If Love Feels Like Effort, Something Is Wrong: The Secret to Fulfilling Relationships and Marriage 8 min read

Yesterday, on my way from work, I passed a boutique and instinctively started looking for something my wife would love. Next to it was another boutique that sold menswear; interestingly, I walked past without even glancing. Then it hit me: almost everything I buy these days is for her, not me. Not because she asks. Not because I have to. But because I want to. That’s what love does: it redirects your focus without effort. That’s why I believe: if love feels like effort, something is wrong.

This realisation fascinated me. See bah, I often catch myself scrolling through vendors’ WhatsApp statuses, hair, clothes, accessories, things I would normally swipe past without a second thought. But now I find myself pausing, studying each post, thinking: “Would she like this? Does this suit her style?” Not once do I think about what I might want for myself.

As I kept reflecting on this pattern, I had to ask myself: why has this become my habit? Then it hit me again: when you’re truly in love with someone, their happiness becomes a primary concern. True love shifts your focus from just yourself to the other person, naturally and effortlessly.

It made sense when Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:33: “The man who is married is concerned about how to please his wife.” And vice versa. In that state, you don’t even think of yourself. You just do it.

Giving From Love vs. Giving For Love

If love (the emotional/romantic part) is involved, the job of pleasing your spouse becomes effortless. If that (kind of) love isn’t involved, you start to keep score. You start to wonder, “Why didn’t she buy for me, too?” Because now it’s not love, it’s transactional.

Transactional love gives to get. True love gives because it has to. It’s in its nature to give.

I’ve talked about this before. There are two types of lovers:

1. Those who give for love, hoping their giving earns them love.
2. Those who give from love, because love already exists within them.

When you give from love, there’s no expectation in return, but if love is missing, giving becomes hard, and even when you do give, it’s with strings attached.

Nevertheless, even genuine love needs sustenance. I will explain.

How Many Marriages Become One-Sided (And Unfulfilling)

I realised I’ve never asked my wife for anything, yet she gives to me of her own accord. But this isn’t always the case in many relationships. 

It got me thinking, “Could this be the reason why some men grow frustrated in marriage?” They marry women who don’t reciprocate their love or don’t understand that love is expressed through giving and self-sacrifice.

These men pour themselves out like a wine offering, making sure their wives and family are okay, while no one is looking after them. The woman glows and grows fat, while the man gradually fades like plucked ugwu.

And the reverse happens too, where women nurture their husbands while the husband remains selfish, watching the woman slowly become a shadow of herself. 

Unrequited love is not God’s design – right from Eden, it has always been about supporting and being there for each other.

If you’re getting married, marry someone who desires to make you happy, effortlessly, not transactionally.

Love vs. Discipline: Why Emotion and Romance Aren’t Optional In a Romantic Relationship/Marriage

I’ve seen and heard this new trend going around, people saying that love isn’t important in marriage, or that love isn’t a feeling, it’s just a discipline. They try so hard to eliminate the emotional side of love while elevating only the discipline aspect. But I strongly disagree.

The romantic and emotional side of love is the flavour of the relationship. It’s what keeps things enjoyable, almost effortlessly. Discipline only comes in when needed, but if your relationship constantly needs the logical or disciplinary side to function, something is wrong.

Love without the emotional part is like eating rice without stew. Hunger might force you to eat for a while, but sooner or later, you’ll get tired and frustrated. It’s true, stew doesn’t satisfy the hunger — Rice does. But stew ensures that the rice is enjoyable while you’re eating it. Romance, affection, tenderness — these are like the stew. Discipline, sacrifice, faithfulness — those are like the Rice. None more important than the other.

There is just so much rice you can eat without stew before you get frustrated and exhausted. Love was never designed to operate like that. God’s design for love includes tenderness, warmth, and affection. It’s supposed to be sweet, not just sacrificial. Yes, sacrifice is needed plenty of times. But if all you ever experience is sacrifice with no sweetness, the relationship becomes tiring and eventually breaks down.

Love, in its true form, includes both feeling and discipline. But if the romance dies or you unalive it, the relationship becomes tasteless. And tasteless love doesn’t last.

Some people these days say things like, “Take care of yourself for me, and I’ll take care of myself for you.” While it sounds deep on the surface, real love doesn’t always play by that rule. 

Often, true love is willing to lose itself looking after the other person. That’s why mutual love is so important. So that neither person ends up forgotten or worn out. It’s not about neglecting yourself; it’s about having someone who sees you even when you forget yourself. This, on its own, is sacrificial.

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.” – John 13:34

How Good Love Makes Both Partners Shine

“The glory of a man is his wife.”- 1 Corinthians 11:7. 

In the scripture above, the word “Glory” means “radiant Beauty” and “Honour”. In other words, how well a man nurtures his wife often reflects on him, as she is his glory.

When a man loves well, it shows in her –  in her joy, her peace, her radiance. Likewise, when a woman nurtures her man, it reflects in how he carries himself. 

Love done well honours both people. It’s simply how mutual love works: we become better because of each other.

So each partner is a source of Beauty and Honour for the other. And it is the job of the partner to draw it out. So the man draws out the beauty in his woman, not himself. And the woman looks after the man who gave himself for her sake.

Because if he gives himself, and he is forgotten, he’ll soon look like a rag. Not because he’s weak or a fool, but because the person meant to nurture him has become selfish, and vice versa.

Conclusion: A Fulfilling Relationship Needs Both Discipline and Love

Love indeed can be cultivated. But it should be done early, preferably before entering marriage. Before saying, “I do”, love should already be alive, active, and self-sustaining. Don’t go trying to farm love like maize after marriage, else you’ll be amazed. Get it and be sure before you enter.

So yes, love can be cultivated. But make sure it’s present, mature, and selfless before you commit to marriage. Otherwise, six months in, you’ll feel drained and worn out, not because of marriage itself, but because the love is insufficient, or not real to begin with – so that you are left just chewing rice without stew.

Love needs both heart and discipline. Without romance, tenderness, and warmth, what’s left is survival, not joy. And when a relationship runs on survival alone, it becomes heavy, tiring, and uninspiring.

Because marriage without love is just management

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Did you enjoy reading this piece? Please let me know what you think in the comments. 

Also, below are some other pieces you might find interesting on the blog:

1. Why she/he asks “do you love me?” Constantly [what to do]
2. Unconditional Love: How To Love Someone’s Soul
3. Why You May Resent The People You Love
4. Maybe You Don’t Know What Commitment Entails: The Sacrifices That Come With a Serious Relationship
5. Standards Vs. Expectations In Relationships: The Key To Avoiding Disappointments and Toxicity