Shape-Shifting Reality: Why The World Is a Mirror [and How To Reflect More Good]

I had yet another weird dream. Most of the details were fuzzy and ridiculous as usual, but one thing stood out: A shape-shifter whose look and behaviour didn’t change by their own will, but simply mirrored how I thought of them.

In the dream, a strange lady came visiting. She was an African, brown-skinned lady. She asked to shower, and at that moment, I began to wonder if she was actually a sex worker. The next moment, I saw her skimpily dressed — revealing a lot of skin in fishnet clothing. As I conversed with her, trying to overlook her dressing and know more about her, her looks kept subtly transforming. It only became apparent when she transformed into an aged Asian lady. At that moment, I understood deep down that her nature was simply a reflection of my thoughts about her. Quickly, I forced myself to think of her as a vibrant, friendly African lady, and that was her final form before I woke up.

I know, it is a dream which I can only remember fragments of, but it left an impression so deep in me that I couldn’t help but think, what if all of reality was simply a mirror of our own thoughts? And this is not me trying to push some ideas of manifesting, frequency, or pseudo-science. Rather, just an observation. Something more like the phenomenology of perception, where what we project onto people, ideas, and things — be it suspicion, warmth, hostility, or respect — subtly shapes how they ultimately appear or respond to us.

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” – Anaïs Nin

How Reality Mirrors Your Thoughts

The night before my dream, I had to travel to Port Harcourt for an errand. At the car park, while passengers were still entering the vehicle, a lady walked up and wanted to join us. Wanting to sit at the edge, I stepped out so she could step in, and all of a sudden, the guy at the extreme started speaking to me in a rather rude manner — insinuating I was not sensible for wanting this lady to join us. The truth was that there are times people sit three, and there are times they sit four. So, I ignored his tone and asked the lady if her ticket was for our bus. She was confused and stepped aside. Nevertheless, the young man kept speaking in a condescending manner to me, so I asked him why he was speaking to me like we had an issue in the past — at this point, my mind had already labelled him a threat and, in fact, an enemy. In a sense, just speaking to me in an unfriendly manner had shape-shifted me from a stranger into a potential rival to him. Funny thing, the driver came a few seconds later and informed us that we were in fact to sit four, to the shame of the rude guy.

At Port Harcourt, I would meet a stranger who agreed to pay for a drop with me — splitting the cost equally — as well as make other subtle interactions with different people, from drivers to the security personnels. All of which were pleasant, because I initiated most of these interactions in a rather friendly and respectful tone.

On our way back, we got to a Checkpoint where our driver was asked to stop, but he drove past in defiance. Before he could get to the next checkpoint, the officers there got a call, blocked the way, fingers on the trigger, asked the driver to step down, seized his keys, and asked him to provide his documents. The friendly police who usually smile and wave at drivers suddenly became foe — ready to make the driver’s day a nightmare. The elderly men and women hopped out and began to plead with the police. After much intercession with pats at the back and greasing of the officer’s palm by the elderly, he let the driver go after warning the driver not to repeat the unruly behaviour. With a smile, he waved us safe trip. Again, a neutral officer shape-shifted to a foe, and later a friend, simply based on how he was interacted with.

Nothing stated so far is new or groundbreaking, yet it is often ignored – to our peril.

“The world is a mirror, forever reflecting what you are doing, within yourself” – Neville Goddard

The Psychology of Reciprocity

Mirroring— or what psychologists call “interactional reciprocity” or “the chameleon effect” — illustrates how people unconsciously reflect the tone, emotion, and posture of those around them. You may not notice it happening, but the mirror neurons in your brain literally mimic and fire in the same pattern as that of those you interact with, and theirs yours – like a feedback loop.

This is why many people who every day complain about the behaviour of the people they interact with have a subtle role to play in it. And while there are genuinely toxic or unpleasant people – say the guy who started speaking rudely to me – to a large degree, it is often a reflection of how we interact with them as well – say I returned the energy and started talking down on him as well – creating a negative feedback loop.

This reminds me of my experience during my NYSC service year, where most of my female colleagues described the Principal as harsh, yet this lady often gave me money, thanked me countless times, and still comments on my social media posts several years after we finished service. (I should probably reach out to her, but I digress). The point is, by not defying her orders, supporting her goals, and generally showing genuine respect and care, I got to see that reflected back to me.

But aside from the inter-person interactions, life and society as a whole has a way of mirroring our thoughts. For example, a lot of people complain that “social media is toxic”; and while there is toxicity out there, I have found that simply engaging with the positive content trains the algorithm to feed you far better content (I literally wrote a book about this). So that, on my LinkedIn are content about tips on how to advance careers and businesses. On my Facebook are endless, relatable memes that make me laugh hard. On Instagram, are a mixture of funny and awe-inspiring reels. On X are just beautiful and a bit of NSFW content. And I love all of these. What I don’t see is the latest celebrity gist, political outrage, or content about toxicity in relationships.

But it goes a step further. The kind of friends you have and how those friends treat you, is largely due to how you interact with them. The other day, my cousin and I went somewhere. This person is someone we can consider an acquaintance, but my cousin was more friendly with this person, and I suspect, sometimes buys them stuff — because he often buys people stuff, he is like that. So that evening, when we were about to leave, this person gave my cousin a gift, and I got none. It felt awkward, but totally made sense. While I laughed and talked with this person, gifting was not something I had extended to them, so it made sense that they reflected it to someone who had done the same for them, and not me.

So the question is, how do you perceive your reality, and how are you interacting with it? Do you look at your environment and think I need to take from this place, or do you think, I need to add value to this place? Do you look at people and think, I need to love this person and give them attention, or do you think, I need love and attention from this person? Do you look around and think, People are stupid, or do you think, Wow, people are so intelligent? Do you think you can’t trust people, or do you think you can rely on them?

And that brings me to something deeper — moral idealism.

Moral Idealism VS Game Theory: The Red-Blue Button Dilemma

Moral idealism is more or less a belief that we can draw out the good in people if we offer good. But, like most grown-ups will tell you, you get hurt when you try to be a good person all the time, because not everyone mirrors kindness. Some people are like a gorge from which fear, anger, distrust, pain, manipulation, and worse flow. When you open yourself up to them or put yourself at their mercy, they are most likely to do what would hurt you. With the awareness of the existence of such people – and many people are aware of such people – a dilemma arises.

Imagine this experiment: A full town is assembled, and is told that a representative of each family is to push either a red or a blue button. If more than 50% of people push blue, everyone lives. But if less than 50% push blue, everyone who chose blue dies, while everyone who chose red lives. Which would you pick?

Take a moment to think about it before proceeding…

My initial thought was to pick blue, because I suspected at least half of humanity would have the intention to see everyone live, right?

No.

The result of the experiment showed that, when people were asked what they’d do, most chose red — self-preservation over faith in others. Not because they wanted to see others die, but because they simply didn’t trust that enough people would think of more than their own self-preservation. So, in a weird twist of fate, fear of other people’s selfishness caused even those who cared about others to justify choosing the more selfish option – the negative feedback loop emerges again.

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So too in life, when we choose the “blue button” — love, honesty, investment, etc. — we risk being the one who loses if others choose “red” — hate, dishonesty, stealing, etc.

Does this mean, like the experiment above, we should always pick red and never blue? I don’t think so.

Why?

Because what such a strategy does is to 100% wipe out the best people out there, leaving you stuck with the worst kinds of people – the ones you would be perpetually afraid of trusting or mingling with. No wonder the experiment is rightfully categorised under the Prisoner’s Dilemma.

Thankfully, in life, we are not always risking our lives, and can always start trusting with the little to gauge character before trusting with more weighty life decisions. In other words, you have to be very observant of the people you interact with. Even though you lead with good intentions and trust, you should not turn a blind eye when they don’t mirror that energy. So the strategy is to stay open, but ready to step back when the signs turn dark. To stay kind, but not foolish.

This way, you can effectively weed out the ones who would press that red button, not out of fear, but for the sheer joy of seeing good people die.

You press blue because a world where only red-pressers survive isn’t worth living in.

This, of course, requires courage. Courage to be hurt over and over again, but for the goal of finding the few that won’t and sticking with them. It is the courage to refuse the darkness from dictating your form or behaviour.

“It is more shameful to distrust our friends than to be deceived by them.” – Confucius

What Jesus Knew About Game Theory

While our above strategy was better than the red-button one, Jesus, in his teachings and life, argued for something even more audacious — to never remove our finger from that blue button.

My brother once explained why Jesus asked his followers to bless those that curse them, do good to those that do them bad, and even turn the other cheek when slapped: He explained that it wasn’t because Jesus was asking his followers to endure abuse or risk their wellbeing, far from it, but rather, he was trying to get them to see that the best way to extinguish the evil was with good — hate with love, anger with mercy, fear with boldness.

And while Jesus might have gotten killed (remember, the result of the experiment), his approach did in fact dismantle the prevailing evil at the time (at least, in the hearts of those who were ready to receive this). His followers would do the same in Rome (which contributed to the collapse of the empire) and the rest of the world (yes, while Christianity’s impact on human morality is a complex and contested topic, its core principles of love, compassion, and justice have demonstrably inspired significant moral advancements throughout history).

Jesus Christ proposes a radical moral idealism — the kind that breaks the logic of the game and its negative feedback loops with an uno-reverse move of unconditional love and faith in humanity, even if it might lead to martyrs.

“If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also.” – Jesus (Luke 6:29)

Conclusion: Strive to See More Good Out of People

I live in a country where lynching (jungle justice), Internet fraud (Yahoo), bribery (Settling People), and prostitution (Hook-up) are not only normalised, but are sometimes celebrated. And while it is hard to see any good come out of this — just as it is easy to join the rest of the world in resenting my people, to ban and embarrass us at every chance there is — I am deciding to strive to see more good out of people.

Who knows, just like Zacchaeus, Mary Magdalene, and others who Jesus decided to look upon with the eyes of good, eventually transformed, who knows, if we keep reminding people of the good in them, and support them in ways we can — rather than finding ways to torture and crush them — then we might see a more friendly and beautiful world.

Maybe, if our families, friendships, and even workplaces can embody this — a culture of reciprocal respect, love, and trust — we can slowly shift the reflection we see in our society.

I am not writing this because I am a master of shape-shifting the world for good. I am not even religious. And, I often avoid the worst kind of people. The world is very complex, and the truth is, evil, toxicity, pain, and the worst would always exist with us. However, I do believe the more we try to do good, the more we can hope to see good come out of the world. Though bad guys should still be imprisoned, weeded out of the game, so that hopefully we can change the entire game to one in which good people don’t have to fear negative consequences for being and doing good. Perhaps that is the idea religious people have of Armageddon or the Judgment Day.

Whatever the case, I must admit this post is very idealistic, and maybe that is the point. Let’s try this new idea, and a better world might just be a dream come true.

“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” – Ernest Hemingway

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