Why Life Is An Internal Game: How To Stop Feeling Like a Failure Even When You Fall Short of Expectations

Life is far more bumpy than what we are led to believe in books, movies, or social media.

The reality is more like a sine wave where we oscillate between highs and lows: sad and happy, setbacks and breakthroughs, losses and wins. And it is often beyond our complete control.

This is true for both people living in war and poverty, as well as those living in peace and prosperity. Though the overall threshold of those in the former might be lower, with longer arcs in the lower regions.

The issue is, most people don’t like accounting for the lows at all – perhaps because it doesn’t look cool – hence only the highs are often recorded, emphasised, and even exaggerated, creating a false sense that if you are going through the lows, there is something wrong.

This piece isn’t just an attempt to get you to accept the lows, but to show you how to survive, find meaning in, and even grow with them.

The Shortness of Victory: Why Hitching Your Joy On Fleeting Wins Is A Losing Game

Societies, cultures, and traditions always have expectations. Despite the fact that attaining or falling short of these expectations is not always entirely within our control, it still has real effects on us. For instance, if you look around and see yourself as doing better than people around you, you might grow vain or develop hubris. On the flip side, if you look around and see everyone around you as doing better than you, you might grow sad or bitter.

It’s like watching football fans praise their clubs when they win, and might even mock the other team. But it doesn’t take much of a season to find their club being beaten by another, and they cover their heads in shame. The fans’ reaction is like our reaction to the highs and lows of life – it is strong, but seldom stable.

But there is deeper wisdom to glean from this illustration.

In football, the main aim is not always the trophy. Think about it: if football was all about the trophy, we wouldn’t have thousands of teams playing every day. It’d just be the top teams — the ones with the best players.

But that’s not what happens.

Every match day, teams still show up to compete fiercely (even when it is friendly). Sure, they want to win; but more than that, they want to have a great match – they want to play for their fans.

Same with life.

It is not enough to do things. What matters more is that our internal fans – the voices in our head – are cheering during the process.

Most people won’t go to space, become billionaires, win Miss Universe, reach enlightenment, or marry their dream partner. And that’s okay.

The real question is: what did they expect of themselves?

Because if their fans — the voices in their head, their internalised expectations from family, friends, and society at large — demand a trophy instead of a great game… then no matter how well they’re playing, they’ll keep getting booed. No matter how far they’ve travelled, how much they’ve earned, how many compliments they’ve received, how much wisdom they’ve gained, or how great their partner is, they’ll still feel like a loser.

In other words, the feelings of highs and lows are mostly dependent on you. And you can better manage that emotional sine wave by switching your focus from the trophy to the game – you can move from obsessing over gaining accolades or avoiding shame, to obsessing about doing what is meaningful to you, or doing less of what you hate.

Playing Your Game: Why Success Requires Looking Inwards and Finding Alignment

Every team has a unique gameplay. Some teams focus on defence, others on attack. Some are fast and aggressive, others are slow and strategic. So their fans still enjoy and cheer them on even when they lose, because they played their style of game.

This already suggests that sometimes, you shouldn’t try to do things the way others do it.

But that’s not all.

In reality, not everyone plays or enjoys watching football to begin with. For instance, I think it is ridiculous to spend 90 minutes of my time watching grown men kicking a rubber ball.

Which suggests that sometimes, you shouldn’t even try to do the things others do.

From television and social media to sermons in places of worship and conversations with everyday people, there seems to be a general push towards certain milestones. It could be:

• ladies getting married before 30,
• graduates working white-collar jobs,
• men having male children to carry on their name,

and so on.

There is nothing wrong with these. In fact, one can argue that they are good and that is why they have made their way to being the norm.

However, if we agree that the trophy is not the focus (but rather the game), different teams have different gameplays, and in fact, the game to be enjoyed differs from person to person – hence there are differing rules, timelines, and the very definition of what winning looks like – then we ought to be cautious of such rigid expectations.

Think about it. If you are a swimmer and your fans keep expecting you to “put the ball in the back of the net,” you would be confused and frustrated. Or if you are doing MMA and the fans came for Judo, then you will always be judged as too aggressive and even penalised.

The good news is that there are trophies in almost every sport you can think of. And you can decide to compete only in the ones you value and enjoy. So too in life, you can choose your values, goals, and lifestyle.

Grit and Purpose: Why Doing What Aligns With You Makes You More Resilient and Fulfilled

The truth is that we are often overwhelmingly, yet unconsciously, influenced by our environment, so that what is available is often mistaken for all there is. For most people, it is seldom an issue to:

• get married before 30,
• work white-collar jobs, or
• have children who go on to carry their name.

However, for some others, these expectations can be stifling and need to be substituted with a different set of expectations/fans, else they break.

Some people are natural creatives and entrepreneurs – they thrive in uncertainty and love making things better. Their fans ought to expect and cheer on spontaneity and bravery.

Others are natural analysts and administrators – they find meaning in stability and love keeping things running as they were. For them, their fans ought to expect consistency and compliance.

When you figure out what game (in life) you are playing, you can better decide which expectations to embrace and which to ignore.

This makes it easier to recalibrate your internal fans – your internal dialogue, sense of self-worth, and overall happiness – as well as your environment – people you surround yourself with, media you consume, and even the places you visit – to match your game – your lifestyle and how you are performing.

Of course, none of this means you will suddenly start only winning in the game of life. Rather, it means when the highs and lows come (and they will), you will not feel that victory or suffering is meaningless and get discouraged. Rather, you will find strength and even purpose in the fact that you have done your best in something you find worthwhile.

Even discipline starts coming naturally: When need be, you can stay up all night working on a project because you are excited about it. You set big goals that stretch you. And you will be proud of it all, whether you sometimes lose, have to ask for help, or spend a lot of time waiting.

Contrast this with someone whose only motivation is trying to pay rent, get food, or worse. In such cases, they quit or stop putting in as much effort as soon as they can.

Conclusion: When Life’s Highs and Lows Come, They Should Meet You at Your Game

Life comes with ups and downs – anyone telling you otherwise, be it a religious leader, politician, or scientist, is either lying to you or delusional.

However, if your internal fans are aligned with your actual game, then they cheer you on during the lows rather than beating and eating you up.

Aliko Dangote didn’t build his empire while worrying about not having a biological son. Fela Kuti didn’t create revolutionary music while worrying about getting a prestigious job. And Kate Henshaw didn’t become a household name by obsessing about being a wife.

If there is anything to remember, it is that highs and lows are sure to come, but it is often better if they meet you at your game.

The only question is: do you know your game?

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