Managing Ego: How To Stop Taking Yourself Too Seriously14 min read

We often suffer, make rash decisions, and hurt people because we think too highly of ourselves: We may deny ourselves what we want, lie about what we desire, put ourselves through pain, and in some cases, punish and harm people who do not meet our expectations.

While having some ego (or sense of pride) can be healthy, when it is left to run amok, we begin to think ourselves too perfect, or god-like. We begin to be less tolerant and more disrespectful. We may become less kind to others and even more so to ourselves. 

And, in cases where this ego clashes with reality – when we fail, are not crowned, or are flat-out mocked – we suffer greatly, and often unnecessarily too – we may fight, and cling to things that no longer serve or are hurting us, simply because our ego won’t accept our fate.

It takes ego to refuse to cut down on expenses when we can’t afford a certain lifestyle, scale back when we can’t meet a certain expectation, or perhaps back out when fulfilling a promise becomes too much or unnecessary.

Where Ego Comes From

Our ego comes from our skewed interpretation of reality. Yet, we are not always to blame.

In truth, we are social beings through and true; and so hierarchies and classes naturally emerge, with competition and performance being natural responses. 

Indeed, class has mostly been eradicated in most societies, so that the child of a “nobody” can grow up to become “somebody”. This is a sharp contrast from the world a few hundred years ago where most people were (and remained) peasants or slaves simply because their parents were peasants or slaves, while royalties were royalties simply because their parents were royalties.

Nonetheless, there seem to be several unspoken, and very clearly defined social classes still at play today – a sort of less structured and more fluid status hierarchy. Indeed, hierarchies which are often signalled through such things as dressing, properties owned, and even physical looks.

Guess what? It often takes a lot of self-concern or ego to rank high in this socially constructed status hierarchy. This is because, if one wasn’t intentional about crafting and projecting their best and in many cases perfect persona, they may be seen to fall short, and quite easily.

“I am not what I think I am, and I am not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am.” Charles Horton Cooley

What Exactly Is This Ego?

But, this isn’t all just ideology that can be cast aside: That sense of status and hierarchy is innate, deeply wired into each of us, for better or worse. Yet, it is up to us to choose to manage those impulses.

In truth, this ego is a sort of self-love (something called Amour Propre): You care about yourself so much that you wish to present yourself in the best possible light because you want to be perceived as good or high(er)-value. You do not want to embarrass yourself – be it based on how you look, how your environment looks, how you speak, the people around you, or even the level of education and success you’ve attained. This ego sometimes inhibits you from acting, as you wait to be perfect or choose to only participate in activities where you can shine the brightest.

And, while this ego, self-love, or amour propre can force some people to insistently try to be better versions of themselves, a lot of people take the easy routes:

• Many try to fake it, perhaps by posting heavily edited pictures on social media and lying about their net worth.
• Some cheat their way up the hierarchy, perhaps by defrauding victims or using surgery. 
• While few who actually have wealth, decide to do and buy a lot of unnecessary things in a show of affluence. 

This ego or twisted form of self-love (amour propre) often leaves us feeling empty, exhausted, or dissatisfied. It is the girl with 10k followers on social media, but who often cries alone on her birthday. It is the guy who doesn’t trust the “many women” in his life. It is the mother who is bitter with her kids’ grades. Or the father who keeps insisting that he needs to build a house in the village.

We all see and know these things. It sounds insane. And, in fact, there is a great insanity in it all. Yet we somehow still participate in it. And, it often costs us what is actually real and valuable:

• We spend real hard-earned money to look rich (while our accounts run dry). 
• We do and say things online to chase clout (while losing connection with real friends). 
• We try to look cool or avoid looking desperate by not initiating conversations (while passing opportunities to connect with interesting people)
• We procrastinate reaching out to prospects or posting our work online because it makes us look hungry (while struggling to make money).
• We disrespect people who do not take the time to respect us (while losing our peace and even manners)
• We lie and pretend so as to attract adoration (but this costs us our dignity and self-respect)

I could go on and on, but you get the point.

It is at best a short-term strategy to shallow happiness.

It is not hard to see how it can be an enemy to a successful life.

It is not hard to see how it can be an enemy to a happy and fulfilling life. 

“The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.” – Joseph Campbell

Why Manage Your Ego

Here is the thing, deep down we know we are not perfect. It is impossible to be perfect. No one has looks, finances, relationships, and all nailed to the T (at least, not all the time). And even those who manage to score high in seemingly all domains of their lives, do so at a great cost – they are under constant pressure; and in some cases, might even feel a sort of second-hand embarrassment from those around them who think this whole charade of perfection is absolute madness and want to just be themselves. 

Indeed, there is a great benefit to simply accepting oneself as flawed. One can choose to unsubscribe to the idea that we should look perfect or act in certain socially endorsed ways. One can decide to disconnect from the trends and popular culture – perhaps like kids or aged people who don’t mind having their asses wiped – and choose to value things more sublime and meaningful.

Think about how much of your daily stress and anxiety comes from self-concern: the constant worry about how you’re perceived, the endless social comparisons, the fear of failure or embarrassment.

Imagine how much freer and better life could be. 

Indeed, when you manage your ego, you will be able to

• Stop taking everything so personally, but rather be more tolerant and objective. For example, if they yelled, a managed ego can help you consider that maybe they are under pressure and suck at managing their anxiety. From this new perspective, you could respond in a more productive and healthy way, perhaps by reassuring them you’ve got things covered, or simply distancing yourself from them if this becomes a pattern rather than self-loathing.

• Stop making decisions out of the desire to look good or better, but rather out of necessity or preference. For example, if you were presented with a choice to buy a shirt, you would feel less pressured to buy an overly priced branded one to maintain appearances, but would choose a good, practical, and well-priced one.
• Stop trying to look cool in front of people you should be real with, but rather build more intimate and healthy relationships. For example, when you get invited to a party, you will feel less pressure to dress too scantily or drink one too many bottles of alcohol. You will be able to admit mistakes without feeling diminished. And, even when everyone around you seems to be far more successful than you, you will feel gratitude and honour to be amongst them rather than envy and fear.
• Stop getting paralysed by perfectionism or the fear of judgment, but rather be more productive and satisfied with your work. For example, as a content creator or entrepreneur, you will find yourself able to record that video, finish that product, or offer that service without getting crippled by fear of what others might think.

“The more seriously you take yourself, the unhappier you’re going to be.” – Naval Ravikant

How To Manage Ego

Managing your ego helps you to focus on what truly matters – people, the impact, and the experiences – and that is why it matters so much. 

Of course, it is harder than it sounds. Our ego is an integral and in fact an important part of who we are. And since every society starts from the individual, it makes up a fundamental part of all societies. 

In reality, most people do not know who you are, hence a good show is often important to demonstrate that indeed you have something good and valuable inside. But, the question is, how do you manage it so it doesn’t consume you?

Perhaps, it is important to acknowledge that managing ego isn’t about complete detachment from what others think – that’s neither realistic nor always desirable. Sometimes, caring about what others think is healthy – a healthy dose of embarrassment can save you from a lot of stupid decisions. Other times, many people, especially those from marginalised communities or those in precarious social or economic positions, acting in ways that others endorse, like, or at least tolerate is about survival, safety, and access to opportunities.

Think of ego management as being a professional dancer: Sometimes you need to put on a show – assert yourself, promote your work, or maintain certain social appearances. But, you don’t have to dance everywhere and at all times. You should be okay with being seen walking and in fact sitting. Because, you are not dancing – dancing is what anyone, or at least most people can do. In the same vein, looking good, being kind, saying the correct answer, coming number one, or even being pretty are not what you are, but what you can be momentarily.

In simple terms, managing ego is all about maintaining awareness of when you’re doing something because it’s meaningful and you want to versus when you’re doing it because of fear of falling short in the public hall of approval.

For instance:

• Dressing very well for an event isn’t ego – it’s understanding and respecting the context. But spending money you don’t have on designer clothes to impress everyone, especially with no worthwhile occasion is ego-driven.
• Speaking up in a meeting to share valuable insights isn’t ego – it’s contribution. But being loquacious and using high-sounding words just to look smart is ego-driven.
• Rebuking a badly behaved child, perhaps who had spoken rudely to you isn’t ego – it’s correction and training. But whipping them with stripped wire and attempting to crack their head is ego-driven. 

How To Spot and Stop Your Ego-driven Behaviours

One rule of thumb to spot ego-fueled behaviours is to consider if the action is an attempt to protect the idea you have of yourself (or more correctly, the idea of yourself you want others to have). 

Oftentimes, it is because we cannot bear the thought of people (especially strangers, who ironically care far less about us) thinking anything less of us that we, like maniacs, try to live up to those idealised standards.

It is important to highlight that arrogance is just someone having an inflated idea of oneself and wishing others to hold the same in their minds, while low self-esteem is having a deflated idea of oneself and believing others hold the same in their minds. 

Hence, it becomes librating (whether you’re arrogant or suffer low-self esteem, as they are both the products of ego), to try to focus less on yourself – to take yourself less seriously to be humble in understanding that what people think about you is largely dependent on the circumstances or that person’s own interpretation, or perhaps even their mood. Often, it has little to do with you.

The person who affixed “Sir” or “Ma” to your name could call you a “Fool” or “piece of shit” the next moment. Heck, any person popular enough is both respected and disrespected, doesn’t matter if they are Jesus Christ, Prophet Muhammed, your President, or your favourite musician. So, why anchor your worth as well as response on such precarious grounds?

I can recall a couple of times when teachers have said to me, “You too?” in disappointment or “I didn’t expect that from you” in disapproval, after I failed to give the correct answer to a question, or simply broke a school rule. While I really loved their validation, those moments made me realise that to some degree I am not what they think I am – I am not the genius, saint, innocent, truthful, handsome, stupid, evil, guilty, liar, or ugly they want to make me into. I am way too complex, and the lenses people see me through are way too distorted to accurately define me.

Once you come to this point, once you’ve transcended your ego, you stop trying, or at least can catch yourself when you are trying too hard:

• instead of wanting all the accolades, you sometimes allow people to take full credit for work you greatly contributed to, at least when it is not that critical, 
• you stop trying to defend yourself against every minor criticism, and maybe even learn from it
• you begin to withhold your mouth from sharing yet another self-promoting story, but instead seek to learn more about your shortcomings, and
• you, when not acknowledged or honoured, simply begin to enjoy your own “unimportance” rather than agonising or self-loathing.

“Remember you are just an extra in everyone else’s play.” – Bill Murray

Conclusion: Be Humble, You Are Only Human.

An idea like this – the idea of not seeing yourself as too important or special – is indeed contrary to what you might have been hearing your entire life. Perhaps, you have been told you were the “Apple of God’s Eyes”, “You are special”, “You are this”, and “You are that”. Well, don’t feel conflicted. The mystery is simply in realising that everyone is also an apple of God’s eye, and that makes 8 billion apples of God’s eyes currently alive.

Not to make light of important matters. You are indeed unique and full of potential. But, the reality is still that you are imperfect, and so is everyone. And, humbly admitting you are flawed isn’t a gate pass to going all bad. Rather, it is a cautionary measure, to ensure that you do not turn a blind eye to your flaws and mistakes, but rather identify and fix them. This humility frees you from the limitations and expectations that thinking too highly (or trying to meet up to others’ idealistic standards) places on you.

“A bad day for your ego is a great day for your soul.” – Jillian Michaels

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