The Cuckoo Effect: How to Stop Nurturing Other People’s Dreams Instead of Your Own10 min read

I saw Vivarium a few days ago, and I couldn’t help drawing parallels to our daily lives, specifically how we do things that don’t serve our best interest.

In the very first scene of the movie, we see a relatively bigger, nonetheless ugly, and featherless chick pushing other smaller chicks that were with it out of the nest, so they came crashing down from the top of the tree – dying on impact. What follows is the mother bird returning with a meal to feed this murderous, surviving chick.

Upon research, I came to find out that the murderous bird was in fact the child of another bird – the cuckoo bird. And the mother, having a “bird brain”, could not tell them apart, as it foolishly, helplessly, instinctively fed the murderer of its children.

The movie went on to parallel this to an alien species that abducts humans and forces them to raise their kids. And, while the movie on its own was unsettling and tragic, I find that a more everyday parallel can be drawn from what the cuckoo bird does, with even more horrific and tragic conclusions.

Because here’s the thing: While some people can be fooled into raising other people’s children as their own, it is even more common to find people feeding, nurturing, and suffering for other people’s values, dreams, wishes, and whims.

Sadly, many people die without ever realising this. In this piece, I wish to expose the cuckoo birds in your life alongside their eggs, with the hopes that you will kick out the parasitic eggs before they displace your ideas, dreams, passions, purpose, and happiness in life.

The Parasitic Nature of Outside Influences: When Others’ Expectations Nest in Your Life

While most people may not wish you harm on a very good day, it is important to realise that everyday they try to lay eggs of their values, opinions, ideas, wishes, expectations, or demands into your own life. And those eggs, once they hatch, leverage your fears, ego, and other strong emotions to gradually compel you to nurture them.

• Think about fashion. How many times have you seen people wearing clothes that they themselves do not even feel comfortable in, simply because it is the latest fashion trend, and they do not want to be ignored or laughed at?
• How about academics? How many students have gone to school, studied hard, and graduated with degrees in courses they have no interest in simply because they are trying to please their parents (or fear offending them)?
• Heck, even many criminals today went down that path not because they didn’t have enough to eat, but because society’s definition of what success, achievement, and respect look like have driven them there. They didn’t want to be a loser or a failure (based on other people’s standards).

We could go on and on — from relationships to religion — but the idea is simple: an alien egg was hatched in their hearts, and they were not discerning and brave enough to spot and knock them off the nest of their minds. And now the alien has taken root and has diverted their time, talents, and resources to something evil.

Surely, it is no news that:

• There are rich, modest people who do not care about branded clothes or luxury cars. People who buy and make use of only the things they find useful, practical, and comfortable. People who do not care so much about what someone comments on their sense of taste.
• How about the billionaires who (notoriously) drop out of college to pursue their dreams? Of course, this is not to say that school is a scam, as some do later return to study what they have a genuine interest in, but the idea is that they didn’t stick with it out of fear or some other external factor.
• In fact, many young men and women in Nigeria today still choose to work jobs, stay honest, and shut their ears to the laughter, disrespect, and even ridicule of society (and their family) because they actively reject the idea of dabbling into internet fraud, organ trafficking, prostitution/hookup, and the likes.

Every day, both in small and big things, these cuckoo birds keep trying to plant a murderous, alien egg.

And, unless you pause and ask yourself why you are feeding certain things in your life, they will keep growing into anxiety, emptiness, frustration, and unhappiness, as they further alienate you from your values, passions, dreams, purpose, and happiness.

Feeding the Right Bird: The Cost of Nurturing Any Dream

The truth is that, no matter what chicks (ideas) you wish to nurture in life, it would still cost you – you will still have to fight for them to survive – you will still need to pay attention, work hard, sacrifice, and endure suffering to see that it flourishes.

So, why do all that for someone else’s chicks/dreams?

• Whether you wear designer or thrift wear, they still won’t define you – rather, it is your confidence that will carry them. It is your comfort and bank account that gets to suffer or enjoy.
• Whether you study medicine, fine art, or just decide to take the entrepreneurial route, you are still going to have to study, practice, and strive. They all take insane levels of work to make it.
• Whether you give up your dignity or do honest work in the pursuit of wealth, you still need to put in effort. A lazy, stupid criminal has no advantage over a lazy, stupid civil servant.

Life is essentially suffering, and then you die. The struggle is to make the suffering worth it.

The good news is that it is quite simple. The bad news is, it is also difficult.

• Instead of trying to bury your insecurities with more layers of designer clothing, why not pause to do the deep work of figuring out why you feel the urge to impress others so bad? What about reaching out to a therapist?
• Instead of spending all that time and money studying a course you despise, only to get a job you dread, why not put in that resource and effort into mastering something you care deeply about? Hey, what about having that difficult conversation with your parents?
• Instead of selling your soul for money and losing your sense of self-respect or at least conscience, why not work on your ego, and maybe free yourself from other people’s expectations? How about doing some soul searching?

Because, living life feeding other people’s ideas and wishes is one way to grow miserable and unfulfilled. And until the things you are doing are in alignment with your soul, you may never feel that sense of satisfaction or deeper meaning no matter how much you meet or surpass their expectations, standards, or opinions.

Living in Alignment: How to Ensure You’re Feeding Your Own Birds/Dreams

The beauty of living in alignment isn’t that it takes the struggle away or makes you the best in whatever you choose, but that it allows you to enjoy the journey each step of the way.

It enables you to live in such a way that you will be gleeful to intensify.

So, the ultimate litmus test might be:

• If the people, work, and overall experience in your life were increased by tenfold, would you be living in elation or utter misery?
• What are you doing that you know you should not be doing?
• What should you be doing that you’re not already doing?

I love the story of Mark Manson:

• How he quit his dream of being a musician after he realised that although he loved the idea of being a star, he dreaded the idea of needing to put in 10X his current effort to make it.
• How he quit his job in finance, because he realised working there – with his degree which he had also studied for years for – would drive him insane. And,
• How he now strives to not just write blog posts, newsletters, and books, but seeks to put out more value through his podcasts, and all other channels of communication.

And, even though now all the world sees his success, there were times when he questioned his decisions, was dirt broke, and even almost died all alone in a foreign country.

Heck, even now, while we may mostly see his success, he still has his struggles. He still loses business deals, and relationships, and fame simply because he doggedly refuses to feed the wrong bird.

Go back, go through the questions, and audit your life. Are you feeding the wrong bird?

For me, a writer,

• I don’t mind writing every day for money. In fact, I already write every day, mostly for no pay. So I know I am feeding my bird.
• As much as coupling engines and welding pipes under the sea sounds cool, I might grow insane doing those as a career, especially if I get no time to write or share my ideas.
• And, the fact that my mind can’t get over writing that book is a sign that I need to do it, I need to do this.

Just like Mark Manson or any other person who has decided to chase their dreams, it is important to know that challenges don’t mean you are on the wrong path.

Pain is an integral part of life, but if you are discerning and brave enough, you get to choose your suffering.

Conclusion: Eventually, Your Choices Bury You

Vivarium – the movie where I saw the cuckoo bird – ended with the alien burying the parents that raised it.

This is not so different from real life: We make choices – we feed opinions, ideas, and dreams – that eventually become our life – our finances, friends, children, and family. A life that comes to not just define us, but eventually determine what our final hours, even when we lie still in death, would be like.

Would you be surrounded by people who were grateful for your work, love, and presence – people who miss your existence? Or would it be people who do not value you save for what you could do for them, their organisation, or their status?

Beware of the egg of the cuckoo bird – it is ultimately a parasite that intends to steal everything from you.

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Below are some other pieces you might also like to read:

1. Are You A People Pleaser? [+ How To Stop Being Too Nice In 3 Simple Steps]
2. How And Why You Should Follow The Crowd
3. 10 Ways To Develop Self-Awareness as a Young Adult [The Beginner’s Guide]
4. You’re a Product of Your Beliefs [This Is How To Ensure Your Beliefs Are True And Helpful].
5. The Door of Your Mind: Why Critical Thinking Trumps Closed-, Narrow-, and Even Open-Mindedness.