; cover a utility bill one month or buy foodstuff at the start of the week. 
• Reassure them that everything will be alright with patience and family efforts. 
• Ask respected family members to help with discussions. 

Giving is like pouring water from a jug. If we pour too fast or too much, you might lose control and your jug might run dry. When your jug runs dry you won’t be able to give at all and become resentful and unhelpful.

However, if you pour slowly and keep refilling your jug, you can give it for a long time. It’s about finding a balance between helping others and taking care of ourselves.

Always Look For Common Ground

Balancing personal goals and family expectations can feel like a tug-of-war. To find real harmony, sometimes you need to “raise the white flag” and seek common ground. This means recognizing that both your ambitions and your family’s hopes matter. By being open to compromise and honest communication, you create a path that supports your dreams without neglecting your family’s needs. 

For example;

Family expectation: Maintain strict religious practices.

Personal goal: Explore spiritual alternatives.

Compromise: Respect family religious events while personally exploring other spiritual paths.

Guide your desire with the wisdom that the generational gap brings. It is key to leading life with fewer regrets and mistakes. 

Your task:

• Understand your parent’s perspective: Ask about their childhood. Discuss their past challenges.  Learn about their youth.
• Explore their motivations: Discuss their hopes and fears for you.  Understand their expectations.
• Share your world: Share with them helpful content reflecting your views. Discuss these openly.
• Find shared values: Identify common beliefs. Use these to compromise.
• Acknowledge their wisdom: Recognize valuable lessons. Apply advice in your own way.
• Show appreciation: Thank them for their support. Highlight how they’ve helped.

Honour your parents’ journey while charting your own path.

Conclusion: Make Decisions You Can Live With in the Coming Days

In our quest to be the hero, we often forget something crucial. Heroes need to survive. They need air to breathe, space to grow, and a semblance of normalcy in their lives. They also need to be saved. 

You must learn to step back sometimes. To let others take the reins. To simply exist without the cape and mask. Remember, even Superman had his Fortress of Solitude. 

When you step back, you’re not just giving yourself room to breathe. You’re encouraging growth, allowing family members to shoulder responsibilities that will shape their character. It’s about fostering independence, not abandonment.

However, even armed with these strategies, it’s hard to resist a family’s distress call. As firstborns or any responsible child, we have the impulse to be rescuers and fixers, always swooping in to save the day. I’m a sucker for family too. But in such dilemmas, my go-to strategy is simple: “Make decisions you can live with in the coming days.”

Whatever the outcome, at least it’s you calling the shots, not guilt or obligation. So go ahead, be the hero – just make sure you’re not the one needing rescue in the end. After all, the best heroes know when to hang up the cape and when to wear it.

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