Why You May Resent The People You Love11 min read

I have been described as expressive, emotional, compassionate, flexible, and mindful. At the same time, I’ve been called reticent, detached, indifferent, rigid and oblivious—often by the same people. And honestly, they’re not entirely wrong. Sometimes, I see those traits in myself too.

Take this past Christmas as an example. I received a few invitations to celebrate with friends, but I turned them all down. Not because I had plans with Santa, but simply because I didn’t feel like going out. I just wanted some peace and quiet.

However, after a call with another friend telling me how my action might have hurt them and how they might even resent me, guilt crept in. I started judging myself—thinking I’d been insensitive—the grumpy Grinch, the buzzkill.

But my need for solitude isn’t me pushing friends away. It’s me protecting the quiet I need to shut down the loud voices in my head. In that silence, I find serenity. Although, sometimes my timing might be off. It’s where I sort through the noise, recharge, and grow so I can show up for them fully when it matters most.

The fact is: the best thing about you can also be the worst thing about you, because every trait we value has a counterpart we struggle to accept. 

The extraordinary qualities you admire in others often come with a shadow side that’s harder to acknowledge. Just like one person’s guardian angel may be another’s angel of death.

“I am a contradiction. I am faithful, but I am also detached. I am committed, but I am also indifferent.” – Sylvia Plath

The Psychology Behind It: Why You Admire and Get Annoyed by the Same Traits

We like to think we have a fixed identity and assume the same about others. It feels comforting to define ourselves and others, like say, he’s confident, she’s shy, they’re inconsiderate—because it makes things easier to understand. However, there is no fixed version of ourselves—we are complex beings whose behaviors and impacts on others shift with nature, context and perspective.

The Shadow Self

Carl Jung asserted that for every aspect of our conscious personality, there exists an unconscious counterpart known as the “shadow self”. This shadow contains traits, desires, or emotions we deny or suppress because they clash with how we want to see ourselves. Though hidden, the shadow influences our behavior and often surfaces in ways we don’t expect.

In one of his YouTube videos, Mark Manson talks about his shadow self—the sloth-lazy part of him. He said he’d often dodge work and tough decisions by diving into video games or partying, which left him feeling frustrated. But over time, he came to see that this laziness and the frustration it brought were actually signs of something deeper—a part of him that was hungry to do and achieve big things.

This duality isn’t limited to laziness. We all have shadow traits that complement or challenge our strengths. For instance:

• If you are a deeply empathetic person, you might struggle with emotional overwhelm or weak boundaries.
• If you are a brutally logical thinker, you might find it hard to connect with others emotionally.
• If you are compassionate, you might sacrifice too much for others, or get exploited.
• If you are the patient type, you might be slow in making decisive choices.
• If you see yourself as disciplined, your shadow might be impulsiveness. 

But this doesn’t mean one side is “good” and the other “bad”. Your shadows don’t negate your strengths—they exist alongside them, to help us see where we can act better and reinforce our shared humanity.

“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” – Carl Jung

The Bias Self

Think of those old religious paintings where saints have golden halo around their heads and how it instantly made you know the figure was hallowed. In 1920, psychologist Edward Thorndike observed that we do something similar when judging people. Just like a halo makes a saint seem entirely pure and good, we let one positive trait in a person spill over into everything else we think about them.

For instance, If someone’s great at sports, we might assume they’re also smart. If they’re good-looking, we might unconsciously decide they’re trustworthy too. He called this the “halo effect.”

Thorndike’s insight came from studying soldiers. He noticed that if a soldier was rated highly in one aspect—like physical appearance—they were more likely to be rated highly in unrelated areas, such as leadership or intelligence. No evidence was needed; their “halo” did all the psychoanalysis.

Other psychologists later extended this to what’s known as the “What is beautiful is good” principle. In other words, we often believe that beauty, charm, or even calmness equals goodness, intelligence, or trustworthiness.

This is why so many people stumble into toxic friendships and relationships. We often fall into the temptation of thinking that someone who looks calm and composed must also be kind and committed, or that someone who looks pretty and smells nice must also be intelligent and fun. The halo effect tricks us into putting people on pedestals, imagining they have no flaws or contradictions.

But reality has a way of shattering illusions, like Humpty Dumpty falling to the floor and breaking to pieces. When the cracks show—when you realise they’re not as kind, smart, or perfect as we thought—you feel let down. 

You may hear yourself saying:

• You’ve changed. You used to be so attentive, so perfect. Now you’re always tired, distracted… I feel like I don’t even know you anymore.
• I thought you were better than this, I looked up to you. How could you make such a basic mistake?
• I just don’t understand. You used to get straight As. What happened to my perfect student?

But the problem isn’t them. It’s the halo you gave them.

Calmness doesn’t mean indifference. 

Attractiveness doesn’t guarantee loyalty. 

Intelligence doesn’t mean emotional depth.

“Expectation is the root of all heartache.” – William Shakespeare

How To Stop Staying Annoyed At The People You Love

We’re never just one thing, and that’s where the tension lies. 

Because loving someone deeply means you care for them a lot, and you’ll naturally hold them to higher expectations than you would a stranger, a classmate, or even a work colleague. The smallest unexpected shortcoming can feel like an arrow to your heart—not Cupid’s, though. And as far as I can say, there isn’t much you can do about this other than to…

Remind Yourself That They Are only Humans

This isn’t about losing faith in others—it’s about seeing them as they are: messy, layered, and complex, just like you. 

No one is perfect, and honestly, perfection isn’t what makes someone worth loving or admiring. I have been loved for being dyslexic and admired for my thick bushy eyebrow.

The point is: every human does annoying things now and then. But unless they’re consistently betraying your trust or hurting you, then you should speak to them about it and negotiate boundaries to protect yourself and preserve the relationship.

Challenge the illusion of perfection by embracing our shared humanity.

Self-improvement isn’t about polishing our strengths while erasing our weaknesses. In fact, the very strengths you want to amplify are often tied to the weaknesses you’re trying to get rid of.

• You can’t be highly empathetic without sometimes feeling drained by others’ emotions—and that’s okay.
• You can’t be confident without occasionally risking being seen as arrogant—that’s natural.
• You can’t be disciplined without sometimes coming across as rigid.

True growth comes accepting our shared humanity and embracing every part of it—not to settle, but to integrate.

Flip the mirror on yourself

When you care deeply about someone, it’s normal that you feel all your emotions about them strongly—even the “negative” ones. 

Getting annoyed or angry with someone you love might be evidence of how much they matter to you. Their actions and interactions with you carry weight because they occupy an important and intimate position in your life. 

In moments when you are feeling these strong emotions, it is important to take some alone time. Use the time to flip the mirror onto yourself – to see perhaps how much your reaction is influenced by you. Because, let’s face it, most of the traits you can’t stand in others are the same ones you struggle to accept in yourself.

Think of  how frustrated you might be when someone interrupts you during conversations. Often, this bothers you because you have the tendency to interrupt others when you feel what they are saying is not important or that you have something better to say. Similarly, you might find yourselves irritated by a friend’s procrastination because you’re quietly struggling with your time management. 

Taking a timeout helps you step back, become more self-aware, and grow more empathetic and patient—with both yourself and others. Sometimes it’s as simple as asking yourself, How would you respond if your friend or partner did the same thing?

And from there, consider; “how can I show more compassion in moments like this?”

Don’t be afraid to look into the mirror—that’s how you learn who you really are.

“Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” – Carl Jung

Recognise We Compliment Each Other 

There’s a Japanese proverb, juunin toiro, which translates to “ten people, ten colours.” The Japanese dictionary gives the meaning as “So many people, so many minds; everyone has his own ideas and tastes; It takes all sorts to make a world. 

This is why:

The best teams are made up of people with different strengths that work well together. One person might be the visionary, another the meticulous planner, and another the motivator. They complement each other, filling in the gaps where the others fall short.

In unions, the best relationships aren’t between identical people but those who balance each other out. Maybe one is the dreamer, full of big ideas, while the other is the realist, grounding those dreams in action. They might have different personalities, but shared values keep them in sync. You can learn more about this from enneagram types and compatibility study.

And our best friends? They’re often the ones who help us step out of our own world and see things differently. 

The point is that we are made for each other.

Conclusion: Appreciate Every Part Of Who They Are.

Life pulses through opposing forces – each contradiction teaching us about wholeness:

• Without death, we cannot fully appreciate living.
• Without darkness, we cannot recognise the light.
• Without pain, we cannot learn to savor joy.

Our relationships with ourselves and others mirror these flow:

• You cannot be close without first stepping back.
• You won’t feel strong without first being vulnerable.
• And it’s the confusion that leads us to understanding.

Fighting against these dualities only deepens our suffering. This isn’t a free pass to let our shadows run wild. but rather learn to move with them, finding balance in the push and pull of life. The beauty isn’t in getting rid of these tensions but in moving through them with awareness and acceptance.

When we accept both sides of ourselves—and that of those we care about—we create spaces for deeper, more meaningful connections. This is where love stops being just an idea or feeling of elation but becomes something unconditional and real– authentic, uniqueness, imperfect, and all the more beautiful for its wholeness.

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