Always Sorting It Out Alone Is Causing You Unnecessary Suffering: 5 Steps to Getting Help From Others Without Losing Respect12 min read

Many years ago, I took the bold step of moving out of my parents’ house to live alone. Why? Because I wanted to find my path as a person, make my own decisions, and suffer the consequences myself. I believed that’s how it should be. Until a person can make uninfluenced decisions, they can’t take full responsibility for the consequences of those decisions. Being able to take responsibility for your choices is a significant step in personal growth and development.

But honestly? That season nearly broke me. I was teaching computer science in a secondary school, and my salary was ₦20,000 when I moved out of the house, but I had to resign from the job to start my own business, a graphic design studio. As a new business, I barely had clients. In a whole week, I could have just one or zero clients. Most of my jobs came from online requests, and you know what that means.

Many nights, I slept without food. Yet somehow, I still felt a strange pride in my suffering because, well, I had “my own space” and could now bear the title of “business owner.”

I tried sorting things out my way, but I just didn’t have the financial power to pull things off as I would like. I became frustrated and paranoid because of all this. My life became triangulated: Office, Church, Home. It got worse. I started picking fewer calls and never went out. I was always thinking about how to grow the business. When I felt like I had exhausted all the options available to me, resentment crept in like a thief in the night.

To be fair, it wasn’t targeted at anyone, but it became generalised toward everyone. So I kept more to myself, feeling like no one would understand what I was going through. This became a sort of emotional quicksand—the more I struggled alone, the deeper I sank. That became the beginning of something I’m still struggling to stop today.

How ‘Sorting It Out Alone’ Slowly Destroys You

Nearly one-quarter of the world’s population feels lonely, with young adults aged 19-29 experiencing loneliness at rates of 27% globally.¹

Whenever I go through tough times, face difficult situations, or feel overwhelmed – maybe it’s a lack of finances, family issues, or even trying to figure out what’s happening within me – I tend to retreat into my shell. I isolate myself and try to sort things out on my own. It often feels like no one (including my wife) would understand what I’m going through. And I don’t want to bug anyone with my wahala.

Let the whole world just move on beautifully while I try to figure life out myself. Once I find some clarity, I’ll be back, sunshine and smiling. 

This behaviour is often hailed as “manly” or “what smart people do.”

But here’s the problem I’ve come to notice: during those moments of withdrawal, I feel disconnected. My mind becomes a battlefield. And when I try to reintegrate into society or show up among friends, everything feels strange, like I’m behind. Some people will even give me attitude, and why won’t they? Sheybi, I was the one who wanted space.

Everything starts feeling awkward and uneasy. That awkwardness sometimes pushes me right back into my shell. Slowly, I get used to being alone, creating a terrible, vicious loneliness cycle that’s hard to break.

So, I often resign myself to scouting for new connections on social media. But that doesn’t work. Or I overcompensate by showing off too much just to prove to my friends, “…I’m doing just fine without you guys.” Again, that doesn’t work.

What we often miss is that isolation isn’t just emotionally damaging—it’s physically harmful too. Research published in the American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine confirms that “humans are wired to connect, and this connection affects our health.²

I’ve noticed this isn’t unique to me. Many friends and acquaintances go through this same cycle, some more than others. When life hits hard, we isolate. We try to figure things out on our own. We want our “Me Time.” It’s dangerous, but understandable.

Why You May Feel Like ‘Sorting It Out Alone’

In this era of glamour and fake confidence, where everyone wants to prove a point, with the “I beta pass my neighbour” culture, sharing your problems doesn’t look like a very smart thing to do. So we go into the dark room alone. But that’s where dark thoughts grow, thoughts of worthlessness or even suicide. 

Often, the pressure that forces us to take up this attitude isn’t just from life itself but from societal expectations: marriage, money, other people’s definition of success, toxic relationships, or even trauma. Some of these aren’t even life’s essentials; sometimes, they’re just burdens and expectations we’ve picked up or have been influenced to meet by society.

When we don’t meet those expectations, we begin to feel like failures and pull away from others, especially those we think are succeeding. Why? Because it seems like they mirror our failures or shortcomings back to us. Like they have it all figured out and we’re just nonentities.

You Don’t Have To Do It Alone: How To Rely On Others Without Losing Respect

Nobody’s life is perfect. What you perceive as someone else’s success is often wrapped in their private struggles, within it, their own sense of failure. The friend who has money also has money-related fears: losing it, investing wrong, staying afloat, and business deals gone wrong. The friend who is married may be fighting silent battles you can’t imagine: struggling to stay faithful, pleasing their partner, or even craving moments of freedom.

And guess what? Those seemingly successful people still want to be with you. Sometimes, your presence keeps them grounded. Most times, you’re the only real connection they have. But when you isolate, they feel pushed away. 

Mark Manson captured this paradox perfectly when he said, “People admire strength, but they connect over struggle”. 

The irony is that by hiding our struggles in an attempt to appear strong, we actually disconnect ourselves from the very people who could help us and whom we could help in return.

We have an adage in my place that says, “The journey between a man who walks and a man who drives rarely works.” My question is, why won’t the poor man enter the rich man’s car? 

Here are some steps for relying on others, rather than trying to do things all by yourself.

Try Out Your Ideas First

Try out your ideas, the ones that are within your power, and take note of how much of a success or failure it was. If you can sort it out at this level, congratulations; you don’t need to reach out for help. 

Being able to resolve issues all by yourself boosts your self-confidence, which is really a very good thing for your autonomy as an individual.

However, if you can’t figure out a way to resolve the issue without uncesary suffering, then don’t hesitate to…

Talk to Someone Who Truly Cares

Talk to someone who truly cares: This could be someone you respect, or who has it as their job to help— for example, a therapist, counsellor, or personal coach. 

This is often the hardest part because no one is really comfortable with the level of vulnerability that comes with sharing their problems with a third party. So we often act up like some Superman. But now is not the time for that. You must be vulnerable. Try to be as transparent as glass.

At this stage, after sharing your situations and worries, make sure to share the ideas or options you’ve tried. What that does to the mind of the listener is tell them that you’re not someone who just dumps problems on people. You are a very intentional person. You really need a solution to this issue, and you will do anything to make it happen as fast as possible.

Be strategic and Intentional when you reach out for Help

When I started my first business (a graphic design studio), I made the mistake of trying to figure everything out alone. When that didn’t work, I swung to the opposite extreme: writing proposals to reputable people I knew, pitching my “brilliant business idea.” That was a total failure.

In hindsight, it makes sense why no one paid attention. Those proposals were lousy, but more importantly, I wasn’t strategic about my approach. I reached out to family members as if they were business partners and investors, which killed the entire process before it started.

Here’s what I learned: Be crystal clear about which relationship you’re leveraging when you reach out. Are you asking as family? As a colleague? As someone seeking mentorship? Don’t mix these up.

More importantly, make it easy for people to help you. Instead of saying “I need help with my business,” try something like: “I’ve tried A, B, and C approaches. I’m thinking about trying D next—what do you think?” or “I’ve done X and Y, and this is specifically where I need your input.”

This approach shows you’re proactive while remaining open to guidance. People can see exactly where to jump in without having to diagnose your entire situation first. With just a small push from them, you’ll be moving forward. This is what I call Strategic Asking.

Remember that everyone is dealing with their own challenges. Don’t approach people with entitlement, as if they exist to solve your problems. Show empathy and respect, even during paid consultations.

Trust your instincts. If you don’t feel safe being vulnerable with someone, don’t force it. Step back and seek professional help instead.

Have a go-to list of trusted and resourceful people you can rely on

If you are not in a soup already, take the time to build your own personal support system. Don’t be a lone wolf. Solomon, the wisest man that has ever lived, said “in the multitude of counsel, there is safety”.

Have a group of people whom you trust for their wisdom. Don’t just have one mentor. Have different people for financial wisdom, emotional support, spiritual guidance, and even someone else who challenges your thinking. This distributes the load so as not to overwhelm any one person, and it gives you multiple perspectives on complex issues.

The kind of issue determines who I talk to. So it will be wise to have your go-to list of trusted and resourceful persons you talk to when things ain’t going as they ought to. And if you don’t already have them, please seek professional help.

The wisdom of community support isn’t new. As Ecclesiastes 4:10-12 reminds us: “If you fall, your friend can help you up. But if you fall without having a friend nearby, you are really in trouble. If you sleep alone, you won’t have anyone to keep you warm on a cold night. Someone might be able to beat up one of you, but not both of you. As the saying goes, ‘A rope made from three strands of cord is hard to break.'”

Practice Vulnerability and Build Bridges

It’s difficult to share big stuff if you haven’t mastered how to share small stuff. Instead of waiting until you’re drowning to reach out, practice sharing smaller struggles regularly. This keeps your relationships warm and makes it easier to ask for help when big issues arise.

Use your good seasons to strengthen relationships and help others. This creates a network of goodwill that you can draw from during tough times without feeling like you’re just taking. 

Don’t be the guy who remembers he has good friends or mentors only when there is a problem. Learn to keep in touch, send gifts, and build bridges during good times.

Don’t always be a carrier of bad news. Not every time they see your call or message, it’s “Hello, problem time.” Learn to carry “Good tidings” too.

Conclusion: We Heal, Grow, and Rise When We Stay Connected

It’s said that a problem shared is a problem half solved. Don’t be ashamed to share your failures with your friends. Because at the end of the day, your failures are the scars that make up your story.

As Margaret J. Wheatley beautifully puts it: “When we seek for connection, we restore the world to wholeness. Our seemingly separate lives become meaningful as we discover how truly necessary we are to each other.”

Situations come and go—make sure you remain.

And no matter how dark the season gets, never forget: Humans thrive in community. When we stay connected through joy or pain, we grow, heal, and rise together.

References

1. A recent Meta-Gallup poll reveals that nearly one-quarter of the world’s population feels lonely, with young adults aged 19-29 experiencing loneliness at rates of 27% globally. Yet in our success-obsessed culture, admitting we need help feels like admitting failure.– Meta-Gallup survey. ↩︎
2. Humans are wired to connect, and this connection affects our health. From psychological theories to recent research, there is significant evidence that social support and feeling connected can help people maintain a healthy body mass index, control blood sugars, improve cancer survival, decrease cardiovascular mortality, decrease depressive symptoms, mitigate post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms, and improve overall mental health.” – American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine ↩︎

***

Enjoyed this piece? Here are some other content you might find interesting:

1. The Alignment Conundrum: Why Personal Growth Can Feel Like a Lonely Purgatory
2. The Selfishness Paradox: Why You Must Think of More Than Yourself To Get What You Want In Life
3. 10 Lessons To Help You Get Better at Picking and Keeping Good Friends
4. Adult Responsibilities Weighing You Down? Rediscover Your Childlike Attitude To Overcome
5. Choose Your Tribe: How To Find and Connect With People Like You