Quit Seeking Validation: 7 Useful Strategies to Build Unquestionably Strong Confidence 12 min read

Many people, after spending hours crafting a great post, editing it and using their perfect pictures to post it, feel disappointed when they return in an hour to meet only 5 likes and 2 comments. 

And that translates to them feeling bad about themselves. This is an example of seeking validation from others.  

Many people believe they need others’ approval to feel good about themselves, but real confidence isn’t something others can give you; it’s something you cultivate from within. 

In this post, we’ll explore why external validation is harmful and 7 useful strategies to build unquestionably strong confidence.

Why humans seek validation (And why it’s a trap)

Some people confuse seeking validation with seeking someone’s opinions. While the two are similar, they have differences. 

Seeking validation is an innate desire to hear that you did well from others, because without that approval you do not feel okay. 

Like, dying to hear that your presentation was excellent because without it, you will never believe that you performed well. 

While seeking someone’s opinions, is asking for another person’s thoughts on a particular thing, without necessarily attaching your self-worth to it. For instance, wanting to know what someone thinks about a particular book, topic, or write-up. 

Validation is more about emotions and feelings, while seeking someone’s opinion is more about thoughts and advice. 

Humans are naturally wired to seek approval because we associate approval with safety and belonging. 

Early humans depended on their social groups for survival because being accepted meant access to food, protection, and resources. 

While rejection could lead to loneliness and danger. This craving for acceptance manifests itself in our modern society in many ways, like: 

• Striving for praise at work 
• Chasing likes on social media, or 
• Pleasing family and friends while displeasing yourself. 

It is okay to feel good when people around you approve of you. But when this desire for approval becomes excessive, it turns into a toxic cycle that gradually kills your self-confidence.

The negative effect of seeking validation 

I have a friend who is very skilled at shoe-making. He is very hardworking, punctual, and respectful. However, he had the habit of always saying yes to every request from his boss. 

He hoped that by doing this, he would be considered a valuable employee. At first, the praise felt rewarding. But as time went by, he became exhausted and resentful. 

He started questioning whether the validations he was getting from being a hard worker was worth it.

The downside of always seeking validation is that it makes you sort of forget your own self-worth. 

Instead of living your life based on your values, it can cause you to start doing things based on others’ approval. 

Hence, constantly seeking validation can lead to: 

• Overdependence on others’ opinions,
• Loss of your identity,
• Emotional instability,
• Jealousy,
• Frustration, and 
• Resentment.

This rollercoaster of emotions is proof that external validation is unreliable, inconsistent, and out of your control.

The truth is, when you spend your life trying to please everyone, you end up displeasing yourself. That’s why breaking free from this cycle is essential for building real, lasting confidence and happiness.

How to rely on yourself instead of others’ approval: 7 Practical steps to break free from seeking validation 

Seeking others’ approval can be a difficult 

behaviour to break, but you can achieve that through a mindset shift and intentional actions. 

I remember one day, I was getting ready for a big presentation at work. My first presentation and a vital project for my company. 

I had spent weeks preparing for it, and I knew how much it mattered to my company. It’s not a project I should mess up at all. 

The pressure felt immense. My stomach was tight with nerves, my palms were sweating, and self-doubt was creeping in fast.

“What if I mess up?” 

“What if they think I don’t know what I’m talking about?” 

The fear of judgment enveloped me. 

So, almost instinctively, I turned to my colleague who was in the office with me. “Do I look okay?” I asked. “Do I sound stupid?”

She gave me a warm smile and said, “You’ll be fine.” But even after hearing that, something inside me still didn’t feel settled.

And that’s when it hit me: Why was I depending on someone else to tell me how good I was? I had done the work. I knew the material. And I was prepared. 

Yet, I was handing my sense of worth and confidence over to someone else, like it wasn’t already mine to own.

I took a deep breath. I looked in the mirror and said, “You’ve got this.” Not because someone else told me so—but because I knew it. 

At that moment, I decided to start building my confidence from within. And honestly? That moment changed everything.

Here are a few strategies that worked for me, and maybe they can also work for you: 

Stop Chasing Perfection 

Many people falsely believe they need to be perfect to feel confident. They think that they need to get that promotion or become more skilled before feeling good about themselves. But confidence isn’t something you unlock after reaching a certain level—it’s built through action.

For instance, when I started showing up online to talk about content writing, I didn’t know much about writing. I started showing up, sharing what I was learning, and in the process, I got a job.

You don’t wait to be perfect before showcasing your skills to the world. You build it by taking action despite your fears and imperfections. 

Shift your mindset from, “I must be perfect to feel confident” to “I build confidence by taking action, learning, and growing”.

Understand That Not Everyone Will Like You (And That’s Okay)

If your confidence comes from pleasing others, you’ll always feel like you’re walking on eggshells. No matter how hard you try to please everyone, some people will still dislike you, or simply not vibe with you—and that’s completely normal.

The most confident people aren’t the ones who try to be liked by all—they’re the ones who stay true to themselves, knowing that the right people will appreciate them for who they are. Instead of asking, “Do they like me?” ask, “Do I like me?”

When you focus on being authentic rather than gaining approval, you naturally attract the right people into your life.

Know that your worth isn’t dependent on external achievement

True confidence comes from knowing your worth isn’t dependent on what you achieve, but on how you see yourself. It’s about valuing yourself regardless of your wins or losses. 

Know that you’re worthy simply because you exist, and not because of your achievements or what others think of you.

Reframe your thinking: Instead of saying, “I’ll feel worthy when I achieve X”, start telling yourself, “I am valuable as I am, and my worth isn’t up for debate”.

Stop overanalysing people’s opinions 

When I was younger, I used to replay conversations in my head and analyse every word I said after talking to people, and wondering if I sounded smart, funny, or likeable. 

If someone didn’t respond to my message immediately, I would assume I had done something wrong. Recently, I deleted a WhatsApp message I sent someone because he didn’t reply on time. 

Over time, I realised that this habit was exhausting and made me second-guess myself constantly. 

Does this sound familiar? 

Many people give too much power to what others think—often at the cost of their peace of mind. 

The truth is, people are far less focused on you than you think because they’re wrapped up in their thoughts, worries, and insecurities–just like you. 

Research in psychology even suggests that we often overestimate how much others notice or judge us, a phenomenon known as the “spotlight effect.”

Whenever you catch yourself worrying about someone’s opinion, ask:

• Does this person’s opinion define me? 
• What do I think of myself? 
• Am I living my life for others or myself? 

By letting go of the need for approval, your true personality shines forth, helping you to build your self-confidence.

Celebrate your little wins 

Unshakable confidence is built through consistent progress and not perfection. 

Most people think that confidence comes from achieving big goals in life, but unshakable confidence is built through the baby steps that we take every day. 

My brother drums in our church. When he started, he often made mistakes, and that affected his confidence. But he kept on trying amid his fears until he became betterperfect. The same principle applies to self-confidence.

Instead of waiting for a major success to feel confident, start celebrating small victories:

Spoke up in a meeting despite feeling nervous? Acknowledge your courage.

Resisted the urge to seek validation? Recognise your growth.

These small wins add up, reinforcing your belief in yourself over time.

Keep promises to yourself 

Imagine you had an uncle who promised to help you get a job after school. Now you’re done with school and service (NYSC), but each time you call to remind him of his promise, he always comes up with one excuse or the other. Eventually, you’d stop trusting him, right?

Now, think about how often you break promises to yourself. You say you’ll wake up early to read, but you end up sleeping all through. You set a goal to write more during your leisure time, but you scroll through social media instead. Each time you go back on your word, you chip away at your self-trust.

To build unshakable confidence, start treating yourself like someone you deeply respect. Keep your commitments, no matter how small:

• If you promise to work on a goal, follow through. 
• If you say you’ll wake up early, do it.
• If you set a boundary, enforce it. 

The more you trust yourself, the more confident you become.

Start embracing your flaws instead of hiding them 

My friend spent months trying to be “perfect” in the eyes of his newfound love. Always saying the right things, and avoiding any situation where he might look foolish. But despite his efforts, he never felt truly confident. Instead, he felt exhausted from trying to maintain a perfect image.

Real confidence doesn’t come from perfection—it comes from self-acceptance (This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t work towards perfecting your craft). Confidence isn’t about pretending to be perfect; it’s about being comfortable with who you are, even with your imperfections.

Here’s how to start practising self-acceptance:

• Stop comparing yourself to others because everyone has insecurities, even those you admire. 
• Treat yourself with kindness and speak to yourself the way you would to a dear friend. 

When you accept yourself fully, you become unshakable—because confidence rooted in self-acceptance can’t be taken away by external opinions.

Why Authenticity is the Most Attractive Form of Confidence 

Authenticity is powerful because it shows self-assurance. When you stop faking it and embrace authenticity, you send a message: I am enough just as I am. And that’s incredibly beautiful. 

For instance, in Lady Gaga’s early career stage, record labels told her to tone down her eccentric style, but she refused. She embraced her unique fashion, bold personality, and message of self-acceptance. 

Today, she’s not only a global icon but also an advocate for self-love and authenticity. If she had moulded herself to fit industry standards, she might never have stood out.

Stop struggling to be authentic because of the fear of judgment. Start being yourself because regardless of what you do, everyone won’t like you. What matters is that you like yourself.

You will naturally start attracting the right people when you stop seeking approval and start embracing authenticity. You will also free yourself from the exhausting cycle of pretending.

Conclusion: Confidence is built, not given 

I used to believe that confidence was something others could give me. I thought that if I got enough praise or reassurance from others, I would finally feel secure in myself. 

But no matter how much approval I received, it was never enough. One negative comment could shake my self-esteem, sending me back to square one.

Then one day, I had a realization: What if confidence isn’t something people give me? What if confidence is something I could build for myself? 

From that moment on, I decided to start trusting myself irrespective of others’ opinions. I made choices based on what I truly wanted, spoke up even when it felt uncomfortable, and reminded myself daily that my worth wasn’t up for debate. 

Over time, my confidence grew—not because people approved of me, but because I finally approved of myself.

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