Identity Is Destiny: How To Shape Who You Become By Changing How You See Yourself

Identity is destiny, and right from birth, your environment started shaping it – and by extension, who you become. 

For instance, I was given the name of a King from the Bible – “David”. So that acting like “the man after God’s heart” was a path I was placed on – a Christian identity I was locked in.

As I continued to grow, other labels were added, further locking me into my environment’s desired person. For instance, they labelled me:

• “Engineer”, perhaps considering I often turned wood, cans, and random objects lying around into playthings. This label gradually influenced me to study Computer Engineering at the University.
• “Brilliant”, perhaps considering I was curious, asked a lot of questions, and seemed to be good at recalling facts. This label silently influenced my relentless effort to perform well in school.

Labels frame the identity. And the identities start becoming destiny.

These labels weren’t necessarily accurate descriptions of my reality. In fact, they were simply projections that influenced my attitudes. I didn’t really enjoy engineering, and I wasn’t that brilliant when it came to maths.

But that is not all there is to labels. As I grew older,  I found peers calling me:

• “Shy”, which felt weird as I have been addressing entire congregations since I was a kid, had no issues talking to strangers I had just met, and had been thought of as crazy due to some of my bold statements.
• “Innocent/Inexperienced”, which is also weird because I have done many of the things other guys my age have, from sex to alcohol (though, of course, with caution, and without harming anyone).

The false labels were particularly annoying to me because they influenced the way others approached me when they learned about the labels. Peers would count me out of certain activities, tease me, and poke at me for not being like them.

But, more importantly, it shaped how I saw myself and felt okay acting. It is a bit harder to act contrary to expectations, and far easier to act – sometimes beyond what you believed you could – when high expectations were present.

Hence, it became important for me to not just accept, but to actively adopt and inform others about preferred labels, while actively resisting and shedding unhelpful ones.

So that when I started my personal development journey, I took up some extra labels myself:

• “Artist”, as I started drawing professionally, informing peers I preferred shades to circuits.
• “Writer”, as I started writing professionally, informing peers I preferred words to codes.

In this piece, I am going to share with you how this all works and how to take hold of your identity and start shaping it, so that you become who you want (not what others impose on you).

“The world will ask you who you are, and if you don’t know, the world will tell you.” — Carl Jung

What Is Your Identity? The Problem With an Unexamined Identity

How do you see yourself?

Before you answer, pause.

Most people assume identity is something they discover by looking inward.

But the reality is that inside you is an identity already shaped by your environment. Furthermore, even the lens for looking is shaped by your history.

Before you are old enough to contemplate your identity, you already have an identity fashioned and held in place by your family, religion, culture, school, peers, media, trauma, reward, and punishments.

So when you just look inwards to see “yourself,” what you’re often seeing is an introjected identity – an identity you unconsciously absorbed, drawn from your upbringing, conditioning, roles, fears, rewards, and wounds.

This is why our parents often like to inquire where our friends are from, the background of the lovers we introduce to them, and the history of our teachers. While that can often lead to bias, it is not completely pointless.

Why?

Most people never examine and question, not to mention break away from and reshape their identities.

They stick to their default identities, oblivious to the impact of it.

Chances are, if you are reading this, you haven’t fully grasped the extent your identity influences your sense of meaning, direction, belonging, and even self-worth. You may not fully appreciate how much it influences your attitudes and behaviours.

For instance, many women see themselves as prizes to be acquired by men – an identity formed right from when their mothers kept telling them they need to dress well, speak calmly, cook well, and so on, not necessarily because those are great for themselves, but for the sake of being worthy of being married. They reinforce this with warnings to remain virgins so they don’t lose their value in the eyes of men who would come to marry them – i.e. “pay for their head”. Some ladies have internalised this, even joke that they don’t do certain things because they don’t want their bride price to be reduced, while those who have been married might stay in unfulfilling and sometimes toxic marriages simply because, aside from being a “married woman”, they don’t have a greater identity.

Nothing I have stated is new, and it is not just about the women. It is not that being a “married woman” is bad, but how much it can influence our behaviour, even when being a “married woman” may not be the best thing at the time.

The same issue crops up when people have expectations of you to be “study medicine–be a doctor”, “get a job–be employed”, or even to “get married–have kids”.

Yet many people would rarely challenge an identity being imposed on them – not because they’re oblivious to the problems (in fact, they might be the ones to complain about the suffering they are enduring because of it), but because questioning the identity feels like going against the whole world, and even themselves (as they’ve internalised it).

But the fear and discomfort from challenging an identity you don’t want anymore or at the moment is not a sign you’re doing something wrong. It’s a sign you’re taking charge – i.e self-authorship.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” — Anaïs Nin

Why Letting Go Feels Like Death

Identity isn’t just a set of beliefs. It’s how you interpret your entire life — how you explain your suffering, value, purpose, and place in the world.

For example, if you hold on to the identity of a Christian – so that you believe, “I am a child of God,” “I am chosen,” “I am a sinner saved by grace,” – when doubt, education, injustice, or significant loss makes you question the validity of the identity, what collapses isn’t just the belief but the self-schema built around that belief.

In simple terms, when you let go of an identity, all the “I am” cracks and falls aside, so that you are left to wonder, “Who am I?”

This is why change can be very difficult and feel like dying. It is why new ideas that threaten one’s identity are resisted vehemently. It is the reason 

• The married woman would cut off a friend who advises divorce,
• The entrepreneur would cut off peers who advise a stable job,
• The Muslim would cut off the sibling (maybe their head) who advises apostasy,

And so on.

Because it is not merely logic, but a question of your identity – who you are.

During the time I was letting go of my Christian identity, I often found my hands, as if possessed by a limbic self, scribbling in my diary, “Who am I?”

And, it wasn’t until I gave a good enough answer that the squirming, dying identity in me let go, and I became who I wanted to be.

The truth is that identities can become prisons if they prevent us from living the life we want – the “Pure, Holy Virgin” who wants sex, the “Respectful/Obedient Son” who wants to go against his father’s wishes, or the “Untalented/Unskilled young lady” who wants to venture into acting.

But, like I highlighted, the key or the knife is in your hands. You can choose to escape or kill off the identity that does not serve you. Better yet, you can consciously create the identity you want, so that, rather than being a limit, it becomes the fuel that propels you to become who you really want to be.

Identity as a Tool: How To Create an Identity That Allows You To Shape Your Destiny

As I’ve suggested earlier, how you see yourself determines what you try, what you avoid, what you risk, what you believe you’re capable of, and generally how you respond to life.

Psychologists call it identity-based motivation – the idea that you act according to who you believe you are.

What they don’t often tell you is that you don’t need anything special to start. You simply need to:

Choose who you want to be — then begin living it

You don’t need permission to change your identity. And, there is no need for an inauguration or certification to validate an identity.

Today, you can choose to call yourself:

• a writer — and start writing.
• a reader — and start reading.
• a dancer — and start dancing.
• an artist — and start creating.

And so on.

• You don’t need a publisher to write.
• You don’t need a library to read.
• You don’t need a stage to dance.
• You don’t need a studio to create art.

You only need to realise that identity grows through action. 

So, the reality is actually backwards: you have to do it to believe and see yourself as that thing, not the other way around. That is, you write to be a writer, read to be a reader, dance to be a dancer, and create to be an artist.

In cognitive science, they call it behavioural congruence – the idea that your brain updates its self-concept to match repeated behaviour. And, indeed, it gets easier to accept the new identity with time, not just because you get good at it over time, but because, as neuroscience observes, repeated actions lead to synaptic reinforcement – a literal solidification of an identity in the brain.

Surround yourself with people who embody the identity you want

We become like the groups we belong to.

There is no being a loafer in the midst of bakers.

You become the product of the people you associate with.

I remember when I started my journey as a writer. It used to feel a bit lonely. Like, as if writing and publishing content on the internet was a weird thing. All around were people selling physical products, rendering physical services, and being physically present, and here I was talking about making money from thin air.

But making some money doing just that felt like magic to me. Because all my life, I had never seen such a thing. However, as I started growing my network on social media, connecting with other creators, especially on LinkedIn, it quickly became obvious to me that not only was writing and making money from thin air a common concept, but it was not the only way to make money without physical involvement. There were SaaS, Membership Subscriptions, and Digital products, just to mention a few.

I got absorbed in that world, and ever since then, it has become a new normal for me. While the idea of having a physical business feels safe, I see myself more like an online entrepreneur that sells ideas and electrons instead of inventory and atoms – and that shapes my attitude and behaviour.

If you want to grow an identity, plant it in the right environment.

Create rituals that anchor your identity

Your identity needs proof to solidify – there needs to be repetition for it to be reinforced. And that is exactly what rituals do.

• As a writer, I write almost every morning, whether it is a short social media post with my phone or a longer blog post like this one.
• As a reader, I read almost every morning and evening, whether it is an insightful blog post or a book I find interesting.
• As a fit person, I exercise almost every evening, whether it is just a couple of pushups or a more demanding workout routine.
• As an online entrepreneur, I create content and invite people to buy my products or hire my services every day, whether it is on my WhatsApp status or on my social media pages.

And so on.

Rituals are the mould that holds the identity in place while it solidifies.

Rituals are expedient because old identities don’t usually go quietly. They resist, question, and fight back. There would be times you would feel like an imposter, even fraudulent. There would be great internal conflict between who you were and who you are becoming. But it is normal. Psychologists even have a name for it – identity dissonance.

Heck, there will be times you will be tempted to go back to your old ways. But if you stay consistent, then the identity solidifies and starts pulling you in the desired direction.

Conclusion: Identity May Be a Social Construct, But You Don’t Have To Leave It Up To Society

The beauty of being aware of how your identity influences your life and taking charge of it is that it gives you an enormous level of freedom, growth, and anti-fragility.

Because, as you go through life, you will experience, gain, and lose many things. You will also be seen, addressed, and treated in many ways.

And while all these can lead you to see yourself in different ways, often bending to the whims and manipulation of the world, when you take charge of your identity, you become unshakable.

It buffers you from the need for external validation, protects you from being defined by what happened to you, and empowers you to keep moving forward.

Indeed, you may be mocked yet feel great pride, lose all your possessions yet feel wealthy, and even have your dignity violated and still feel unbroken, full and worthy.

Identity may be a social construct, but you don’t have to leave it up to society.

To master your identity is to stand firm without waiting for approval – to become the architect, not the building.

So ask yourself: aside from the things that have happened to me, that I’ve gained or lost, who am I?

“You are not what has happened to you. You are what you choose to become.” — Carl Jung

Identity is destiny. 

You can’t outrun it. 

But you can choose it…

(or will it be chosen for you).

***

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Here are some other posts you might like: 

1. The Identity Trap: Why Your Success Might Be Holding You Back (And How to Break Free)
2. The Crab Mentality: Are People Around You Holding You Back?
3. Choose Your Tribe: How To Find and Connect With People Like You
4. Framing, Context, and Content: How Thoughts and Thinking (Re)shape Your Reality
5. Reframing Your Flaws: How Embracing Your Difference Can Make You Extraordinary